A Dark Secret - part 8

When Sully walked through the front door his senses were immediately tantalized by the aroma of freshly baked goods. "Michaela," he called as he entered the front door and taking off his belt he hung it up on the hook. He didn't see Michaela or Katie but he did notice two apple pies sitting on the counter. He walked upstairs and peeked into Katie's room but it too was empty. Heading towards their bedroom, he slowly opened the door. He smiled at the sight that beheld him. Katie was sleeping snugly against Michaela, her arm wrapped securely around Michaela's neck while Michaela's arm was laid protectively over Katie's back.

He walked quietly over to the bed and gently kissed Katie on the cheek and then leaning over, he placed a kiss on Michaela's forehead. He looked closely at Michaela and noticed how pale she looked and the dark circles under her eyes. As much as he wanted to talk to her, he felt that she needed this sleep so he quietly walked back out of the room. Walking back downstairs, he decided to catch up on some of the chores out in the barn.

About an hour later Sully went back inside and up to their bedroom. As he walked over to the bed he noticed that Katie was now awake. She smiled when she saw her pa walk over to the bed. Leaning over he picked Katie up and said, "Hello, sweetheart, did you have a good nap with your ma?"

"Katie sleep with ma," Katie told Sully as she placed a wet kiss on his cheek. "Ma sick in latween," Katie told Sully.

Sully glanced at Michaela and then looking back at Katie he said, "How bout we let your ma sleep and you can help me start supper? How's that Katie?"

"Make pies?" Katie asked smiling.

"Yes, I see you and your ma made pies today, but now you can help me with supper," Sully returned. Glancing one last time at Michaela, he took Katie downstairs. He was getting worried about Michaela and he knew that he would have to talk to her soon. He had to find out if what Hank, Andrew and even Sheryl suspected was true. Somehow he had to get her to talk to him.

Sully started fixing supper while Katie sat quietly eating an apple. Before he knew it he heard a wagon pull up out front. Picking up Katie, he walked outside and found Matthew pulling the wagon up to the front door. He walked over to the wagon just as Matthew was helping Sheryl down.

"Hi Matthew, thanks for bringing everyone out," Sully said as he patted Matthew on the back.

"Glad to do it, Sully. How's Dr. Mike?" Matthew asked.

"She's sleeping right now. Has been since I got home early this afternoon," Sully replied, concern showing on his face.

Brian and Josh jumped out of the wagon and Brian yelled to Sully, "Pa, we brought home the fish we caught today. It's all cleaned and ready to cook. We'll take them into the kitchen, okay?"

"That would be great Brian. Supper's just about ready. All we need to do is cook up the fish," Sully answered him.

Sully set Katie down on the ground and she ran into Matthew's arms. "Hey little sis, how's it going?" Matthew said to Katie as he swung her up into his arms.

"Luv Mattchew," Katie said as she kissed his cheek. "Katie help mama bake pies," Katie said to Matthew with a huge grin on her face.

"You did, did you. Well, I bet they're the best pies ever made, right Kates?" Matthew said to her.

Just then Sheryl walked over to Sully and holding out a brown paper bag, she said, "Well, it looks like we won't be needing this tonight. Grace sent over a pie also. But I bet the one Katie made is much better," she said as she smiled at Katie.

"My pie better," Katie said giggling.

Sheryl looked at Sully and then quietly asked, "So you didn't talk to her yet?"

"No," Sully replied, "when I got home she and Katie were sleeping. She's still asleep but I better go in and wake her up now."

"I'll put the fish on cooking, if that's all right with you?" Sheryl asked as they all headed towards to house.

"Yeah, that'd be great," Sully said as he opened the front door and everyone went inside.

"Michaela, it's time to wake up," Sully whispered as he brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes and leaning over, he kissed her eyelid. Michaela slowly opened her eyes to see Sully sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Sully?" Michaela called as she reached her arm out to find Katie. Sully realized what Michaela was reaching for and quickly assured her.

"Katie's downstairs. Matthew just brought Sheryl and Brian and Josh home. Supper will be ready soon."

Michaela stretched out her arms and let out a yawn. "What time is it?" she questioned as she glanced out the window.

"It's almost 5:30," Sully replied while he continued to stroke Michaela's arm.

"5:30!" Michaela exclaimed. "Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"

"Cause you needed to sleep," Sully replied and then cautiously he asked, "How ya feeling? Katie said you were sick today."

Michaela quickly sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "I'm fine Sully," Michaela replied abruptly as she stood up, her eyes avoiding Sully's. "Now if you'll let me freshen up a bit, I'll be down in a minute."

Sully stood back from the bed as Michaela walked over to the wash basin. He knew she was avoiding his question but he thought better of pursuing it at this moment. Walking over to her he put his arms around her waist and leaning over her shoulder he whispered into her ear. "I love you."

She turned her head slightly and smiling weakly, she returned, "I love you too. Now go, I'll be down in a minute."

Michaela splashed the cold water on her face and then picking up a towel she patted her face dry. "Another night of getting through this," she thought to herself. "Another night of watching Sully with Sheryl and Josh." Taking a deep breath and shrugging her shoulders back, she said to herself, "I can do this. I can do this for Sully."

Ten minutes later Michaela walked down the steps. Sully and Sheryl were in the kitchen preparing supper and Brian and Josh were setting the table. Putting on a smile Michaela walked over to the table. "Hello Brian, Josh."

"Hi, ma," Brian said as he walked over to her and gave her a hug.

"How are you feeling Josh?" Michaela asked and picking up the pile of plates sitting on the table, she began to set the table.

"Okay, Dr. Mike, just a little tired," Josh answered.

"Yes, I know how that is," Michaela said wearily. And then walking over to the counter, she picked up the bowl of potatoes to carry over to the table.

Sully quickly took the bowl from her hands and said, "Why don't you sit down and rest, Michaela. We can handle everything out here."

Michaela looked up at Sully and replied, "I'm not helpless Sully," and then grabbing the bowl from Sully's hands, she walked over to the table and set the bowl down.

During supper Michaela felt Sully watching her carefully. She knew he was only being concerned for her but she felt somewhat irritated no less. She had not been feeling well most of the day and had even gotten sick while baking pies. She knew she had to eat something so Sully would stop watching her, but her stomach was still queasy. Avoiding Sully's eyes, she kept her attention on Katie and managed to eat a few bites in between.

After supper, Michaela stood up and started clearing the table. Sully looked up at her from his end of the table and said lightheartedly, "Don't worry about the dishes, Michaela. We can handle this. Why don't you go and sit down by the fire?"

"Stop fretting over me, Sully," Michaela chided loudly. Everyone turned their heads towards Michaela at her sudden outburst. Pushing the chair behind her, Michaela turned and walked over to the kitchen counter. Sully stood up and walked over to where Michaela stood.

Standing behind her he put his hand on her shoulder and spoke in a low voice. "I'm sorry, Michaela. I'm just worried about you, that's all." Turning Michaela around to face him, Sully looked into her eyes, now moist with unshed tears. "Please, why don't you go and sit down in front of the fire. We'll take care of the dishes." Michaela saw the concern and worry in Sully's face and reluctantly she agreed.

After the dishes were done, Brian and Josh set up a board game on the table. Brian asked Michaela if she wanted to play but she politely declined. So Brian, Josh, Sheryl, Matthew and Sully all sat around the table playing a game while Michaela sat in a wingback chair in front of the fire. Katie sat on Sully's lap, helping him with his moves.

After awhile Katie became bored sitting still on Sully's lap and soon climbed down. She wandered over to her ma and climbed up on her lap. Katie rubbed her sleepy eyes while Michaela patted her back, and soon Katie was sleeping soundly.

Michaela sat in the wingback chair staring into the fire. As she listened to the laughter coming from the kitchen her mind began to wander. She thought of how young and beautiful Sheryl was and wondered once again if Sully regretted his decision so many years ago when he left the cabin that morning. Sheryl could give him more children, and now she couldn't.

Michaela thought back to that morning when she discovered the newspaper clippings of Sully in Sheryl's room. She remembered how sick she felt when she realized that it had been Sully with Sheryl that night. And she remembered Sheryl telling her it had been the most wonderful night she had ever spent and now she wondered if Sully had felt that way also. As she listened to their jovial laughter, the hurt and betrayal she felt that day came rushing back with full force

Michaela gripped Katie tighter as the tears began to silently fall. She tried to get her emotions in check, but the harder she tried the more the tears fell. She desperately wanted to escape the pain and the hurt she was feeling but she didn't know how, she didn't know what to do. Her thoughts were consumed with Sheryl and Sully and it was tearing her apart. She wanted to believe that Sully loved only her, but the fact that he never told her about that night belied that.

Sully looked up from the gameboard and as he had so often that night, he glanced over at Michaela. He noticed that Katie was now sound asleep, her head laying on Michaela's shoulder. Looking around the table, he said, "If you'll excuse me for just a minute, I think I'll take Katie up to bed."

