Burden of Guilt - part 3

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As the first rays of the morning sun peeked through the open window, Sully slowly opened his eyes and stretched his limbs. Turning over, he reached for his wife but to his dismay he found her side of the bed empty. Lifting his head he slowly looked around their bedroom, his eyes stopping when he found her sitting in the rocking chair, staring into the empty fireplace. With a heavy sigh, he fell back onto the pillow. He wondered if she had gotten any sleep at all last night.

Michaela had been like this for several days now. She had tried to go about as if nothing had happened, but she had been distant with him and the children. He had tried several times to reach out to her, but his attempts had been in vain. As he lay in bed watching his wife sitting motionless in the rocking chair, he thought back to that day when Horace had come riding out to the homestead carrying a telegram. That was three days ago.

It was Saturday morning and Matthew had come out to the homestead to help Sully cut down some trees up in the north pasture. Brian had been in the barn doing some chores and Katie had just gone down for a nap. Michaela was outside doing the laundry when Horace came riding up.

"Dr. Mike! Dr. Mike!" Horace yelled loudly as he came galloping up to the porch. Michaela came running over to Horace and Brian came running out of the barn. Horace jumped down off his horse just as Michaela reached him. Extending his hand, he held out a telegram for her. "This just came for you, Dr. Mike," Horace explained out of breath. "I thought I should bring it right out." And then looking down he whispered, "I’m real sorry, Dr. Mike."

Michaela looked at Horace, her eyes questioning, and then taking the telegram she read the contents. "Dear Michaela STOP Mother passed away early this morning STOP She died peacefully in her sleep STOP Doctor said it was her heart STOP Please do not attempt to bring family all this way STOP Will tell you more later STOP Love Rebecca STOP."

Shocked and stunned, Michaela re-read the telegram again. Suddenly her hands began to tremble and her face turned a pasty white. Noticing the look on his ma’s face, Brian anxiously asked, "Ma, what is it? What’s wrong?"

"No! This must be a cruel joke. Mother wouldn't do this to me again," she whispered, her voice barely audible, and without another word Michaela let the telegram slip from her hands and picking up her skirts, she ran off into the woods. "Dr. Mike!" Horace called after her. "Ma!" Brian yelled to her retreating form, but their calls fell on deaf ears.

Stooping down, Horace picked up the telegram that had fallen onto the ground. "What’s wrong?" Brian asked again, his voice full of worry as he watched his ma disappear into the woods. Handing the telegram to Brian, Horace replied, "It’s your Grandma." As Brian read the telegram, his mouth fell open and he let out a gasp. Horace laid a hand on his shoulder and said, "I’m real sorry, Brian," and then looking to where Dr. Mike had disappeared into the woods he asked, "Where’s Sully. He otta know."

"Matthew and him are up in the North pasture cutting down some trees," Brian said, "I'll ride up there and get them."

Horace laid his hand on Brian's shoulder and giving his condolences he said, "I'm real sorry about your Grandma. Mrs. Quinn was a real nice lady". After a moments silence, Horace said, "Well, I gotta get back to the telegraph office. Are you gonna be okay?"

Brian swallowed hard over the lump in his throat. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I better go get Sully. Thanks, Horace." Horace gave Brian's shoulder one last pat and then he turned and mounted his horse and rode back into town while Brian headed for the barn to saddle Taffy.

As he reached the barn door Brian suddenly stopped in his tracks as he remembered Katie still asleep upstairs. He knew he couldn’t leave Katie all alone while he went for Sully, but as his eyes once again looked towards the woods where his ma had disappeared, he also knew he had to find Sully. Brian ran his hands nervously through his hair, unsure of what to do. "Think, Brian, think," he silently scolded himself as he stared at the open telegram in his hand.

"There’s only one thing I can do," Brian said to himself as he stuffed the telegram into his shirt pocket. "I’ll hitch up the wagon and then I’ll just have to wake Katie up and take her with me. It will take longer, but it’s the only way I can think of right now."

"It sure is a hot one," Matthew commented as he wiped the sweat from his brow. They had just finished cutting a large tree and were now sitting on a log, drinking from their canteens. Sully lifted his shirt off over his head and flung in over the log and then lifting the canteen he poured the cool water over his head. "Yep, it’s a scorcher alright," Sully replied. "Some of your ma’s lemonade would sure taste good about now."

"Sure is beautiful country out here," Matthew leaned back against a tree as his eyes scanned the horizon and then suddenly, in the far distance, he saw a cloud of dust as a wagon quickly approached. Pointing towards the approaching wagon, Matthew said, "Maybe there’s our lemonade right now." But as the wagon got closer, they soon realized that it wasn’t Michaela in the wagon, but Brian, and he was approaching at a rather hasty speed.

Sensing that something was wrong, Sully quickly stood and watched as the wagon neared. "What’s wrong?" Sully called loudly as the wagon jerked to a halt. As soon as Katie saw her pa she began to cry. She still wasn’t fully awake and had been crying for her ma and pa ever since Brian woke her up. Now, seeing her pa, she started crying louder.

Seeing his young daughter so distressed, Sully reached up and lifted her out of the wagon. "Sshhh, Kates, it’s alright. Pa’s got ya now," he whispered soothingly as he rubbed her back. Looking anxiously at Brian, he asked again, "What’s wrong, Brian. Where’s your ma? Something happen in town?" Matthew was now standing next to Sully holding the wagon still. Reaching into his shirt pocket, Brian pulled out the telegram.

"Horace brought this out a little while ago," Brian stated as he handed the piece of paper to Sully. As Matthew looked over his shoulder, Sully began to read the telegram. His eyes full of sorrow, Sully looked up at Brian and asked, "Did your ma see this?"

Nodding his head, Brian answered, his voice somewhat shaky, "Yeah, she was there when Horace brought it out."

"Where is she now?" Sully asked softly, his voice etched with concern. "That’s why I came out to get ya, Pa. After she read the telegram she ran off into the woods. Horace and me both called after her but she just kept on running," Brian was desperately trying to keep his emotions in check.

