Burden of Guilt - part 5

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Sully stayed close behind her as she made her way to the grave. As Michaela knelt down Sully stood quietly behind her with his hands resting lightly on her shoulders. After several moments of silence Sully moved around to the side of Michaela and knelt down beside her. After sliding his backpack and equipment from his shoulders, he reached over and removed Michaela’s equipment from her. He then reached inside his backpack and pulled out the plaque that he had made. After rubbing his sleeve over the top of it he handed it to Michaela.

Michaela reached out and took the plaque from Sully and lightly ran her fingers over the carving. "Sam Lindsey - '1873' - A Woman of Courage, Strength, and Wisdom". Michaela raised her head slightly and looking at Sully she whispered, her voice cracking, "It's lovely Sully. I know Sam would be honored." Sully swiped at a tear that was falling down Michaela's cheek and looking into her eyes he softly asked, "Would you like some time alone?" .

Michaela nodded slightly and then raising her tear-filled eyes, she softly asked, "Do you mind?" Shaking his head Sully gently placed his hands on her shoulders and said, "I'll be close by if ya need me." Standing up, Sully picked up their equipment and as he walked by the tiny grave he set it down and then glancing over his shoulder, he walked off into the woods, leaving Michaela alone.

Michaela sat in silence for several minutes as she stared at the mound of rocks. Finally placing the plaque on top of the rocks she slowly leaned back on her heels and whispered, "I miss you Sam." Michaela lightly ran her hand over the plaque and then softly she continued. "Sully and I are married now and we have a little girl; her name’s Katie. We had two other children also, but they’re with you now Sam." Michaela glanced over her shoulder at the tiny mound of rocks behind her and with tears streaming down her cheeks she choked, "Watch over them for me, will you?"

After several more moments of silence Michaela reached up and swiped at her tears. Taking a deep breath she continued softly, "Sam, Mother’s with you now too. I don’t know where things went so wrong between us but it seems as if we could never break down those walls. She was always so disapproving of everything I did. Why couldn’t she just accept me for who I am. Why couldn’t she be like you?"

Michaela began to tremble slightly as she tried to keep her emotions in check. "It seems as if all we ever did was hurt each other, and now it hurts even more," Michaela cried softly. "I feel so ashamed, so guilty. I should never have let her leave when she was so angry with me. I should have stopped her from getting on that train, but I just let her go. Maybe if she hadn’t left so angry she’d still be alive today. I never even told her I loved her, Sam. And now she died thinking that I hated her. How am I supposed to live with that?" she sobbed.

Just then Michaela felt Sully’s gentle touch on her shoulder. Turning slightly around Michaela saw Sully kneeling behind her and looking up into Sully’s eyes she finally gave in to her emotions and flung herself into his arms. "Sullyl," Michaela cried softly as she buried her head into his shoulder.

Pulling Michaela down onto his lap he wrapped his arms tightly around her and rubbing her back he whispered into her ear, "Sshhh, it’s alright Michaela, I’m here."

"Mother’s gone, and I never told her that I loved her," Michaela sobbed, "she died hating me."

"No she didn’t," Sully spoke softly as he continued to stroke her hair, "she didn’t hate you. She loved you Michaela."

"No she didn’t," Michaela choked. "She hated me. She thought I was a terrible person. We said so many mean things to each other and now I can’t tell her how sorry I am. Now she’ll never know that I loved her."

"She knows Michaela, she knows that you loved her," Sully consoled, "you gotta believe that."

Michaela pulled back slightly from Sully and looking into his eyes, Michaela cried in a whisper, "I miss her Sully." And then suddenly as if a damn had burst Michaela’s uncontrollable sobs began to shake her body as she finally allowed herself to grieve for her mother.

"Let it out, Michaela, let it all out," Sully whispered soothingly as he gently rocked her back and forth. "I’m right here, I love you." Leaning down he gently kissed the top of her head as he continued to hold her while she cried.

It was sometime later that Michaela finally ceased crying but she continued to cling tightly to Sully. Sully continued to hold her as she slowly began to relax and finally exhausted she collapsed in his arms. With his arms clasped tightly around her he whispered soothing words of love into her ear. He desperately wanted to ask her about her mother but he held his tongue. He didn’t want to do or say anything that would cause her to pull away from him right now. Instead he whispered how much he loved her and over and over he assured her of her mother’s love.

Michaela took several deep breaths as she tried to compose herself. She felt Sully’s arms around her loosen and sighing heavily she pulled back slightly to look up into Sully’s face. Clasping Sully’s hand tightly in hers, she looked into his eyes and whispered, "She was so angry with me Sully."