He walked over to Michaela and as soon as he stood in front of her, he saw the tears running down her cheeks. Without a word he gently leaned over and lifted Katie from her arms. Standing up he looked towards the table and softly called for Matthew. "Matthew," Sully spoke softly, "could you take Katie up to bed for me, please."

Matthew immediately came over to where Sully was standing and after glancing quickly at Michaela, he took Katie from Sully's arms. Matthew then headed up the steps to Katie's room. Sully leaned back down and gently brushed the tears from Michaela's face. Then slipping his arms under her, he swiftly lifted her up in his arms, alarmed at how little she now weighed. Michaela looked up at him tearfully, but without protesting, she laid her head on Sully's shoulder while he carried her up the steps and to their room.

Sully knew he had to talk to Michaela tonight and even more so, he had to find a way to get her to talk to him. Whatever it was that was bothering her was now seriously affecting her health. He looked into Michaela's eyes and was torn apart at what he saw. The pain and the anguish he saw in them was unbearable. As he laid Michaela down in the center of the bed, he lightly brushed his lips against hers. "I'll have Matthew take Sheryl and Josh home now, and then I'll be right back up, all right?" Michaela only nodded her head as the tears continued to fall.

Once downstairs Sully returned to the table. "Is ma all right?" Brian asked, worry written all over his face.

"She's gonna be fine, Brian," Sully answered half-heartedly, trying to reassure Brian as much as himself. Sully turned to Sheryl and asked, "Would you mind if Matthew took you and Josh home now?"

"Of course not, Sully. Would you like Brian to come home with us also?" Sheryl replied, understanding Sully's need to be alone with Michaela.

Sully looked at Brian with questioning eyes and asked, "Would that be all right with you?"

Brian looked at Sully and then said, "Sure, that's fine, pa. But... is ma gonna be all right, really?"

Sully walked over to Brian and putting his arm around his shoulder, he said, "Your ma lost another baby Brian and right now she's real sad. It's just gonna take some time for her to heal. But your ma and me do need to talk, if I can get her to." And then looking into Brian's eyes, he said, "Remember the time your ma got shot and she wouldn't talk about it?" Brian nodded his head, remembering all too well that horrible time. "Well, this is kinda like that. She needs to talk about what happened so I can help her get through this. Do you understand that?"

"Yeah, pa, I understand. And if anyone can help ma get through this, I know you can. Just like you helped her the last time," Brian answered and then looking up at Sully sheepishly, he said in a low voice, "Sully, will you tell ma I love her?"

"You know I will, son," Sully replied. Sully then looked at Matthew and extending his hand, he said, "Thanks, Matthew, I really appreciate your help."

Matthew shook Sully's hand and then said, "It's no problem, Sully. Glad I can help in any way. You just take care of ma, all right?"

Josh then walked up to Sully and gave him a hug. "Bye, Sully. I'll see you tomorrow. Tell Dr. Mike I hope she's feeling better."

Sully returned Josh's hug and answered with a twinkle in his eye, "I will, Josh. Now you take care of Brian for me and keep him out of trouble, okay?"

"I'll keep them both out of trouble, if that's at all possible," Sheryl teased. And then shooing the boys out the door, she paused a moment and turning around to Sully, she spoke softly and with genuine sincerity, "Good luck, Sully. I hope everything works out tonight."

Nodding his head slightly, Sully answered, "Thanks," before shutting the door and slowly heading up the stairs.

Sully opened the door to Katie's room and walked inside. Bending down, he gently rubbed her back. Sully smiled as he thought of how tiny Katie looked laying in such a big bed. They had taken her out of her crib many months ago when she had learned to climb out. Sully suddenly remembered Katie's crib, still set up in the corner of their bedroom and he made a mental note to himself to take it down and put it in the loft. Michaela didn't need anything else to remind her that there would never be any more babies to fill the crib with. Sully gave Katie a kiss on the cheek and then covered her snugly with the blanket, and then turning around, he quietly left her room.

Sully paused outside their bedroom door and took a deep breath. Slowly he turned the knob and walked in and then quietly walked over to Michaela's side of the bed. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Sully whispered hesitantly, "Michaela, we need to talk." When he received no answer, he gently placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. "Michaela, I know you don't want to talk about this, but you're gonna have to sometime. And I think now is the time, whether you want to or not." Sully stated sternly.

Michaela looked up at him, a blank stare on her face. Sully touched her cheek lightly and then said softly, "I heard something today, something that I didn't want to believe."

"What was that?" Michaela sniffled.

Sully looked into Michaela's tear-filled eyes and meeting her gaze he said, "Hank stopped by the clinic today and he told me he knew what you were upset about." Sully paused a moment to watch Michaela's face and then picking up her hand he squeezed it tightly.

"What did he say?" Michaela whispered.

"He told me that you were bothered by Sheryl being here," Sully replied as he held her gaze. "That maybe you thought there was something more between the two of us. Is that what you think, Michaela?"

Michaela quickly lowered her eyes and pulled her hand away from Sully's grip. "That's it, isn't it? That's what's been bothering you all this time." Sully once again took Michaela's hand in his and with his other hand he gently lifted her chin. "Look at me, Michaela. You have to believe me when I say that there is, nor ever was, anything between us. I love you, only you, and nothin's ever gonna change that. But please, I need for you to talk me," Sully implored.

Michaela swallowed over the lump in her throat and swiped at the tears that continued to fall. Looking deep into Sully's eyes she choked, "You hurt me Sully. You hurt me so much. Why didn't you ever tell me about her?"

As Sully looked back into Michaela's eyes he saw the pain and hurt that he had caused and it felt like he was being ripped in two. Sully choked back his own tears now and swallowing hard, he said, "I was afraid to tell you." Michaela looked at him and with her eyes she encouraged him to go on. "I was afraid of losing you. I wanted to tell you back when we was courtin', but after I saw how you reacted over Kathryn, I was afraid that you wouldn't want anything to do with me if you found out what I had done."

Through her sniffles, Michaela whispered, "If you would have told me then Sully, I would have understood."

"Would you have?" Sully questioned. "I knew how you reacted over Kathryn, and we only shared a kiss, her kiss not mine," Sully quickly added. "And I knew how you felt about, you know, being intimate ... and I was so afraid that you would walk away from me forever if you found out. I just couldn't take that chance."

"I keep remembering that night, outside the barn, when we fought about Kathryn. I had always wondered what you meant that night, when I asked you if you had ever been with another woman since Abagail died. Do you remember?" Michaela asked softly.

"Yeah, I remember. You told me you wanted the truth, and I said, 'no you don't'. I'm sorry I didn't tell you then, but you were already so angry with me about Kathryn. Would your love for me have been so strong then, we weren't one, we didn't have Katie? I was only trying to protect you from getting hurt again, or maybe I was protecting myself, I don't know anymore," Sully said, his voice trailing off.

"Sully, I love you so much, but it seems that the more I love you the more it hurts," Michaela cried as her silent tears now turned into sobs. Sully reached for Michaela and pulling her against his chest, they clung to each other as both released their tears. After a few moments, Sully pulled slightly away and said, "Do you remember what Sam told you one night, that if it wasn't love, it wouldn't hurt."

Michaela looked into Sully's eyes and whispered, "Yes, I remember."

"I love you so much, Michaela, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I should have talked to you about this the day you found out about Josh. I should have insisted that we talk."

"I was the one who didn't want to talk about it then." Michaela told him.

"Well, if you're ready to listen, I'd like to tell you everything," Sully replied.

Michaela lightly nodded her head and patted the bedsheet beside her. Taking his queue, Sully walked around to the other side of the bed and removing his boots, he climbed in and sat next to Michaela.

Sully reached up and swiped at a tear running down Michaela's cheek. Picking up her hand, he laid it in his lap, his own hand resting over hers. Looking into her eyes, he began. "It happened soon after I had deserted the army. I was still grieving over Abagail and then after I killed that man for the army I just ran away, and I just kept running. I found an abandoned cabin deep in the woods and I stayed there for a short time."

"I was barely existing from day to day, not caring if I lived or died. I couldn't sleep because of the constant nightmares, and I didn't care if I ate or not. I was buried under this deep fog and I didn't know how to get out from under it. I didn't know if I even wanted to come out from under it. And then one morning this woman shows up, badly beaten and bruised. After she told me her husband had beaten her, I took care of her. I took care of her wounds and then I gave her something to eat."

Sully once again looked into Michaela's eyes, filled with tears, and pausing a moment to kiss her hand, he continued. "As we were sitting in front of the fire that night, I saw Abagail sitting in front of me. I wanted so badly to be with Abagail again, to touch her again, that in my mind Sheryl became Abagail that night. For that night life outside that cabin ceased to exist."