"How long ago?" Sully tried to sound calm. "It was probably close to an hour ago, Pa. Katie was asleep and I had to wake her up and hitch up the wagon before I could come after ya." Brian apologized for his delay.

"I’d better go find her," Sully said anxiously and then looking down at Katie, Sully spoke gently. "Katie, I want you to go home with Brian and Matthew now. Will you do that for me?"

Shaking her head, Katie continued to whine. "No, I want mama. Mama hold me," she cried as the tears trickled down her cheeks.

"I’ll go find your ma for ya, but right now I need you to go with Matthew and Brian, alright?" Sully kissed her cheek and stepping up to the wagon, he lifted Katie up to sit next to Brian. Grabbing his shirt off the log, Sully swiftly mounted his horse and then turning to his children he hesitated. Sensing his fatherly concern, Matthew quickly spoke up. "You go on, Sully. Find Dr. Mike. We’ll be alright."

Sully turned once again to Brian and asked, "Did you see where she went to, Brian?" the distress in his voice was not lost on either son. "She ran into the woods behind the house," Brian answered as he put his arm around Katie to keep her still. "See ya back at the house," Sully called as he gave his horse a kick.

As Sully galloped towards the homestead he thought of what his wife must be going through right now. His heart ached for her loss. He knew she must be devastated at losing her mother and, knowing his wife as he did, he also knew that she would be deeply hurting because of her mother's last visit and the way in which it had ended. Knowing Michaela, she would be blaming herself even right now. He wondered where she had gone to. He hoped she hadn't gone far from the homestead.

Sully's mind was filled with thoughts of Michaela as his horse rounded the bend and the homestead came into sight. He would leave his horse at the homestead and go look for Michaela on foot, he thought to himself. But as he neared the homestead he was quite surprised to see Michaela standing at the side of the house doing the laundry. Quickly he rode his horse over to the side of the house and swiftly jumped down.

"Michaela," Sully called as he ran to her. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he gently turned her around and buried her head against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Michaela," Sully whispered soothingly as his fingers lightly entwined her hair. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and held her close to him. But sensing something wrong, Sully gently pulled back from Michaela to look into her eyes and what he saw frightened him. He had expected to see tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, but to his surprise he saw neither.

Suddenly Michaela pulled away and turning around she continued with her previous task of scrubbing Brian's shirt. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he again turned her around so she was facing him. "Michaela, let me take you inside," Sully spoke softly as he looked into her eyes and reaching down, he removed Brian's wet shirt from her hands.

Michaela quickly lowered her eyes and then once again she pulled out of Sully's embrace and turned her back to him. "I have a lot of work to do, Sully," she said, her voice distant and cold, and stooping down she picked up a basket of clothes and brushing past Sully, she walked up the stairs and into the house.

For the remainder of the day Michaela kept herself busy with different tasks. She cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floors, she finished the whole week of laundry, and she even cleaned out Katie's closet and drawers. At Sully's advice, the rest of the family went about their normal Saturday routine and left Michaela to herself. By mid-afternoon though Katie was tired and feeling neglected by her mother and seeing her kneeling on the kitchen floor she went to her and sat down in her lap.

Sully watched from the corner of the living room as his wife reached out and drew Katie into her arms. She kissed the top of their daughter's head and he noticed as she quickly wiped a tear from her eye. "Are you getting sleepy?" Michaela whispered as Katie laid her head against her chest. Looking up, Katie answered, "Mama, sad. I hold you." Michaela hugged her daughter closer and taking a deep breath, Michaela's voice choked, "I love you sweetheart. Would you let mama rock you now?" Katie nodded her head and sticking her thumb into her mouth, she closed her eyes as Michaela carried her up the steps.

It was late that night when Sully finally went upstairs to their bedroom. He had hoped to find Michaela asleep in bed, but instead he found her sitting in the dark, staring at the wall. Walking over to the rocking chair, he slowly knelt in front of her and taking her hands into his, he tried talking to her once again. "Michaela, it's late. Why don't you come to bed," he whispered gently as he kissed each of her hands. She made no move to rise, nor did she acknowledge his presence. Cupping her face in his hands, he gently lifted her chin to look into his eyes. "Michaela, look at me, please," he gently pleaded. "Your ma's gone, you can't pretend it didn't happen.

Michaela's response to Sully was to lower her eyes and gently pull her hands from his. In one quick motion she pushed Sully aside and quickly stood up and walked out of the room. Sully watched in exasperation as she hurriedly left their room and walking down the hall, he heard her enter Katie's room and shut the door behind her.

Over the next few days Michaela continued to carry on as if nothing had happened. Her mother was never mentioned again and if Sully or either of the boys would try to approach the subject, she would simply leave the room. She kept herself busy enough during the day, between the clinic and her 'spring cleaning' at the homestead, but at night was an entirely different story. At night is when Sully would find her sitting alone in the dark, starring off into space.

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With a deep sigh, Sully watched now as his wife continued to stare into the empty fireplace. He knew that she was in a dark place; he had seen her like this before, after Washita and after she had been shot. He knew her way of dealing with this was not to deal with it at all. If she didn't acknowledge her mother's death, then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain she was feeling right now. Her last words with her mother had been harsh ones and he knew she would have to find a way to live with that. She had to find a way to make peace with it. And somehow he had to help her. But would she let him?

He had been thinking of a plan for the past couple of days and now as he watched his wife, he knew that now was the time to put his plan into action. For his plan he would have to get Matthew's and Brian's assistance, but he knew they would be willing. He would also talk to Grace and Robert E. He knew the boys could watch Katie, but he didn't want them to be saddled with her for the entire week.

The most difficult part would be to get Michaela to agree with his plan. He knew that in her present state of mind she would not willingly agree to go with him. He knew that he would have alot of convincing to do. But what if he gave her a reason that she couldn't refuse, he smiled as a sudden thought came to his head. Throwing off the covers, Sully slipped out of bed and pulled on his buckskins. Walking cautiously over to the rocking chair, Sully knelt down and touched Michaela's knee.