Sully lifted her hand to his mouth and kissing it he looked into her swollen eyes and in a mere whisper he asked hesitantly, "Why did your mother leave?" Sully held his breath as he waited for Michaela to pull away from him. But instead she clasped his hand tighter and turning slightly so that she was facing him, she took a deep breath and began.

"She left because I told her she wasn’t welcome in my home," Michaela lowered her head to the ground, ashamed to look Sully in the eye.

"Michaela?" Sully asked softly, his voice relaying his shock and concern. Placing his finger gently under her chin he raised her head and looking into her tortured eyes he waited for her to continue.

Michaela released Sully’s hand and placing hers in her lap she once again lowered her eyes and began to nervously play with her wedding band. Sully could tell by the expression on her face that she was hesitating and on the verge of pulling away. Reaching over he placed his hands over hers to still them and waited patiently until she raised her eyes. "Michaela, what is it, tell me, please," he gently pleaded, "don’t shut me out."

Michaela slowly raised her eyes to meet his and when she looked into his eyes, warm and full of understanding, she found the courage to go on. "Mother came here to take me and the children home," Michaela began but when she saw the puzzled look on Sully’s face, she added, "back to Boston." Sully nodded his head but remained quiet. "She wanted to take me and the children back to Boston to live. She seemed to think that I was unhappy here with you and that I didn’t belong here in Colorado Springs."

"I tried to tell her that I was completely happy here, but she wouldn’t listen. She just kept going on and on about how I didn’t belong in Colorado Springs or with you and how you were always going off somewhere," Michaela cried as she fought once again to choke back her tears.

Sully reached up and wiped the tear that had trickled down Michaela’s cheek. "What else did she say about me?" Sully gently asked.

"She said that you only came home to..to…" Michaela hesitated a moment but then looking into Sully’s eyes he encouraged her to continue. "She said that the only reason you came home was to satisfy your needs," Michaela blurted out.

"And what did you say to that?" Sully asked, but he couldn’t conceal the slight grin on his face.

"Things only got worse from there," Michaela replied dryly. "I told her that I love to satisfy your needs and that you do the same for me," Michaela flashed Sully a slight smile, "and then of course she went off on how she didn’t raise me to talk like that."

"I gotta say Michaela, I’m surprised you did talk to your mother in that way. That ain’t like you," Sully spoke truthfully.

"I know, and you’re right, it’s not like me but she made me so angry Sully that I couldn’t help myself. And then things just got out of control and we both said some things that we shouldn’t have. She demanded that I come back to Boston with her," Michaela’s voice cracked as her tears once again fell unbidden down her cheeks, "and when she wouldn’t listen to me I told her if she couldn’t accept my life here with you then she wasn’t welcome in our home."

Sully reached up and brushed back a lock of hair that was clinging to Michaela’s wet cheek. "Michaela," Sully leaned over and kissed her cheek, "why did your mother want you to go back to Boston now, after all this time. I mean we’ve been married for over four years. Why now, did something happen?" Sully asked, his eyes searching hers.

Suddenly Michaela lowered her eyes to the ground but Sully quickly but gently lifted her chin to look into his eyes. "What?" Sully asked softly as he held her gaze, "tell me, Michaela."

"She came because…," averting Sully’s gaze she hesitated. "Because?" Sully gently encouraged. "Because…." Michaela looked into Sully’s pleading eyes and she knew in her heart that she should tell Sully everything. About David returning to Boston, about that night so long ago. But the words just wouldn’t come out.

Sully noticed Michaela’s hesitation again and he could tell by her eyes that she was struggling over whether to tell him or not. "Michaela, you know you can tell me anything," Sully’s pleading eyes were locked with hers.

"Because…," Michaela hesitated just an instant and then quickly said, "mother still blames me for Marjorie’s death."

"What do you mean?" Sully asked.

"When mother came here she started talking about Marjorie and how she would still be alive if she hadn’t followed me out here. She still blames me Sully," Michaela’s voice was shaky as her eyes once again welled up with tears. "Maybe she was right," Michaela whispered dejectedly, "maybe she would still be alive if I hadn’t performed that procedure. Maybe it was my fault," her voice trailed to a bare whisper.