Sully paused once again and took a deep breath, but Michaela remained still, her eyes unwavering. Picking up her hand he held it to his cheek and then looked back into Michaela's eyes and continued. "Michaela, I know I hurt you but you have to believe me when I tell you that I was with Abagail that night, not Sheryl. I even called her Abagail, Sheryl told me so. In my mind I was back in our old homestead making love to my wife again."

The tears were once again running freely down Michaela's cheeks. With her thumb she reached over and wiped the tears that were now coming from Sully's eyes also. "I think I know how you felt. When I thought David had died I too wanted to crawl into a shell and never have to feel again. But I had a family and friends who wouldn't let that happen. You had noone Sully. Even Loren, Abagail's own father, blamed you for her death. I understand how that could happen," Michaela whispered.

Sully leaned over and lightly brushed his lips across Michaela's, thanking her for her understanding. "After I woke up the next morning and realized what had happened, I was so ashamed that I left without saying anything. I couldn't face her after what I had done, so I just kept on running. I stayed in the woods for months, eventually finding my way back to Colorado Springs, where Cloud Dancing found me."

"As time went on I wasn't sure if that night had even happened, if maybe it had all been one of my dreams, and eventually I convinced myself that it was a dream. Up until the day Sheryl arrived, I still wasn't sure if it had really happened., but I could never bring myself to tell you anything for fear of losing you."

It was Michaela's turn now to take a deep breath, and looking into Sully's eyes she said, "Sully, I've never felt so alone as I have this past month. When I found out that Josh was your son it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. All I wanted to do was run away, to get as far away from here as possible, away from you and away from Sheryl and Josh. I've felt so sick ever since then and I can't stop thinking about you and Sheryl together that night."

"Oh, God, Michaela, I'm so sorry I put you through all of this," Sully whispered while lovingly stroking Michaela's arm. "But I swear to you, there was never anything between us. Like I told you before, I thought I was with Abagail that night."

Michaela looked into Sully's eyes and swallowing over the lump in her throat, she continued. "I thought the reason you didn't tell me about that night was because maybe you regretted leaving that morning and now you had second thoughts. And then when you told me you didn't want a baby, I thought that since you had your own son now, you didn't want ours anymore," Michaela tearfully cried.

"Is that why you thought I didn't want another baby, because Josh was my son?" Sully asked gently.

"Yes," Michaela whispered softly. "Whenever I saw the three of you together I saw how happy you were and I felt like such an outsider. You had your family now, but I wasn't a part of it. I felt like I was standing on the outside watching you with your family, with Brian and Katie and Sheryl and Josh, but it was your family, not mine."

Sully gently took hold of Michaela's hand and lifted it to his cheek. "I tried to get you to come along with us, Michaela, but you always found a reason not to. I guess I was so involved with Josh that I never stopped to think about your feelings. Why didn't you tell me how you really felt?"

"Remember the day I found the clippings in Sheryl's room and I ran off?" Michaela asked.

"Yeah, I remember," Sully somberly replied, remembering all too well that day and the fear he felt inside of him.

"I decided that day up on the ridge that my feelings didn't matter, that we had to think of Josh now. I wanted to do everything I could to make it easier for you so I put my feelings aside and I've tried to bury them ever since. You've always been there for me Sully, even when David returned you supported me, and I wanted to be there for you. I know how hard this has been for you, knowing that Josh is so ill, and I didn't want to add to your burdens.," Michaela uttered.

"Michaela, you could never be a burden to me, don't you know that. I love you so much, and it hurts me to know that I caused you so much pain. How can I ever make it up to you?" Sully choked, his voice trembling. "Can you ever forgive me?" he pleaded.

"I've already forgiven you, Sully. That's what marriage is all about, right? Loving each other and forgiving each other. And I do love you, so much, that's why I was hurt so deeply. I needed you so much but even though you were beside me, I felt so alone. I don't ever want to feel that way again," Michaela responded, her eyes once again swelling with tears. And then suddenly all of the emotions that Michaela had buried deep inside her rose to the surface and she threw her arms around Sully and cried, heart-wracking sobs that continued to shake her whole being.

Sully held Michaela tightly in his arms, her head buried in his chest while her tears wetted his shirt. He knew she needed to vent her feelings, to finally let everything out that she had kept inside for so long. He was relieved that she had finally talked to him but he felt an overwhelming burden at having caused her so much pain. He continued to gently rock her and soothingly rub her back until her crying ceased. .

Finally, after there were no more tears, Sully spoke softly into Michaela's ear. "Michaela, I'm sorry I never told you about that night. I never meant to hurt you. I thought by not telling you I would protect you from just this, but I see now how terribly wrong that was." Sully looked at Michaela's tear-stained face and tipping her chin slightly to look into her eyes he said, "Michaela, I promise never to make you feel that way again if you promise me something?"

Michaela gazed into Sully's eyes and whispered, "What's that?"

"Promise me that if you're upset or bothered by something, that you'll tell me. I can't read your mind, Michaela. If you don't tell me something's bothering you, I can't help you. And keeping it all inside only makes it worse. All right. Promise me?" Sully softly pleaded.

Nodding her head, Michaela whispered, "All right, I'll try."

"I guess we both made the mistake of trying to protect one another, and instead we only hurt each other more," Sully told her as he lovingly gazed into her eyes. "It seems we only make things worse when we don't talk to each other."

"You're right, I know," Michaela whispered as Sully leaned over and lightly grazed her lips with his. Michaela sat in silence for a few moments and then softly she spoke. "Sully, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the baby when I first found out. If I had told you right away maybe none of this would have happened..."

Sully quickly placed his finger to her lips to quiet her. "Sshhh, it's not your fault Michaela, if anyone's to blame it would be me. But let's not think about what might or might not have happened. We can't change the past so let's just go from here and together we can begin to heal, okay?"

Michaela nodded slightly and then slowly laid her head back on Sully's chest. It felt so good to hold him in her arms and to feel his warmth and strength against her. Sully pulled her closer to himself and wrapped his arms snugly around her, as his hands lovingly rubbed her back. Michaela noticed that his hands gradually moved lower and his touch became more sensual. She looked up into his eyes and saw his desire burning brightly.

"I love you Michaela," Sully whispered into her ear. "I need you so much, I want you so much," he crooned softly as his hands began to roam.

Michaela looked up at Sully and whispered somewhat embarrassed, "Sully, it's too soon."

Sully's hands stopped momentarily and then he lovingly answered, "That's all right. I can wait until you're ready," and then his hands continued their loving ministrations.

After several long minutes of silence Michaela quietly asked, "Sully, the night you left the house, after we fought, I saw you and Sheryl together."

Sully looked questioningly at Michaela, and somewhat confused, he asked, "What do you mean?"

"The night after we fought, I came to the clinic real early. When I went upstairs to check on Josh, I heard your voice coming from one of the recovery rooms. The door was partially opened and as I approached the doorway, I saw you sitting on the bed next to Sheryl." Michaela lowered her head and then whispered, "She was in her nightgown and then I heard her say 'thank you for last night' and then she asked you 'when are you going to tell Michaela'."

"I didn't see you, where did you go?" Sully asked softly as he turned his face towards hers.

"I felt so sick that I just ran down the stairs and out the back door. I was so afraid that after we had fought that you went to her instead," Michaela cried softly.

Suddenly remembering something that Andrew had told him he gently asked, "Is that when you told Andrew that I didn't want a baby and you weren't even sure if I wanted you anymore?"

Nodding her head, Michaela barely whispered, "Yes. I was so confused Sully, I didn't know what to think anymore."

Sully gazed into Michaela's eyes and lovingly whispered, "Oh, god, Michaela, don't you know by now that I could never love anyone else. From the moment I set eyes on you, there's never been, nor will there ever be, anyone else in my life but you." He gently placed his finger under her chin and leaning towards her, he kissed her deeply and enthusiastically. And then pulling slightly away he looked into her eyes once more and gently caressing her breast, he huskily whispered, "Are you sure it's too soon?"

Michaela placed her hand over his and gently pulled his hand away from her breast. "Sully, we can't, I'm not healed yet," she murmured as she quickly lowered her eyes.

Sully placed a kiss on the top of her head and answered teasingly, "Yeah, I know, just testing. I know we have to wait until Andrew says you're all healed, but it ain't gonna be easy."

"I'm sorry," Michaela whispered.

"Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about, Michaela. I can wait for you forever. What's another week or two, right?" Sully reassured her. Michaela smiled slightly at Sully just as a yawn escaped her lips. Sully looked at Michaela and saw how tired she now looked. "Right now I think someone could use a good night's rest, don't you?" Sully asked. "I'm glad we finally talked about all of this. It feels good to have everything out in the open. Is there anything else you want to talk about Michaela?"

Michaela hesitated slightly but then quickly responded. "No," she whispered softly. "Sully, it feels so good to finally talk about my feelings to you. I was beginning to wonder how much longer I could go on. Thank you for listening to me and for being so understanding."

"Anytime," Sully whispered lovingly into her ear. "I'm always here if you ever need to talk. And there's one other thing that I want to promise you."