She looked up at his touch and attempted a smile. "Michaela, why don't you come to bed and lay down. I know you didn't sleep much last night," Sully soothingly rubbed her knee. "I can't sleep," she spoke softly as she began once again to rock. "Michaela, please," Sully pleaded, his concern evident in his eyes. "Let me get you something to help you sleep. You can't go on like this. You haven't slept in days, you're gonna make yourself sick."

Michaela looked up at Sully, her tortured eyes ripping his soul. "I'm afraid to close my eyes," she whispered, her voice barely audible. Lifting her hand to his cheek, Sully kissed it and then meeting her eyes, he asked again, "Please, will you let me get you something to help you sleep?" This time Michaela nodded her head slightly and lightly squeezed Sully's hand. Sully quickly stood up and walked over to the nightstand to retrieve Michaela's medical bag. Opening the bag he lifted out several bottles of powder and read the labels. After finding the right bottle, Sully mixed a small amount with a glass of water and handed it to Michaela.

After Michaela had finished drinking the liquid, Sully bent down and gently lifted her into his arms. Slowly he carried her back to their bed and laying her down in the center, he pulled the covers up to her chin. He sat down on the edge of their bed and lightly caressed her forehead. It wasn't long before the medicine took its desired effect and soon Michaela was sound asleep. Now it was time to put his plan into action.

As Michaela slept Sully went about putting his plan into action. He talked first with Matthew and Brian and they both agreed that something had to be done, and soon. As they listened to Sully’s plan, Matthew agreed to stay at the homestead with Brian and to take care of the chores. Brian though, was somewhat skeptical. "How are ya gonna get ma to go with you Sully?" he asked curiously. "We couldn’t even get her to go to church with us yesterday?"

"I know it ain’t gonna be easy, Brian," Sully answered dubiously. "But somehow I’ve gotta convince her that we need to get away, just the two of us."

"And how are you gonna do that?" Matthew asked bluntly.

"Well, I think I know of a way that she can’t refuse," Sully replied, a slight grin forming at the corner of his mouth. Seeing the questioning look on both Brian and Matthew’s face, he continued. "You both know I ain’t been keen on celebrating my birthday, and in fact I’ve never even told anyone when that day is. But the truth is that my birthday is coming up soon and I don’t think your ma could refuse the only present I’ve ever asked for, do you?"

Matthew broke into a huge grin and returned, "I think you might be right about that, Sully. Dr. Mike surely can’t say no to that request. She’ll be thrilled just to finally know when your birthday is."

Still somewhat skeptical, Brian spoke again with uncertainty. "Sully, I think your plan is a good one but ma ain’t exactly been herself the last few days. What if she don’t wanna go even if it is for your birthday?"

"Yeah, you’re right Brian, she ain’t been herself and I have thought about that," Sully answered somberly. "It may take some work on my part, but I’m just gonna have to convince her is all."

"So, when is your birthday, pa?" Brian asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Sully hesitated and Matthew spoke up. "Come on Sully, you can tell us. If you’re gonna tell Dr. Mike any ways, what will it hurt to tell us."

"It’s August 19th, but let’s just keep it in the family, alright. I don’t want the whole town knowing and I don’t want any parties or presents, agreed?" Sully looked at each of his sons.

Matthew nodded his head and Brian answered, "Alright pa, but do you think we could just have a little celebration here at home, with just our family?"

"I suppose that would be alright. Maybe after we get back from our trip, then we can have a ‘small’ celebration here," Sully agreed. "But right now I gotta go into town and pick up some supplies. Your ma’s still asleep, probably will be most of the day, and Katie’s still taking a nap. Would you mind watchin’ her when she wakes up?"

"Who, ma or Katie?" Matthew snickered, fully aware of his mother’s present state of mind.

Sully looked at Matthew and shrugging his shoulders, he too snickered slightly. Brian glanced from Matthew and back to Sully, and seeing the look on Sully’s face, he smiled also. "We’ll take care of both of them," Brian answered. "You go ahead and do whatever you need to do in town, and don’t worry about us here."

"Thanks, Brian, both of you," Sully answered as he headed for the front door. "I shouldn’t be gone too long."

"Alright, see ya in a little while," Matthew called after him as he shut the door behind him.

When Sully arrived in town the first place he went to was Grace’s Cafe. He would talk to Grace first about keeping Katie while they were gone. He would also speak with Dorothy to see if she could help out if the Cafe became too busy. Both women were more than willing to help their friends. Both were aware of Michaela’s reaction to her mother’s death and they also knew that if anyone could help her, it would be Sully.

Next he went to the general store and picked up some supplies. Loren was full of questions about Dr. Mike and what Sully intended to do about her. At one time Sully would have been put off with Loren for being so personal, but he knew that his family held a special place in Loren’s heart and that Loren was genuinely concerned. Loren had become like a grandfather to his children and like a father to Michaela and him. So he told Loren of his plans and Loren agreed to help in anyway he could.

When Sully returned home later on that day he found Katie and Brian playing in the yard. Katie ran to her papa as he hopped off of his horse. Sully leaned down and picking up his daughter he swung her high into the air. "I fly, papa," Katie squealed with delight. Kissing his daughter he set her back down on the ground. "Were you good for Brian," Sully asked as he held his hand behind his back. Seeing his hand behind his back, Katie tried to grab it. "What ya got, papa," Katie asked curiously as she tried to grab Sully’s hand.

"Were you good today, Kates?" Sully asked, a big smile on his face. "I good papa," Katie answered as she tried to jump up and grab Sully’s hand. She knew that her pa held a surprise for her, as they had often played this game before. Sully stooped down so that he was eye level with his daughter. Putting his arm around her tiny waist, he looked into her eyes and said, "I’ll give you your surprise, but there’s something I wanna tell you first."

"What tell me, papa?" Katie asked.

"Mama and me are going to go away for a little while and I want you to stay with Grace," Sully explained.

"No! I go with you," Katie pouted, the corner of her lips turning down ever so slightly.

"Not this time, Kates. But I want you to be a big girl for me and not cry. You know how much Miss Grace loves having her special girl stay with her," Sully spoke softly.

"I special girl?" Katie’s pout turned into a slight smile.

"You sure are. You’re my special girl and mama’s special girl...." Sully smiled as his daughter gave him a big hug.

"And you’re my special girl also, and Matthew’s and Colleen’s," Brian jumped in.

"I everyone’s special girl," Katie stated proudly. "Okay, I stay with Grace," Katie smiled up at her pa, and then reaching her hand out she asked, "Can I have surpise now?"

Sully laughed and then holding out his hand he opened it to reveal a tiny string of beads. Sully picked up the beads and placed them around Katie’s neck. "My beads, papa!" Katie exclaimed excitedly, her eyes widening in delight. "Yep, now you have your own beads just like mine, Kates," Sully smiled as he watched his daughter with joy. "You go play now. I have to get some things ready for our trip."

It was almost three o’clock when Sully quietly walked up the stairs to their bedroom carrying a tray of food. Michaela had been asleep the entire day but he knew that the last few sleepless nights had finally caught up with her. Carefully he walked over to their bed and set the tray down on the nightstand. Sitting on the edge of the bed he lightly stroked her arm. "Michaela," Sully called softly. She stirred slightly but did not answer. "Michaela, it’s me, Sully. Time to get up," he spoke a little louder this time.

She turned her head to the sound of his voice. "Sully," she mumbled as she tried to open her eyes. Sully could tell that she was having difficulty focusing and he realized that the effects of the medicine had not completely worn off. Tenderly brushing a lock of hair back behind her ear Sully leaned over to kiss her cheek. "It’s alright, Michaela. I’m right here," he soothed. "I brought you something to eat. Do you think you can sit up?"

Michaela again tried to open her eyes and focus on Sully. "Colleen and Brian will be late for school," she stammered as she wiped the sleep from her eyes. Sully realized that she was still disoriented and taking her hands into his, he kissed them. "Michaela, its summer break, remember, Brian’s out of school now and Colleen’s in Denver."

"Huh, what," Michaela forced her eyes to stay open this time and soon she was focusing on Sully’s face. Looking around the room, she quickly sat up. "What time is it, Sully?" Michaela asked, her voice anxious. Sully placed his hands on Michaela’s arms and looking into her eyes, he said, "It’s after three. You’ve been asleep all day."

As Michaela’s mind slowly cleared from the fog she was in, she suddenly remembered the events of the last few days. "Oh," she sighed as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the headboard. Seeing the troubled look on her face, Sully reached up and lightly brushed her cheek. "I brought ya something to eat," he said.

"I’m not really hungry," she answered timidly as she opened her eyes and glanced at the full tray of food.

"I know you’re not, but ya gotta eat," Sully spoke with determination. "Just try to eat a little, please," he pleaded softly as he set the tray down on her lap.

Seeing the concern in Sully’s eyes, Michaela attempted a smile. "I’ll try," she whispered as she picked up her fork. "Where’s Katie?" she asked after swallowing her first bite.

"Brian’s playing with her outside," Sully answered. "He said she ate a big lunch and then took a long nap".

"That’s good," she answered and then looking up at Sully, she asked, "Where were you?"

"I had to go into town for awhile, needed to see Robert E," he answered. They sat in silence for a few minutes as he watched Michaela take another bite when suddenly he noticed her looking rather pale. "You okay?" he asked as he laid his hand on her knee.

With each bite Michaela took her stomach began to feel more and more queasy. Slowly Michaela placed her fork back on the tray and pushed her plate away. "I don’t think I can eat anymore right now," she answered, her voice slightly cracking. "I’m sorry."

"Hey, that’s okay," Sully answered soothingly as he removed the tray from her lap, "you can try some more later. Is your stomach upset?"

Nodding her head, Michaela again leaned her head back against the headboard and closed her eyes. Sully watched as a single tear slid unbidden down her cheek. Reaching up he wiped the tear away and then taking a deep breath, he began, "Michaela, there’s something I want to talk to you about."

Sully could see Michaela’s muscles suddenly tense and opening her eyes she looked at Sully and replied, her voice fearful, "What?" Lifting her hand he brought it to his mouth and kissed each of her fingers. "I want us to go away together for a few days, just me and you. I’ve already arranged everything with the boys and Grace and Robert E will watch Katie."

Turning her head away Michaela quickly pulled her hand out of Sully’s grasp and threw back the covers. "Sully," she whispered dejectedly, but as she started to swing her legs over the side of the bed, Sully placed his hands on her legs to stop her. "Michaela, please, just hear me out," he pleaded with her. Michaela suddenly stilled and looking up at Sully, she sank back onto the bed.

"What did you have planned?" Michaela asked dispiritedly.

Sully once again grasped her hands in his and looking into Michaela’s eyes he stated matter-of-factly, "I want us to climb Pike’s Peak."

"Sully, I couldn’t..." Michaela started to protest but Sully quickly stopped her by placing his finger to her lips. "Sshhh, I know what you’re gonna say, but I’ve already taken care of everything. I’ve already wired Denver and they’re gonna send a doctor to fill in for ya and Grace and Robert E will take care of Katie while Brian and Matthew look after things here."

"You said for a few days, Sully," Michaela tried to rationalize. "We’d be gone a whole week if we climbed Pike’s Peaks. I couldn’t possibly be away for that long."

"Sure ya can," Sully told her encouragingly as he lovingly stroked her cheek. "You’ve been gone for that long before, even longer, and the town survived."

"But...." she began to protest again but Sully quickly interrupted. "Michaela, please, for me," he implored, his eyes locking with hers.

Michaela quickly lowered her eyes as she nervously wrung her hands. "But why Pike’s Peak, and why now?" she asked bleakly.

"Well, for one thing, you’ve attempted to climb Pike’s Peak three times now, and you’ve never reached the top. You’ve always said that you wanted to go back someday. So now I want to take you there, to share it with you," Sully answered with conviction.

Michaela sighed heavily and raising her anguished eyes to meet his she replied, "Sully, I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work. You just want me to go up there with you so you can force to me talk about something that I don’t want to talk about." Michaela was fighting hard now to hold back her tears. "Why can’t you just leave it alone?" she pleaded, once again turning her head away from Sully’s searching eyes.