"What's that?" Michaela questioned as she gazed deeply into his eyes.

"I want to tell you that there's no more dark secrets, Michaela. I promise," Sully told her.

"I love you," Michaela whispered as she stifled another yawn.

"I love you too," Sully answered before leaning in to kiss her softly. "But now it's late and I think it's time we got some sleep." As Michaela nodded her head, Sully gently slid Michaela down onto the bed. Climbing out of bed he pulled off his shirt and buckskins and then quickly joined her, pulling the covers up snugly around them. Turning onto his side, he reached for Michaela and pulled her snugly into his curve, her back resting against his chest. With his arms wrapped tightly around her, Sully suddenly yawned and whispered into her hair, "Sleep now, Michaela. I love you," before drifting off to sleep.

Michaela lay in Sully's arms, relishing the warmth and comfort she had so longed for. She felt his warm breath against her neck as his breathing became slow and even. She felt as if a great burden had been lifted from her heart and she was thankful that they had finally been able to talk about that night. But there was one thing that still worried her, something that she still had not been able to talk to Sully about.

She knew that Sully had wanted to make love to her tonight, and in all honesty, she was relieved that it was still too soon. Ever since her surgery she had felt different about herself. She had lost a part of herself, a vital part of her womanhood and she wondered if Sully wouldn't see her differently now. She didn't feel beautiful or sensual anymore and she wondered if she would still please him. She had experienced some of these same feelings after the birth of Katie, but then she knew they were only temporary. But now, a part of her was gone forever, and she wondered if it would ever be the same between them again. Michaela turned over to face Sully, and gently caressing his cheek she gazed into his eyes as she drifted off to sleep.

********************
The next two weeks flew by and Michaela continued to heal. Her appetite returned and soon she had regained most of her strength back, though she still tired easily. She still thought of their lost baby often, and occasionally she would still get sick. Sheryl and Josh came to the house each night for supper and Michaela no longer felt threatened by their presence. She now included herself in all of their games and conversation.

Sheryl and her had spent many hours talking and renewing their friendship. Sheryl had been very understanding of Michaela when one night she had tried to profusely apologize for the way she had acted. Sheryl had told her that she understood Michaela's reaction to her and had even told her that if their shoes had been reversed, she probably would have acted in the same way.

During this time Sully and Josh spent many hours together fishing or just talking. Josh loved to hear Sully's Indian stories and many nights everyone would sit around the fireplace and listen to Sully tell of the many adventures he had while living with the Indians. Even though Brian and Katie had heard the stories before, they were still mesmerized with his stories. Michaela had noticed that Josh seemed to tire easily these days. He would often keep it to himself, but it was evident that he was slowly becoming weaker and weaker.

Each afternoon Sully would stop whatever he was doing and return home to Michaela. He felt it was important for them to spend time alone together, without the interruptions of all of the children. So each afternoon Michaela would put Katie down for a nap and she and Sully would sit on the porch and talk or read a book together. Michaela had told Sully that he needn't come home each day, that he could stay in town with Josh. But Sully had insisted that after all that had happened, he strongly felt that they needed this time together.

On one such day they were sitting on the porch, Sully on the top step and Michaela on the step below, sitting between his knees. Michaela had seemed unusually tense today so Sully had unbuttoned the top few buttons on Michaela's blouse and had eased it off of her shoulders. He began to massage her neck and shoulders and Michaela finally began to relax under his ministrations. As she began to relax Sully leaned down and kissed her neck and then moved slowly to her shoulder. "When do you see Andrew again?" Sully asked as his fingers moved lightly down her back.

Michaela tensed slightly but quickly replied, "On Thursday."

Sully smiled and then leaning down to whisper in her ear, he said enticingly, "Only two more days to wait. God I've missed you, Michaela. These will be the longest two days of my life."

Michaela only nodded her head, glad that Sully couldn't see her face. She dreaded her visit to Andrew, because then she would have no more excuses to put Sully off. She couldn't refuse her husband, especially now, after he's been so patient and understanding.

Sully sensed the sudden change in Michaela and quietly asked, "Michaela, is everything all right, you seem awfully quiet?"

Straightening her shoulders, Michaela quickly answered, "Yes, I'm fine Sully, everything's fine. I'm just enjoying spending this time together with you." Michaela was relieved when suddenly they heard Katie calling for her ma. Standing up, Michaela said, "I'll get her, Sully," and then she hurried inside.

**********************
"Everything looks fine, Michaela. Your incision is completely healed and your heartbeat is strong. I think it would be all right to go back to work and to return to your normal, everyday activities. But," Andrew cautioned, "don't overdo it for the first week or so."

"Thank you, Andrew," Michaela said somewhat less than enthusiastically. And then pausing a moment, Michaela began, "Andrew, I was wondering, well after this type of surgery, do you think..."

Andrew looked closely at Michaela and then a thought struck him. "Ohh, Michaela, when I said you could return to normal activities...., well, I mean, yes, it's all right for you and Sully to, you know, be together," Andrew stammered as his face turned a dark red.

Michaela blushed slightly and then lowering her eyes, she replied, "That's not what.., oh, never mind." Michaela paused momentarily and then looking back at Andrew she said, "Thank you, Andrew, for everything. I'm feeling much better now." Why say anything to Andrew, she thought to herself, he's a man also, he wouldn't understand.

"Well, I'll let you get dressed now. If you need anything else, Michaela, just let me know," Andrew replied before leaving her to get dressed.

Michaela pulled the wagon to a stop in front of the clinic. She had just left Andrew's and was going to meet Sully at the clinic this morning. She knew he would be anxious to hear what Andrew had to say, or more precisely, if they could make love tonight. She didn't know what she was going to say to Sully. She just wasn't ready to take that step yet. She still had so many fears and reservations. She knew she should talk to Sully about this, but she just couldn't get the words to come out.

Sully was at the General Store when he looked outside and saw Michaela pull up in the wagon. "Loren, I'll come back for these supplies. Could you put them on our bill, please," Sully told him.

"Sure, thing, Sully," Loren replied as he started calculating Sully's purchases. Sully hurried out the door and hustled over to the clinic. Just as Michaela was beginning to climb down, Sully reached his hand up to help her.

Sully lifted Michaela down and swinging her around in his arms he gave her a quick kiss before setting her down on the porch. Taking her hand he quickly ushered her into the clinic, closing the door behind. With a huge grin on his face, he asked, "So? How did it go? What did Andrew say?"

Michaela quickly averted his eyes and then in a low voice she said, "He said I was healing nicely."

Sully lifted her head to look into her eyes and whispered hopefully, "And?"

Michaela knew what Sully was asking and lowering her eyes once again she muttered, "Uh, well," Michaela stammered.

"What, what did he say, Michaela?" Sully asked, worry lines creasing his forehead. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong, Sully. I'm still a little sore is all, and Andrew thought maybe we should wait a little longer," Michaela lied, lowering her head shamefully.

Thinking that Michaela was disappointed also, Sully gently cupped Michaela's chin and raised it slightly, looking into his eyes. "That's all right, Michaela. We've waited this long, another week won't be so bad." Michaela nodded her head, trying desperately to keep the tears from flowing. Sully noticed her eyes becoming moist and taking her hand, he said, "Hey, it's not your fault. We can wait. I don't want to do anything that could hurt you again, okay," Sully soothed.

Unable to speak, Michaela again nodded her head. "I gotta git back to the livery. Robert E needed my help today. Are you gonna be all right?" Sully asked.

"Yes, I'll be fine, Sully," Michaela answered softly. Sully reached for Michaela and pulled her into his arms. Leaning down he seized her lips and kissed her deeply. When he pulled away he was breathless, the hunger and desire evident in his eyes.

"I love you," Sully whispered into her ear. "You take it easy this morning, don't overdue it, all right?"

"I will," Michaela answered, her voice still a little shaky. "I'm just going to get reacquainted with some of these patient files and then I'll take Katie home. Will you be home early?"

"Yeah, I shouldn't be too late. After I finish up at Robert E's I'm gonna take Brian and Josh fishing, and then I'll bring everyone home," Sully answered.

"All right, I'll see you later then," Michaela replied as Sully gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and headed out the door.

Michaela was sitting at her desk with her patient files opened, staring into space. She was so deep in thought that she didn't hear the clinic door open. Hearing the door close shut, she was startled out of her reverie. "Dorothy!" Michaela exclaimed. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Mama," Katie squealed as she ran into Michaela's arms. Sully had dropped Katie off with Dorothy early that morning before going to see Robert E.

"And how's my sweet Katie? Mama missed you this morning," Michaela answered as she gave Katie a kiss.

"I help Dortee," Katie exclaimed as Michaela set her down on the floor.

"I hope you were a good girl for Miss Dorothy," Michaela replied.

"Yes, I good," Katie answered, "Mr. Bay gave me candy."