Sully reached up and cupped her chin in his hands. "Michaela, look at me," he begged as he gently turned her face to his. "I know you and your mother parted angry the last time you saw each other and I know it’s tearing you apart, but you have to find a way to come to terms with her death."

Michaela’s tears were flowing freely now and Sully reached up and gently wiped them away. "I’d never force you to do anything, you know that," Sully reassured her, "and I promise you that if you don’t want to talk about this then you don’t have to. But it hurts me to see you like this, Michaela. I can’t just sit back and do nothing."

"Sully, I know you’re concerned for me but I don’t see how climbing Pike’s Peak is going to help," Michaela stated defensively.

"Maybe it won’t," Sully replied softly as he gazed into her tear-filled eyes. "But surely it can’t hurt, can it? And it’s been awhile since we’ve had some time alone together." He smiled softly and leaned over and lightly kissed her lips. "And as to why now, well, I can’t think of a better present than to spend my birthday alone on the top of a mountain with the woman I love." His smile broadened as he saw the puzzled look on Michaela’s face.

"Your birthday?" she smiled weakly. "You’ve never told me when that is."

"Yeah, I know," Sully grinned. "Well, when is it?" Michaela quietly asked, her curiosity peaking.

"If I tell you, will you go with me?" he asked, his eyes pleading. Michaela became pensive again and Sully noticed her hesitation and lifting her hand to his lips, he kissed the back of her hand. "Please, for me. For us." he pleaded once again.

Michaela looked into her husband’s pleading eyes and she felt her resolve quickly fading. "And you promise not to make me talk if I don’t want to?" she asked.

"I promise," Sully stated as he lightly squeezed her hand. "So does this mean you’ll go?" he asked hopefully.

"How can I refuse you the only birthday present you’ve ever asked me for," Michaela replied, a faint smile on the corner of her lips. "When would we leave?"

"Thank you," he whispered softly as he leaned over to kiss her once again. "Everything’s all ready. We’ll leave first thing in the morning."

"In the morning!" Michaela exclaimed, "so soon?" "I couldn’t possibly leave then...."

Sully quieted her with another kiss. "Michaela, I told ya, I’ve already taken care of everything. The only thing you gotta do is to be by my side. I’ve even explained to Katie that we’re going away for a little while and that she’ll be staying with Grace."

"And she was alright with that?" Michaela asked with concern.

"Yeah, she understands," Sully answered, "of course, it didn’t hurt any that I had a little surprise for her."

"You mean a bribe, don’t you. You’re going to spoil her, Sully," Michaela retorted, trying without success to sound angry.

Sully flashed her a sheepish grin and then in a soft voice he whispered, "I love you, Michaela." He then nodded his head toward the stairs. "I’m gonna go downstairs and start supper. Did you wanna get dressed now? Katie’s been askin’ for ya."

"Yes, I’ll be down in a few minutes," Michaela replied as Sully extended his hand to help her out of bed. As Sully walked towards the door, Michaela called after him. "Sully?" He stopped and turned to look at her. "Hmmm?" he replied.

"You never did tell me. When is your birthday?" she asked. "August 19th," he returned with a sly smile. "But, that’s still two weeks a...." She did not get a chance to finish her sentence as Sully was already out the door.

As Sully and Brian did the supper dishes, Michaela sat with Katie in one of the wingback chairs. To Sully’s dismay, Michaela’s melancholy mood had not improved since coming downstairs. Throughout supper she had been distant and unusually quiet but at least, to Sully’s relief, she had eaten most of her supper.

Sully watched her now out of the corner of his eye as she played with Katie on her lap. Katie was babbling on about her day but he could tell by the expression on Michaela’s face that she was only half listening to her daughter. She had a faraway look on her face, as if her mind was a thousand miles away. Several times Katie would tug at her sleeve and call her name to get her attention. By the third time Katie had had enough of being ignored. "Mama! Look at me, I talk to you," Katie screamed loudly, her mouth turned down in a pout.

All eyes turned abruptly to Katie, astonished by her loud outburst. "Katie," Sully’s voice was low but stern, "you don’t scream at your mother."

Katie quickly looked over to her pa and immediately knew that he was upset with her. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears and she whispered, "I sorry papa." Sully walked over to where Michaela and Katie were sitting and kneeling down beside them, he stroked Katie’s soft hair. "I know you are, but I think you should tell your ma you’re sorry, don’t you?"

Katie nodded her head and then looking up into her mother’s face, she reached up and threw her arms around her neck. "I sorry mama," she sniffled as she hugged her mother tighter.

Michaela looked down at her young daughter, her own eyes filled with tears, and whispered, "Oh, Katie. That’s all right. I’m the one who’s sorry. What did you want to tell me, sweetheart." Sully reached up and brushed the tears from Michaela’s eyes. "I show you present," Katie answered between hiccups. "A present?" Michaela asked curiously as she kissed her daughter’s cheek.

Katie held out her hand to show her mother the tiny string of beads. "Papa’s surprise," she smiled up at her mother. Fingering the beads lightly, Michaela smiled at her daughter. "Those are beautiful, Katie. Now you can be just like papa," Michaela spoke softly, her voice full of pride.

Sully reached up and lightly brushed Michaela’s cheek. "How about I take Katie up to bed now. You stay here and rest." Shaking her head, Michaela replied softly, "No, that’s alright, I’ll do it Sully." As she started to rise, Sully placed his hand on her arm. "Michaela, just stay here and rest. I’ll put her to bed for ya."

Michaela lightly stroked her daughters blonde hair and looking up into Sully’s eyes, her voice urgent, she whispered, "Please, Sully, I want to." Sensing her need to be with her daughter tonight, Sully extended his hand to help Michaela stand up. "Alright," Sully spoke quietly. "Why don’t the two of you go on upstairs to our bed. I’ll put Katie in her own room when I come up."

"Thank you," Michaela whispered as Sully helped her out of the chair. As Sully watched Michaela carry Katie up the stairs, he wondered if he was doing the right thing by taking her on this excursion.

The next morning Sully woke before dawn. He stretched lazily and as he did so he felt the empty space beside him. He looked around the darkened room and to his dismay he found Michaela once again sitting in the rocking chair. Slowly he rose out of bed and walked to her side. Kneeling down beside her, he was surprised but relieved to find her asleep.

He gently reached up and brushed his hand across her cheek. She didn’t stir. Carefully he slid one arm behind her back and the other arm under her legs and slowly he lifted her into his arms. Quietly he carried her over to their bed and gently laid her down, pulling the covers up around her. Gently he leaned over and kissed her forehead. She stirred slightly but her eyes remained closed. He decided to let her sleep a little while longer while he went downstairs and got the horses and their packs ready.

All throughout the morning Michaela’s pensive disposition had remained the same. She had been reluctant to leave Katie and had found several more excuses as to why they should postpone this trip. But Sully had been adamant about going and had made sure that everything had been taken care of beforehand. They had already decided that Matthew would ride with them to the foot of the mountain and then he would bring their horses back.

The sun was now high above their heads as they trudged up the mountain. The air was warm and humid but Sully made sure they traveled at a slower pace, stopping often for a cool drink of water. After all, they were in no hurry. He had told the children not to expect them back for at least a week.

He allowed Michaela to have her space as she walked slightly ahead of him, but she was never out of range of his watchful eyes. They walked in silence for most of the day, but that was okay with him. He was content to tune in to nature and to reconnect with Mother Earth.

Although the sun was beating down on them with furry, Sully didn’t seem to mind the heat that much. He was accustomed to working outside in all types of weather and it felt good to feel the sun warming his back. But by mid-afternoon though, Sully noticed that Michaela’s breathing had become labored and she was sweating profusely. He decided that now would be a good time for a short rest. "Michaela," Sully called ahead to her. She didn’t hear him so he called again, this time louder, "Michaela!"

Michaela stopped and turned around to let Sully catch up with her. "I think we should take a short rest," Sully spoke as he removed the canteen from over his shoulder. Taking the cap off, he offered it to Michaela. "You need to drink more," he stated softly. She wiped the sweat from her brow and reached for the canteen. As she drank thirstily, Sully removed his backpack and set it under a large oak tree. "Come here and sit down," he softly spoke to her. She walked over to where Sully was standing and handed him the canteen, then removing her backpack she wearily sank to the ground.

Sully too lowered himself to the ground and leaning back against the tree he drank freely from the canteen. He then removed the bandanna from his neck and pouring water onto it, he slowly began to cool Michaela’s face. "We’ll rest here for awhile," Sully whispered as he cooled her face and neck. "Why don’t you close your eyes for a few minutes."

"No, we need to be going soon," Michaela weakly protested as she leaned her head on Sully’s shoulder. "We will," Sully answered as he slid his arm behind her back and gently drew her into his arms. Instinctively Michaela laid her head on Sully’s chest and his hand began to soothingly rub her arm. Within minutes she was asleep.

An hour later Sully decided it was time to wake his wife. Gently shaking her shoulder, he softly called her name. "Michaela," Sully spoke quietly, "we need to get going now." Slowly Michaela opened her eyes and began to take in her surroundings. Remembering where they were, Michaela groggily answered, "You shouldn’t have let me sleep, Sully." Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she started to rise. Sully gently placed his hand on her arm and pulled her back. "It’s okay, we’re in no hurry," Sully spoke softly. "You needed to rest."

Michaela looked up at him and smiled shyly. "How far are we going today?" she asked apprehensively. Sully picked up her hand and lifted it to his lips. Kissing it softly, he replied, "It won’t be much farther. I thought we’d take it easy today and then get an early start in the morning." He paused a moment and then looking into Michaela’s eyes, he spoke softly. "We’ll reach Sam’s grave sometime tomorrow. Are you okay with that?"

Michaela thought about the last time that she tried to climb this mountain. Then she had reached Sam’s gravesite on the first day. But that experience had been a dreadful one, one in which they had lost another child. Now she wasn’t so sure if she wanted to see that place again. Michaela nodded her head but quickly lowered her eyes. Placing his hand under her chin, he gently lifted her head to look at him. He could see the tears in her eyes. "Michaela, it’s okay, I understand, but I’ll be right there with you."

Michaela reached up and grabbing his hands she squeezed them tightly. "I don’t know if I can do this Sully," she choked.

"Sure you can," Sully stated reassuringly. "I know it will be hard, for both of us. But we’ll get through it together." He pulled her into his arms and held her trembling body. After a moments silence, Sully drew back and whispered, "We don’t have to stay long, but there is something I wanted to do when we get there."

Michaela looked up at Sully with questioning eyes. "What’s that?" she asked softly. Sully leaned down and kissed her tears. "I wanted to place something on their graves. Something to let them know that they’re still in our hearts," he whispered, his own voice choking with emotion. They sat like that for several minutes clinging to each other while they tried to get their emotions in check. Finally Michaela pulled back and wiping away the last of her tears, she said, "I’m ready to start out again if you are." Sully nodded his head and standing up, he reached out his hand to help Michaela stand.

They made camp well before dusk and Sully could tell by looking at her face that Michaela was exhausted. He knew she had not slept well in days and that that, along with her lack of appetite, had contributed to her exhaustion. They worked silently as each went about their task of setting up camp. Sully started a fire for cooking while Michaela prepared their beds. Soon they were sitting side by side eating a meal of leftover venison and biscuits.

Michaela remained unusually quiet throughout supper, lost deep in thought. Sully’s heart ached for his wife and he desperately wanted to reach out to her, but remembering his promise, he held his tongue. He knew he would have to let her come to him on her terms. Taking her plate from her hands, he set it aside and then putting his arm around her, he drew her close to his chest. She sighed heavily but remained quiet.

They sat in companionable silence for a long time before Sully realized that Michaela’s eyes were becoming heavy with sleep. "Michaela," Sully whispered softly, "how bout we get some sleep now." Michaela nodded her head and took Sully’s outstretched hand. As she prepared for bed, Sully quickly cleaned up the dinner dishes and threw a few more logs onto the fire. Joining his wife under the blanket, Sully immediately pulled her into his arms. He kissed the top of her head and whispered, "I love you. Try to get some sleep,"

Squeezing his arm lightly, Michaela whispered back, "I love you Sully." But again, as it had the previous nights, sleep eluded her. Michaela lay awake well into the night, her thoughts rumbling around in her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about her mother, about David, about that night. She had laid that night to rest long ago, but now those ghosts were haunting her once again.