Michaela smiled down at her little girl and then looking back up at Dorothy she replied, "Thank you Dorothy for watching Katie this morning. Sully and I appreciated it."

"Oh, you're welcome, Michaela. I was glad to do it. So, what did Andrew say. Is everything all right? Did he say you could come back to work?" Dorothy quizzed.

"Yes, he said I could go back to work, but he cautioned me to take it easy at first," Michaela answered.

"Well, that's good advice if you ask me. You do as he says and take it nice and slow, okay?" Dorothy told her.

"I will," replied Michaela. And then pausing a moment she looked down at her hands and then spoke softly. "Dorothy, may I ask you something, something personal?"

"Of course," Dorothy replied.

"After your operation, I mean..., that is..., well..., did you feel any different?" Michaela stammered.

"I'm not sure what you mean?" Dorothy told her.

Michaela nervously wrung her hands and her eyes dashed about the room. "Did you feel any differently about yourself, you know, as a woman?" Michaela asked softly.

Dorothy looked closely at Michaela and immediately knew that something was bothering her friend. "What's this about Michaela, what's bothering you?" Dorothy asked.

"Well, ever since my operation Sully and I haven't been able to, you know, be together," Michaela murmured. Dorothy smiled slightly and nodded for Michaela to continue. "Sully's been very 'eager' the past week but we've had to wait until after I saw Andrew."

"And did Andrew say it was okay now?" Dorothy asked.

"Yes, he said I could resume my normal activities, and he made a point of telling me that Sully and I could resume our 'activities'," Michaela answered.

"Well, I'm sure you're both glad now that Andrew gave you a clean bill of health. Sully will definitely be 'eager' tonight," Dorothy responded with a knowing twinkle in her eye.

"Dorothy, I lied to Sully. I told him Andrew said I wasn't ready yet, that we should wait another week," Michaela blurted out, tears springing to her eyes.

Dorothy look at Michaela, surprised at her words, and saw the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Taking a step closer to her friend, she placed her hand on her arm and gently asked, "Michaela? What's wrong?"

Unable to stop the flow of tears, Michaela sank down into her chair. "I'm so afraid, Dorothy," Michaela weeped. "Ever since I had my operation, I don't feel like a woman anymore, not in that way. I don't feel beautiful or desirable. What if things are different between us now? What if I don't please him anymore?"

Dorothy kneeled down beside Michaela and took hold of her hand. "After my cancer operation I felt the same way. Even though I wasn't married, I didn't think a man could ever look at me or want me or love me again. I had lost part of my womanhood, and I felt as if everyone looked at me differently. But the truth was, Michaela, that no one treated me any differently, well, except maybe Jake," Dorothy added timidly. "What it boiled down to was how I saw myself."

"But I can't help feeling this way, Dorothy," Michaela cried. "I'm not the same woman Sully married anymore."

Grabbing hold of Michaela's shoulders, Dorothy sternly replied, "Now you listen to me Michaela. You're the same woman you've always been. Nothing's changed and you know Sully doesn't see you any differently. Sully wants to be with you because he loves you."

"I know he loves me, but what if it's different now. I don't want to be like other woman, like my mother. I don't want it to become just a 'duty', I couldn't bear that.," responded Michaela.

"Michaela, you're getting yourself all worked up over nothing. Have you talked to Sully about this?"

Michaela shamefully lowered her eyes to the floor. "No," she whispered. "We have been talking more since the operation and we've cleared the air about many things, but I just can't seem to tell him how I feel about this. I know I should, I even made him a promise to talk to him about my feelings more, but every time I try the words just won't come out. And now I feel even worse because I lied to him."

"Michaela, you have to talk to Sully about this or the problem will only get worse. You already learned that with Sheryl, remember? If you can talk to me about this then you can talk to Sully. He's your husband, he'll understand if you give him the chance," Dorothy gently admonished.

Michaela swiped at her tears and taking a deep breath she replied, "You're right, Dorothy. I have to talk to him. I'll do it tonight," she said with resolution. "And Dorothy, thank you," Michaela added with sincerity.

************************
As Sully entered the livery he couldn't help but feel somewhat disappointed. He had been eagerly awaiting the day when he could make love to his wife again and now it seems that they would have to wait a few days more. "It's only another week," he thought to himself. But right now a week seemed like an eternity.

But there was something else that was bothering him. He wondered now if Michaela was keeping something from him, if maybe Andrew had found something wrong and she wasn't telling him. As he walked up to the forge, Robert E looked up and greeted, "Hi, Sully."

"'Morning Robert E. Do you still need my help?" Sully asked.

"I sure do, I've been real busy all morning. Maybe you could start working on those bridle straps that Mr. Folgers wanted," Robert E stated.

"Sure, I'll get right on it," Sully replied somberly.

Robert E stopped the forge and turning to Sully, he asked, "Is something wrong, Sully?"

"Nah, not really. I just got some news that I was disappointed to hear," Sully replied in a low voice. Robert E looked at Sully curiously and waited for Sully to continue. "Michaela saw Andrew today and though she's doing well, he thought it might be best if we wait awhile longer before you know, we go back to snugglin'. I know it's only a week but now I'm wondering if maybe he told her something else, something she doesn't want me to know about."

Just then Andrew pulled up in the Hotel's scurry. Pulling to a stop in front of Robert E and Sully, Andrew said, "Robert E, Preston asked me to bring the scurry in for repairs. The left front wheel in wobbling, can you fix it?"

"Sure thing, Dr. Cook," Robert E replied. "I'll have it to you by this afternoon." And then turning to Sully, Robert E said, "Sully, why don't you go ahead and work on Preston's scurry before starting those bridle straps. Mr. Folgers said he wasn't in any big hurry."

Sully nodded his head to Robert E as Andrew climbed down. Taking the reigns, Sully headed to one of the stalls where he would keep Preston's horses while repairing the scurry. Andrew followed him into the barn and stopped short of entering the stall behind Sully. "I saw Michaela today. She's doing well," Andrew told him.

Sully turned around to face Andrew and with a worried expression on his face he asked, "Andrew, how is Michaela, really. Is she going to be all right?"

"Sully, like I told you, she's doing very well. I gave her a clean bill of health this morning. She's completely healed, and even though she still tires easily, I told her she could resume her normal activities," Andrew told him. "I did caution her, however, to take it easy for the first week or so." Seeing the puzzled look on Sully's face, Andrew added with a smirk, "I even told her it was all right for you two to be together again."

Sully looked at Andrew somewhat confused. "I don't understand, Andrew. When I saw Michaela today she said she was still sore and that you told her it would be a good idea for us to wait another week. Why would she lie to me?" Sully wondered. Turning away from Andrew, Sully closed the stall door behind him. "I'm gonna go talk to her right now," Sully stated determinedly.

"Sully, wait," Andrew called as Sully started to walk away. Sully stopped and turned around to face Andrew. "I've seen this before, after a woman has this type of surgery. I even told you about it shortly after her operation, remember? Sully, Michaela lost a part of her that she feels is vital to being a woman. Even though there is no sound medical reason, many women feel different about themselves. They may not feel attractive anymore or they may fear that their husbands will look at them differently. Maybe Michaela's afraid that you won't feel the same about her."

"That's absurd, Andrew. Michaela knows how much I love her. She knows it doesn't matter to me and she definitely knows how much I want to be with her. I've had to restrain myself the past two weeks because I knew she wasn't ready," Sully replied.

"That may be true, but that still doesn't mean she's not having those exact feelings. Maybe she's afraid that it will be different somehow and that you won't love her the same," replied Andrew.

"That's silly," Sully exclaimed. "If she feels that way she should have talked to me about it."

"Maybe that's exactly why she hasn't. Maybe she's afraid you would think she's foolish to feel that way," Andrew explained.

"I guess I never thought about that," Sully spoke softly. "Again, I never thought about her feelings, just my need. I know how hard it is for her to talk about those kinds of things."

"Just be patient with her Sully. Let her know you understand her feelings and reassure her that she's still desirable to you."

"I will, Andrew. Thanks, again," Sully replied as he extended his hand to shake. "I'll talk to her tonight."

*********************
Sully pulled up to the homestead with Sheryl, Brian and Josh in the wagon. After finishing up at the livery Sully had gone to the boarding house to take Brian and Josh fishing as he had promised. But when he got to the boarding house Josh wasn't feeling well so he brought them out to the homestead with him. Opening the front door, the four of them entered the house, Sully calling out to Michaela. When he received no answer, he turned to Sheryl and said, "She's probably upstairs with Katie. I'll go and get her. Please, make yourself at home."

Sully walked up the stairs and stopped outside of Katie's bedroom. Opening the door he walked in and saw Michaela sitting in the rocking chair with Katie asleep on her shoulder. As he approached the rocking chair he realized that Michaela was unaware of his presence. As he knelt down in front of her he noticed that she was crying. "Michaela?" Sully called softly.

Startled, Michaela quickly looked up, swiping at a tear rolling down her cheek. "Sully?" she spoke softly.

"Michaela, what's wrong?" Sully asked worriedly.

"It hurts, it hurts so much, Sully," Michaela weeped as she continued to rock her sleeping daughter.

Alarmed, Sully quickly asked, "What, what hurts, Michaela. Are you in pain?"

Shaking her head, she barely whispered, "The baby, I miss our baby, Sully. It still hurts so much."

Gently Sully lifted Katie from Michaela's arms and walking over to the bed, he laid her down and covered her with a blanket. He then walked back to where Michaela was sitting and reaching for her, he pulled her into his arms. Michaela willing laid her head on Sully's shoulder and let her tears fall, wetting his shirt. "I know it still hurts, Michaela. I still hurt too. But it's all right to be sad sometimes," Sully whispered soothingly.

Pulling back slightly, Michaela cried softly, "Sometimes it's all I can think about. And then I think about it so much that it makes me sick."

"Looking into Michaela's eyes, Sully gently asked, "Did you get sick again today?"

"Yes," Michaela whispered, quickly lowering her eyes.

Sully took Michaela's hand and held it tightly in his, and with his other hand he gently lifted her chin to look him in the eye. "Michaela you gotta quit getting sick," Sully gently admonished. "I know you miss the baby, and I know it's hard to accept that we'll never have anymore, but we've still got each other, right? And Brian and Katie need you as well."

"Yes, I know you're right," Michaela sniffled as she wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry, Sully. You have enough on your mind without worrying about me."

Placing a light kiss on her forehead, Sully replied, "Maybe it's a good thing you'll be going back to work now. It'll keep your mind off of the baby." Michaela nodded her head and then Sully looked into her eyes and said, "I'm always here if you wanna talk Michaela. You know there's nothing you can't talk to me about."

Michaela flashed Sully a slight smile and reaching up to touch his cheek, she said, "Yes, I know. Thank you, Sully."

"You're welcome," he answered lovingly before leaning in to kiss her lips. Michaela looked up into Sully's deep blue eyes and meeting his gaze, she decided that now was the time to talk to him.

"Sully," she spoke with hesitancy.

Just then Brian burst into the room, out of breath. "Ma, Pa, Josh is sick. You gotta come quick."

Quickly drying her eyes, Michaela took Sully's hand as he helped her out of the rocking chair. "I'll get my bag," Michaela told them as they rushed out of the room.

Once downstairs they found Josh leaning over the latrine with Sheryl kneeling beside him. "He felt real dizzy and sick all of a sudden," Sheryl told them as Sully stood behind her and Michaela knelt on the other side of Josh. A few minutes later Josh leaned back against his mother, looking tired and pale.

"Sully, why don't you carry Josh upstairs to Colleen's room," Michaela told him. And then turning to Sheryl, she said, "It might be best if you stayed here for the night so I can monitor him. You can stay in Colleen's room with him if you'd like."

"Thank you, Dr. Mike. I appreciate that," Sheryl responded.

Later than evening after Josh had finally fallen asleep and Brian had gone off to bed, Sully, Michaela and Sheryl sat in front of the fire. They were all unusually quiet and subdued. Everyone knew that Josh was becoming weaker by the day and he now tired easily, even after the slightest amount of exertion. He had even stopped going to school because it tired him out so much. Sheryl sat in one of the wingback chairs, staring into the flickering flames. "Sheryl, are you all right?" Michaela quietly asked into the silence.

Quickly turning her head to face Michaela, she replied, "Yes, I'm fine."

Speaking softly, Michaela said, "Sheryl, I wish there was something more I could do for him. I feel so helpless not being able to help him."

"Dr. Mike, you've done all you can, I know that. I know he's getting weaker and weaker and I just hate seeing him so sick all of the time," Sheryl replied. After a few more minutes of silence, Sheryl spoke again, "Sully, Dr. Mike, there is something that I need to talk to you about."

Sully and Michaela both looked at Sheryl, noting her reluctancy to continue. "Sheryl, you can talk to me and Michaela about anything," Sully told her.

"Well," Sheryl started, "Josh and I have been talking about this for a few weeks now, but he was afraid of hurting your feelings." She paused a moment, wringing her hands in her lap. "Josh knows that he's getting sicker and he knows his time here is short, and, well, he wants to go home to die. He wants to be buried next to his pa."

A gloomy silence hung over the room. Michaela quietly reached for Sully's hand and squeezed it tightly. He swallowed over the lump in his throat and looking at Michaela, she saw the moisture in his eyes, but she was the one to speak next. "Sheryl, we understand, and if that's what Josh wants, then that's what we want also," Michaela said, speaking from her heart. "We want whatever will make Josh happy."

Both women looked at Sully, waiting for him to speak. "Sully?" Sheryl asked softly, "are you okay with that?"

Sully looked over at Sheryl and in a low voice he said, "I don't know what to say. I guess I just wasn't expecting that. But if that's what Josh wants, then yes, I'm okay with it."

"Sully, Josh was thrilled to find out that you were his real pa, and this past month has been one of the happiest times in his life. But Ben is the only pa that Josh really knows and he's homesick for his family and friends. I hope you can understand that?" Sheryl beseeched.

"Sheryl, I do understand. I've only known Josh a little over a month, but Ben was his real pa. He's the one who raised him and he should be buried next to him. And even though we'll miss him terribly, he should go back and say good-bye to his friends."

"Thank you both for being so understanding," responded Sheryl.

"So, when will you be leaving?" Sully asked.

"We'll be leaving sometime next week," Sheryl answered, and then looking at Michaela and Sully, she continued. "Dr. Mike, Sully, I want to thank you both for everything you've done. I can't even begin to tell you how much it's meant to both Josh and to me to feel so welcome in your home and to be taken in as part of your family. It's meant the world to both of us and Josh couldn't have found a better pa or step-mother."

"I'm afraid I haven't been a very good friend to you or Josh this past month," Michaela shamefully replied.

"No, that's not true, Dr. Mike. You've been through a terrible ordeal yourself and you shouldn't blame yourself for the way you were feeling. After all, it was our presence here that caused you some of your heartache. My only regret is that our presence here may have caused dissension between you and Sully."

"That's all in the past now," Sully spoke up as he looked from Michaela to Sheryl. "Let's not dwell on the past anymore. We're all here together now and I just want to make these last few days here pleasant ones for Josh."

Placing her hand on Sully's knee, Michaela replied, "You're absolutely right, Sully. We're all good friends now and I think Josh would like it very much if we all spent as much time together as possible. How about we go on a picnic tomorrow?"

Sully looked up at Michaela, surprised by her suggestion. "It's a school day tomorrow, and I thought you were going to go to the clinic?"

"The clinic can wait another day, and I don't think it will hurt if Brian misses a day of school. I'll explain to Miss Teresa and I'm sure she'll let him make up his work. So how about it? A picnic at the Red Rocks?" Michaela asserted.

Sully smiled at Michaela and then shrugging his shoulders, he said, "A picnic it is then. But do you think Josh will be up to it?"

"I think after a good nights rest he'll be all right. We'll watch him closely to make sure he doesn't over exert himself. How does that sound to you, Sheryl?" Michaela asked.

Sheryl looked at Sully and Michaela, sitting together, his hand over hers. "I think that's a wonderful idea. I'm sure Josh will love the idea. Thank you, thank you both so much, for everything But now I think I'll head upstairs. I'm a little tired myself."

"Goodnight, Sheryl," Michaela called as she ascended the stairs. "Goodnight," Sully called to her also.

After locking the doors and extinguishing the lamps Sully made his way upstairs to their bedroom. When he entered the room, Michaela was already in bed. He pulled off his boots and slipped out of his shirt and buckskins and then quietly slid into bed, instinctively reaching for Michaela. Holding Michaela in his arms he stared blankly into the darkness.

"Sully," he heard Michaela call.

"Mmmm" he answered.

She noticed that Sully had been unusually quiet all evening and she knew she needed to talk to him, but she didn't want to add to his burdens tonight. "Are you all right?" she whispered.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

Michaela turned over to face Sully and whispering softly, she gently caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry, I know this is hard for you."

Shifting her in his arms, he answered, "No, that's not it. I'll miss Josh when he leaves, but I understand why he wants to go. I'm just glad I had the opportunity to be his pa, even if it was for just a short time. As afraid as I was to tell you all of these years, I'm glad that Sheryl and Josh came here. And I'm so glad that you're okay now," Sully added.

Michaela swallowed hard over the lump in her throat, feeling the guilt and shame for having lied to him earlier that day. Sully felt her body tremble slightly and looking down onto her face, he noticed her eyes beginning to swell with tears. "Michaela?" Sully whispered.

Michaela looked up at Sully and choking back the tears she quietly answered. "Sully, there's something I need to tell you."

"Yes," he encouraged, "what is it?"