And then her thoughts turned to her mother. They had parted with such angry words. She never should have let her mother go that morning, not when they were so angry with each other. And just what had David told her about that night. Her mother had said that she was appalled at ‘her’ behavior. What did her mother think of her? That she was no better than one of Hank’s girls. Did her mother die hating her? And now she was gone and she could never set things right. The pain in her heart was overwhelming and she felt the tears trickle down her cheeks.

Sully lay with Michaela spooned against his body, his arms wrapped tightly around her. This was not how he envisioned their first night up on the mountain together. He desperately wanted to make love to her, but he knew that now wasn’t the right time. There would be other nights, he told himself. He felt her quiver slightly and instinctively he drew her closer to his chest. Bending his head down, he breathed in the scent of her hair. "I love you," he whispered between yawns, "everything’s gonna be alright. Sleep now."

Sully awoke the next morning just as the sun was peaking over the mountaintops. After a quick dip in the stream, Sully felt refreshed and ready to go but one quick look at Michaela’s tired eyes and he knew that she hadn’t slept much at all. They continued their climb at a moderate pace but today Sully stayed close to Michaela. It was mid-morning when they reached the spot where Sam Lindsey was buried. As her grave came into view Michaela slowed her pace and then suddenly she came to a halt. Sully took hold of Michaela’s hand and squeezed it lightly. There in front of them was a tiny mound of rocks, the baby that they had lost only seven months earlier.

Removing his backpack Sully slowly approached the small grave, gently pulling Michaela along with him. "Come on, I’ll be right next to you," Sully prodded gently. When he reached the grave he knelt down, but Michaela remained standing. Reaching into his backpack he pulled out two small wooden crosses. Glancing over his shoulder, he held them up for Michaela to see. On the first cross was engraved the words "Baby Sully - 1872" and the second cross had the words "Baby Sully - 1873" engraved into them. "I wanted both of our babies to know that they’re not forgotten," he said as he picked up a small rock and began to pound the wooden crosses into the ground.

Michaela stood behind Sully feeling paralyzed as he knelt down at the tiny grave. Nervously she rubbed her fingers against her sweaty palms and she felt her pulse racing. As she stared at the tiny grave she was abruptly thrown back to the time when she was lying right there on the ground, clutching at her stomach, begging Sully not to let Andrew take their child. Suddenly she was reliving that day all over again. Closing her eyes, she tried to shake the images, but the more she tried the more vivid they became. She was barely conscious of Sully talking to her, but his words did not register. It all seemed to be crashing in on her at that moment and she knew she had to get away, and fast. Without a word Michaela silently turned and ran up the path, never once looking back.

After he finished pounding the second cross into the ground, he paused a few moments to say a silent prayer. With a quick swipe at his eyes, he again reached into his backpack. "I also made something for Sam’s grave, but I thought you might want to place it on her grave." He turned around with another small wooden plaque but to his surprise she was gone. "Michaela!" he called but he received no response. Quickly he placed the plaque back into his backpack and threw it over his shoulder. With a quick glance down the path they had just come, he turned and quickening his pace, he headed up the mountain after Michaela.

Five minutes later he saw Michaela ahead of him on the path and he called out to her. "Michaela!" Sully yelled "wait up, please." Sully quickened his pace and soon he was running to catch up with her. As he reached her he gently took hold of her arm and stopping her, he turned her around to face him. Michaela’s whole body was trembling and her tears were falling steadily down her cheeks. In one swift motion Sully pulled her into his arms and held her as he gently rocked them back and forth.

As he continued to hold Michaela he slowly felt her relax in his arms. "I’m so sorry, Michaela," Sully whispered soothingly, his cheek resting on her head. "I should of never brought you up here. It was too soon." He wished with all his heart that he could take away her pain. "Please forgive me," he whispered softly, his own eyes moist with tears.

Michaela lifted her tear-stained face to look into Sully’s eyes. "It’s not your fault," she sniffled softly. "It’s just… as I was standing there, looking at that grave, I felt as if I was reliving it all over again and I had to get away. I’m sorry."

Sully reached down and gently swiped at her tears. "Hey, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I should have realized that it would still be to painful for you. I guess I wasn’t thinking straight." He lifted her chin and gently caressed her cheek and then leaning down he lightly kissed her lips. Looking into her eyes, he asked, "Did you want to rest a bit or do you feel like going on?"

"No, I’m fine, really. We can keep going," she answered and then squeezing Sully’s shoulders, she pulled apart. "You sure?" he asked again, looking deep into her eyes. "Yes, I’m sure," she replied as she feigned a smiled. Stepping back, she straightened her shoulders and then shifting her backpack, she said, "Let’s go."

They reached their next destination just before dusk and they quietly went about setting up camp before the sun set. To Sully’s disappointment, this night was much like the last. Michaela remained distant and withdrawn and except for the fact that she allowed him to hold her as they sat before the fire, she barely acknowledged his presence.

Sully had hoped that this excursion would be a time full of romance, a time where they could reconnect and become spiritually one again. And even though they were sitting close to each other right now, their spirits were far apart. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this, but one thing he did know, his promise was getting harder and harder to keep.

Sully lay on his back looking up into the night sky, the glowing embers from the dying fire casting off a dim glow. The moon and the stars were shining brilliantly tonight and it almost seemed as if he could reach up and touch them. He turned to face his sleeping wife and gently he caressed her cheek. Tomorrow they would reach the top and he prayed that somehow he would be able to break through the barrier that she had built around them, that this time tomorrow night he would be making love to his wife on the top of this vast mountain.

The sun was now high above their heads as they steadily made their way up the mountain path. Even at this high altitude, the air was still unusually warm and humid. He could only imagine how hot it must be back home. As they stopped to rest on a fallen log and to drink from their canteens, Sully pulled his shirt off over his head and stuffed in into his backpack. "It sure is a hot one today," Sully replied as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"It certainly is," Michaela answered as she unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse and then rolled up her sleeves. "Sully, you better be careful not to get burned, the sun is even more dangerous this high up."