Lowering her eyes to the quilt, she spoke softly. "I lied to you today." Without saying a word, Sully waited patiently for her to continue. "Today, when you asked me about my appointment with Andrew, I lied to you when I told you Andrew said we should wait another week. He didn't tell me that, Sully. Andrew gave me a clean bill of health." Michaela kept her eyes lowered as she traced the outline of the double wedding-ring quilt.

Sully gently lifted her chin to look into his eyes. "I know," Sully whispered.

"You know?" Michaela asked astonishingly.

"Yeah, I saw Andrew at the livery today and he told me. I guess that's why I've been so quiet this evening. I was trying to figure out a way to bring it up but I didn't want to upset you." Sully wiped the tear away that was silently running down Michaela's cheek. With a gentle voice, Sully asked, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Through her tears Michaela whispered, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I've felt so guilty all day but I didn't know what else to say to you when you asked me. I was afraid to tell you the real reason, that I'm afraid of being with you again."

"Are you afraid that it will hurt, because we'll take it real slow and easy if that's it?" Sully told her.

"No, that's not it," Michaela confessed. Sully felt her hesitancy again and taking her hand in his, he squeezed it tightly. "You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything, Michaela. I'll understand, or at least I'll try to," Sully promised.

"It's just, well, ever since my operation I've felt different," Michaela responded.

"Different, how?" Sully asked, her hand still held tightly in his.

"I don't feel like a woman anymore, not in the way you want me to. I don't feel desirable or beautiful to you. I somehow feel empty inside, like that part of me is gone, and it frightens me. What if everything's changed between us?" Michaela stuttered, her tears flowing freely now.

Sully reached for Michaela and pulled her into his embrace. "Oh Michaela, you haven't changed and there's nothing different about you. You're still the same, beautiful and very desirable woman that you were before. And nothing's changed between us. I still love you and want you as much as I did the day we were married," he said reassuringly. He reached down and kissed her lips lightly.

Michaela reached up and lightly caressed his cheek. Her voice quivering slightly, she whispered, "I'm afraid that I won't please you anymore, and I couldn't bear that."

"Oh God, Michaela, there's no way that you wouldn't please me. You please me just laying here in my arms. Don't you know how much I love you, how much I want to be with you, how much I need to be with you," Sully told her, his voice becoming suddenly low and husky.

Michaela blushed slightly and noticing the desire in his voice she lowered her eyes once more and softly whispered, "But you're a man, Sully, you always have that need."

"Michaela, look at me," Sully whispered as she slowly lifted her eyes to meet Sully's. "My need has nothing to do with just being a man. But it has everything to do with wanting to be with my wife, the woman I love, the woman I cherish. I want to be with you again, to feel you next to me, to be one again."

"But what if it's not the same anymore, what if you don't feel the same way about me afterwards. Maybe the operation has changed me, maybe it has made me different," Michaela stammered, feeling the anxiety arise within her.

Sully placed his finger to her lips and said, "Sshhh, it's all right Michaela. Andrew told me how some women feel this way after the type of surgery you had. And even though there is no sound medical reason for you to feel this way, your feelings are real Michaela, and they're important to me. So if you're not ready yet, we'll wait. I don't want us to do anything that will hurt you or cause you any more pain."

"Thank you, Sully, for being so understanding and patient with me. I miss you holding me also, and I miss the closeness, the oneness that we shared, but I'm so afraid that I'll be a disappointment to you."

"Oh, Michaela, you could never be a disappointment to me, and you don't have to be afraid. I'll be here with you, every step of the way, all right?" Sully replied lovingly. After a moments pause he hesitantly asked, "Are you afraid that I'll be disappointed or that you'll be disappointed?"

Michaela felt her face blush and she quickly averted his eyes. She couldn't believe how easily Sully could read her inner thoughts sometimes. "Before we were married, I never imagined that being with you could be so wonderful, so thrilling, and I'm terrified that it won't be like that anymore, and I don't think I could bear that, we've already been through so much," Michaela whispered shyly.

Sully squeezed Michaela's arm slightly and then smiling he said, "Ah, Michaela, you don't have to be embarrassed around me. As much as you want to please me, I want to please you also. That's the way it should be."

"I'm so afraid that we won't enjoy being together anymore and that it will just become a 'duty', something that is expected of me. I don't want to become like my mother," Michaela cried softly.

Leaning over to kiss her once again, Sully replied, "I understand how you feel, Michaela. But aren't you the one who's always said you gotta face your fears."

"Yes, I suppose I did say that, but it doesn't make it any easier," she said as she flashed him a crooked grin.

"No matter what, Michaela, I want you to know how much I love you. I'll always love you and nothing will ever change that," Sully reassured her, seizing her mouth with his. After breaking apart, he whispered huskily, "I want to love you, to be with you."

"I want that too, Sully, more than you can imagine," Michaela whispered softly.

"Michaela, I can wait until you're ready to be with me again, and when you are, we'll go real slow, just like our wedding night. I want it to be special for you too. I love you so much," Sully told her.

Just then Michaela threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. "Where you going?" Sully questioned, a puzzled look on his face.

Walking over to the mantle, Michaela blew out the lamp on the far side of the mantle and turning to him, she whispered, "It's getting darker..." She then walked slowly to the other side and blowing out that lamp, she whispered again, "and darker." Walking over to the bed she smiled softly at him and reaching for the lamp on the night table, she whispered in an even lower voice, "and darker."

As Michaela approached the bed Sully quickly stood up and pulled her into his embrace. He suddenly seized her lips with his and kissed her deeply, passionately. "Are you sure?" he whispered eagerly. In response, Michaela put her hand on the back of Sully's head and pulled it down to meet her lips once again, initiating a long and probing kiss. Breathless, Sully pulled back slightly and then reaching down to the hem of her nightgown, he slowly lifted it over Michaela's head, throwing it on the floor.

Sully picked Michaela up and gently placed her in the center of the bed, laying down next to her side. She turned so that her body was facing his and she immediately became aware of his response to her. He felt her quiver lightly, and reaching down he pulled the blanket up around them, his hands lightly caressing her body as he did so.

Michaela gasped as his fingers tantalized her senses. Suddenly all of her fears were gone as their passion began to build like a consuming fire. As Sully had promised, they took it slow and easy. They savored every touch, every kiss as they rediscovered each other as if for the first time. As their lovemaking reached the pinnacles of delight, Michaela silently thanked God for giving her such a loving and understanding husband.

Sully held Michaela tightly in his arms, their breathing still rapid, their quivering bodies slowly becoming still. Sully smiled broadly at Michaela, lovingly gazing into her green and brown eyes. "I love you," he whispered as he pushed a strand of hair away from her face.

Still trying to catch her breath, she gazed back into his eyes and whispered, "I love you too. Thank you Sully. That was wonderful," she responded shyly.

Sully lifted her chin and placed a light kiss on it, then looking into her eyes he softly replied, "Thank 'you'. That was even better than our wedding night."

Blinking her eyes bashfully, she responded with a smile, "It was, wasn't it."

Sully raised himself up on one elbow and looked deeply into her eyes. "So? Did I please you?" Sully asked teasingly, his hand still caressing her thigh as he watched the rapid rise and fall of her chest begin to slow.

"Sully!" Michaela chided softly, her face flushed.

"Well, did I?" he asked again, his smile broadening.

"You've always pleased me, Sully," she answered as her blush deepened to a crimson red.

Sully took hold of her hand and bringing it to his lips, he kissed it lightly. Looking into her eyes, he stated somewhat somberly, "Not always, Michaela. Not the last time we made love. Remember, right before you lost the baby?"

Michaela quickly lowered her eyes to the bed, remembering all too well that night. So Sully had noticed, she thought to herself. "Yes, I remember. Afterwards I cried myself to sleep. It just wasn't the same that night but I told myself that I had to be there for you..." her voice trailing off as she added, "in any way I could."

"Michaela, I thank you for caring for me so deeply and wantin' to please me, but if there's ever a time when it's not right for you, I want ya to tell me, please. It doesn't mean anything to me if you're not happy also. Can't you believe that?" Sully implored.

Michaela leaned over to initiate another kiss, running her fingers through his hair. "Yes, I do," Michaela replied softly. "Sometimes I have a hard time un-learning all that my mother taught me. She used to tell me that it didn't matter what the woman felt, only if the man was pleased. I'm glad that's not the way it is, not with us anyways," she said shyly.

Smiling broadly, Sully's eyes twinkled as he gazed into her eyes. "Me too. I'm glad we had this little talk. I've missed you so much," Sully lovingly told her.

"I don't even know what I was afraid of. It seems so foolish now," Michaela said sheepishly.

"What you think or feel is never silly to me, Michaela. I want to know if you're worried or bothered by something, no matter how foolish you may think it is, that you can talk to me about it. I won't laugh, I promise," Sully replied. And then looking down at Michaela, he noticed her stifling a yawn. "But now, I think it's time we both got some sleep. You still need plenty of rest."

Michaela placed her hand over her mouth as she yawned again. "Yes, I think you're right. I forget sometimes how easily I still tire. I wish that didn't happen. I hate being tired all of the time."

"Like Andrew said, Michaela, it just takes time for you to gain all of your strength back. I know you get frustrated sometimes, but you still gotta take it easy, all right. And you gotta start eatin more. You're way too thin." Sully gently scolded.

"Sully, I'm not too thin," Michaela retorted, "and I am eating more now. I ate a whole plate of your stew tonight, remember?"

"And what did you have the rest of the day, huh Michaela?" he reverberated.

Michaela quickly lowered her eyes, knowing all too well that what Sully said was true. Her appetite had improved somewhat but food still often seemed unappealing to her and she would often have to force herself to eat. "You're right, I know," Michaela responded softly, "I just don't feel very hungry anymore. But I'll try to do better, for you Sully."

"That's my girl," Sully whispered as he placed a tiny kiss on the end of her nose. "Now let's get some sleep, okay?" Michaela snuggled in closer to Sully, laying her head on his chest and soon her eyes became heavy with sleep. As she slowly ran her hand over Sully's chest she drifted off to a peaceful sleep. Sully watched her for a few minutes longer before he too succumbed to sleep.

************************
They stood at the train station watching as the 9:00 train pulled in. Their bags sat at the end of the platform waiting to be loaded onto the train. "All aboard," the conductor called.

"Well, I guess it's time for you to be going," Sully said to Josh as he knelt down beside him. "I'll miss you," he said.

"I'll miss you to Sully, and everyone else," Josh replied in a low voice. He was trying to hold back his tears, wanting to act like an adult, but when he saw the tears in Sully's eyes also, his tears flowed freely.

"Josh, I want you to know how proud I was when I found out that you were my son. And I'm honored that you let me be your pa for this short time. I love you Josh, don't you ever forget that, all right?" Sully told him through his tears.

"I won't," Josh weeped silently. And then looking up into Sully's blue eyes, his own blue eyes wet with tears, he pleaded, "Sully, you won't forget me when I'm gone, will you?"

"Never!" Sully stated emphatically. "I'll remember you the rest of my days, and I'll remember your mother also." They both glanced towards Sheryl who was busily saying good-bye to Michaela, and together they shared a smile.

"Sheryl, if there's ever anything you need, please, write to us, let us know," Michaela said sincerely. "I'm glad we had this chance to know each other. And this doesn't have to be good-bye. You're always be welcomed here."

"Thank you, Michaela. That means allot to me. Sully's a very lucky man," Sheryl stated as she glanced over at Josh and Sully.

"I'm the lucky one," Michaela replied as she lovingly gazed at her husband saying his good-byes to Josh.

Noticing Michaela's gaze, Sheryl smiled. "I think you're both the lucky ones. You compliment each other so well," Sheryl said smiling. "I've watched the two of you over the past few months and I honestly can say that I've never met two people so much in love and who care for each other so deeply than the two of you."

Michaela blushed slightly and then in a low voice she said, "We've certainly had our tough times, that's for sure, but we always seem to get through them together, and stronger than before. I hope that someday you'll find someone as special as Sully, someone that will make you as happy as I am."

"Someday, maybe," Sheryl replied wistfully. "But right now Josh is all that matters. I want to make his last days happy ones for him. And I can't begin to thank you both enough for what you've given him. These past few months have meant the world to him and to me."

"Good-bye Sheryl," Michaela said as she gave her a hug.

Sheryl hugged her back tightly and then pulling away, she said, "Good-bye, Michaela. Take care of your beautiful family. I'll miss them all." And then reaching down, she lifted Katie up into her arms. "Bye-bye sweetheart. You take real good care of your ma and pa for me, all right," Sheryl whispered as she kissed her cheek and gave her a tight squeeze before setting her back down.

Michaela took hold of Katie's hand and led her over to where Josh was standing. Brian was also saying his good-byes to Josh, trying hard to hide his tears. As Michaela approached, Brian swiftly wiped at his tears before cheerfully taking Katie's hand. "Say good-bye to Josh, Katie," Brian told her.

"Bye-bye, Jos," Katie said as she waved her hand rapidly.

Josh smiled at his new sister and leaning down, he gave her a kiss and then turned to face Dr. Mike. "Dr. Mike, thank you for taking care of me when I was sick," Josh told her. And then looking down at his feet, he said sheepishly. "I know me and ma coming here was a surprise to you and Sully, and I'm sorry if it caused you to be sick."

"Oh, Josh, honey, you didn't cause me to be sick. And though I was upset at first it was never about you being here. I was never mad about that. I'm glad you came here and I'm glad that you and Sully got to know each other." Michaela leaned over and gave Josh a hug, and then straightening up, she said, "You take care of yourself, you here. I've given your mother some medicine to help you during your train ride home. And you get plenty of rest and don't tire yourself out."

"I won't, thanks Dr. Mike," Josh replied as he turned to say good-bye to Brian one last time. "I'll miss having a big brother," Josh whispered to Brian.

"And I'll miss having a little brother," Brian returned. "Take care, Josh. We love you."

"Sully, thank you for so much," Sheryl told him as he stood next to her, watching the others say their good-byes. "You'll never know how grateful I am to you for being there for Josh these past few months."

"I'm the one who's grateful," Sully returned with a smile. "You gave me the chance to know my son and I'll always be thankful for that."

"He feels the same way about you Sully, about all of you. These past few months couldn't have been better ones for him. He's fulfilled his last dream of finding you and now he can finally be at peace," Sheryl replied sadly.

"You'll keep us informed of how he's doing?" Sully asked hopefully.

"You know I will," Sheryl answered.

"If either of you need anything, anything at all, you just wire. I can be on the next train," Sully told her.

"Thank you Sully, but you've already done enough. Josh and I will be fine. We have plenty of family and friends that will help out if needed. Don't you worry about us. You just take care of the family you got here, especially Michaela. You make sure she doesn't overwork herself."

"That's one promise I'll gladly make," Sully replied with a grin. Just then they were interrupted by the loud call of the conductor, announcing the last call for the waiting train.

"Well, we better be getting on board," Sheryl said as she walked over to Josh. Putting her arm around Josh, Sheryl turned and said, "Good-bye everyone, take care." As they began to climb the stairs, Josh turned slightly and paused.

Looking at everyone, he waved and shouted good-bye and then turning to look at Sully, two pair of deep-blue eyes mirroring each other, he whispered, "I love you, pa."

As the train pulled out of the station, Brian took hold of Katie's hand and helped her wave as Sully stood with his arm tightly around Michaela, his tears falling unchecked. As they watched the last remnants of the steam rising in the distance and they heard the faint whistle one last time, Michaela turned to Sully and whispered, "Are you all right?"

Quickly wiping away his tears, he replied softly, "Yeah, I'm all right, I'll miss them."

Michaela looked up into Sully's eyes and answered, "We'll all miss them."

Sully looked into Michaela's eyes and leaning down to kiss her sweetly, he said, "Let's go home."

Just then Brian interrupted them as Katie anxiously tugged at Michaela's skirt. "Ma, would you mind if I took Katie with me to Mr. Bray's. I promised her some of Mr. Bray's new candy and then I told her I'd take her to the swing in the meadow. I can have Matthew bring us home after lunch, if that's all right with you and pa."

Sully smiled at Brian and answered, "Sure, that's fine, Brian, just make sure you watch her real close."

"I will, pa, thanks. Come on Katie, let's go see Mr. Bray," Brian said cheerfully as he took hold of Katie's little hand.

"Mr. Bay, candy," Katie giggled as she willingly followed Brian to the General Store.

"Well, looks like it's just me and you, Michaela. What would you like to do, anything you want, you just say. Just don't say you gotta go to the clinic, please" he said pleadingly.

Michaela looked up into Sully's blue eyes and softly caressing his cheek, she whispered provocatively, "Let's go home."

Sully's smile widened and his eyes twinkled merrily. "That sounds like a perfect idea," he responded as he reached down and seized her mouth hungrily.

With her face flushed, Michaela pulled away breathless and softly exclaimed, "Sully! people will see us."

"Then let them see," Sully proudly exclaimed. "Everyone will know how much I love my wife," and then leaning down to whisper into her ear, he said, "and what I'm going to do with her," as he scooped her up into his arms and lifted her into the wagon.

"You're incorrigible," Michaela laughed as her face turned a crimson red. Sully climbed into the wagon beside her and snapping the reigns, the horses started into a trot.

Once out of town Sully laid his hand on her knee and began to sensually stroke her leg, slowly moving up to her thigh. "I love you," he whispered as he gazed at her longingly.

She gazed back at him, the desire burning in her own eyes, her senses now fully aroused, and hooking her arm around his, her voice soft and voluptuous, she whispered, "I love you too. Now let's go home,... and hurry." And with that Sully gave the reigns a hard snap.

The End
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