"I will," Sully replied as he removed the bandanna from around his neck. "I won’t leave it off very long, just coolin’ off some." Sully poured a small amount of water onto the bandanna and then reaching for Michaela’s hair he lifted it up and gently wiped the back of her neck. "How’s that feel?" he asked smiling.

"That feels nice," she answered softly as she leaned back against him and closed her eyes. For the first time in days Michaela felt completely relaxed as Sully slowly ran the cool cloth down the front of her neck and down to her open collar.

Sully watched Michaela’s face as he slowly moved the cloth over her soft skin and he felt her relax as she leaned up against him. For the first time in days he felt the tension leave her body. Leaning down he placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head and whispered, "I love you." Slowly his hand slid under her blouse and as the cool cloth touched her breasts, she tensed slightly and let out a small gasp. "Relax," Sully whispered soothingly in her ear, "just lay back and relax."

It wasn’t long before Sully noticed the rapid rise and fall of Michaela’s chest and he knew his loving hands were having an effect on her. He felt his own body reacting to the nearness of her and pressing himself tightly against her he began kissing her neck. But without warning Michaela suddenly tensed and removing Sully’s hand she began to do up her buttons. "We need to be going now," Michaela stammered as she quickly stood up and reached for her backpack.

Sully let out a sigh as he watched Michaela scurry to her feet. Standing up beside her he threw his backpack over his shoulder and then reached for her hand. "You’re right," he answered softly. "If we’re gonna reach the top by sunset we probably should be going." He let Michaela take the lead but he followed close behind. As he thought about what had just almost happened, a slight smile crossed his lips. "Maybe there is still hope for tonight after all," he thought to himself.

They reached the top of the mountain just as the sun was beginning its descent. After relieving themselves of their loads, Sully grabbed Michaela’s hand and walked to the edge. Putting his arm around her waist, he whispered in her ear, "Isn’t it magnificent?" "Yes, it is," Michaela answered softly. "It’s breathtaking. I’ve never seen anything like it."

They stood there in silence for a long time, paralyzed by nature’s beauty, as they watched the sun slowly fade behind the mountaintops. The sun was now a bright ball of orange and red and as its colors reflected off the mountaintops, it gave the trees below a redish glow. "It’s so beautiful, Sully," Michaela spoke in barely a whisper. "Thank you for bringing me here." Cupping her chin in his hands, he gently turned her face towards his. "Yes, you are beautiful," he whispered as he lightly brushed her lips with his. "And I’m glad I’m seeing this for the first time with you."

They stood there for a few minutes longer before Sully spoke, a smile on his lips, "We better set up camp before it gets too dark, then we can enjoy our night together." The gleam in his eyes did not go unnoticed by Michaela, and flashing a slight smile, she replied, "You’re right, we’d better hurry while we still have light. You start the fire and I’ll make up our beds."

"You didn’t eat much," Sully spoke softly as he reached down and took Michaela’s half-empty plate from her hands. "You okay?" She looked up at him and gave him a slight smile. "I’m fine Sully, really. I just wasn’t that hungry is all."

"That’s all right," he replied. "You sit still while I do up these few dishes and then we can enjoy this view."

"That sounds lovely," Michaela said as she wrapped her coat more tightly around her. "I’m glad you convinced me that we needed a fire tonight. As hot as it was today I didn’t think we would need one, but I must admit a fire feels nice."

"Yep, I knew as soon as the sun went down the temperature would drop. It hasn’t gotten too cold yet, but by morning we’ll definitely feel the chill," Sully answered. Grabbing a couple of blankets, Sully walked over to Michaela and reached down for her hand. "Come on, let’s sit over there, close to the edge," he pointed to the spot where they had stood earlier enjoying the view.

After spreading out a blanket Sully helped Michaela sit down and then he took his place by her side. Taking the other blanket he wrapped it around their shoulders and then putting his arm around her he slid closer until their hips were touching. Immediately Michaela laid her head against his shoulder and let out a sigh. Sully leaned over to kiss the top of her head and together they sat in silence and watched as the stars glistened in the night sky.

Every few minutes Sully would glance at his wife’s face and his heart would once again break. All of the sparkle had gone out of her eyes and now they were filled with torment and remorse. It was killing him to watch her like this, knowing that there was nothing he could do. He desperately wanted to take her into his arms and make love to her, to take away her pain, but he was afraid that she would reject his overtures and that he would only make matters worse. He knew he had to let her work this out herself, but he wanted her to know that he was there for her.

He only wished that she would open up to him, to tell him what had transpired between her mother and herself. She had never kept anything from him before, but he knew that he couldn’t force her to tell him, that she would have to come to him willingly. And there was something else that still worried him. Ever since they received news of her mother’s death, he had not seen Michaela grieve and Sully knew that sooner or later she was going to have to face that harsh reality. Unconsciously he squeezed Michaela’s shoulder and hugged her tighter against him.

Michaela stared unseeingly ahead, oblivious to the magnificent view around her. She was conscious of Sully’s arms around her and yet she knew that there was still such a distance between them. Over the last few weeks she had purposely pushed him away, building an unbreakable wall around her, refusing to let him in. By keeping everyone at a distance, especially Sully, she could stay numb to the guilt and the shame that was threatening to consume her.

She remembered Sully’s words to her. She had to find a way to come to terms with her mother’s death. But how? They had parted with such angry words between them. She should have never let her mother leave that morning. She had promised herself after David had been killed in the war that she would never let this happen again. And now, as before, she would have to find a way to live with that guilt.

She thought about everything that happened over the past few years. Sully hiding from the army and her subsequent miscarriage, learning that Sully had a son that neither of them knew about and knowing that his son was terminally ill, and then most recently the loss of another child and the knowledge that there would never be anymore. How had she endured all of those sorrows? Suddenly she felt Sully’s hand gently squeeze her shoulder and his hold on her tightened. And in that instant she knew her answer.

CONTINUED