"Michaela, look at me," Sully’s voice was soft but firm as he waited for her to meet his eyes. "It was not your fault, you gotta believe that. You’re a good doctor but you can’t save everyone. Some things just happen and we gotta accept that, all right?" Michaela nodded her head but she was unable to speak. "Your ma knows it wasn’t your fault, she just wasn’t acting herself. Maybe Marjorie’s death affected her more than what we thought," Sully explained and then a sudden thought occurred to him. "Maybe she was suffering from the same thing my ma had after my brother’s death, what do you call it, melancholia? Is that it?" Sully’s hand gently moved up and down Michaela’s back.

Michaela sniffled several times as she wiped away her tears. "I’ve been thinking the same thing myself, ever since you told me about your ma and brother. Maybe she was still grieving over Marjorie but that doesn’t change anything," Michaela tearfully explained. "In our anger we both said things that we shouldn’t have. But now I can never tell her how sorry I am," Michaela began to weep again.

"Why didn’t I ever send that letter, Sully?" Michaela scolded herself. "If I would have sent it to her right after I wrote it, then maybe she would still be alive today."

"What are you talking about?" Sully asked with great concern. "You had nothin’ to do with that."

"Maybe the stress and anxiety over what happened between us was too much for my mother’s heart. What if I am the reason her heart gave out?" Michaela spoke in a barely audible tone, her lip quivering slightly. "Maybe if she had read my letter she wouldn’t have died thinking that I hated her."

"Michaela," Sully softly spoke as he pulled her close to his chest, "you can’t blame yourself. We don’t even know what your ma died from. You gotta stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty for things that are out of your control."

Michaela raised her tear-streaked eyes to Sully’s face and mumbled, "I can’t help it. I feel so guilty for letting her leave when we were so angry with each other. I shouldn’t have let her walk out that morning. I should have gone after her. And now she’ll never know how sorry I am. I’ll never be able to tell her how much I love her." Michaela’s tears continued to wet Sully’s shirt as her shoulders shook from silent sobs.

Sully held Michaela close to his heart as she continued to cry on his shoulder. As Michaela’s tears finally began to lessen Sully pulled back slightly and gently lifting her chin he looked into her eyes. "Michaela," he began softly, "why don’t you talk to her now." Michaela looked at Sully, her eyes questioning. "What do you mean?" she whispered.

Sully reached behind him and grabbing his backpack he opened the outside pouch and pulled out a letter. Handing it to Michaela he said, "I saw this on your nightstand the morning we were leaving. I don’t know why I picked it up, something inside me just told me to."

Michaela reached for the letter and noticed that it was the letter she had written to her mother, but never sent. "I don’t understand," Michaela spoke softly, a puzzled expression on her face.

"You were talking to Sam earlier, right?" Sully asked. Michaela nodded her head. "Well, then talk to your ma the same way. Read her the letter, tell her how you feel."

Michaela sat in silence as she nervously fingered the letter in her hand. She looked at the letter, then at Sam’s grave, and then back again at the letter. After several minutes she turned the envelope over and tore open the flap. Sully squeezed her shoulder lightly and then as he started to rise he looked into her eyes and gently asked, "Do you want to be alone?"

Michaela reached out and grasping Sully’s hand in hers she whispered, "No, stay with me, please." Sully immediately sank back down on his knees and putting his arm around her waist, he waited as she opened the letter.

Michaela’s hands were shaking as she opened the letter. As she unfolded the letter she silently read the first line. "Dear Mother, I don’t know where to begin…" Michaela glanced at Sully and gently squeezing her arm he encouraged her to continue. "Go on, read it to her. She can hear ya, Michaela," Sully’s love and encouragement gave her the strength to continue.

Michaela looked down at the grave and then taking a deep breath she began reading out loud.

Dear Mother,

I don’t know where to begin, so I suppose I should begin by apologizing to you for my behavior when you were here last. I am truly sorry that we parted on such angry terms. I should have never let you walk out that door when you were so angry with me, and vice versa. I know you only want what’s best for me Mother, but I’m a married woman now and I have to be able to make my own decisions.

I know that Sully isn’t the type of man that you would have chosen for me. He was not the type of man that I envisioned myself with as a little girl, or even as a young woman. But he is the most honest, kindest, and most gentle man I have ever known and he loves me with all his heart, and I love him more than anything in this world. I couldn’t even imagine my life without him now.

I’m not saying that Sully and I haven’t had our share of problems, we have and even more than our share. And it seems that whenever you come for a visit we our in the middle of one of our crises. But through our love we’ve always managed to get through them, and we come out stronger than before.

I know you miss Marjorie very much, so do I. And I know that perhaps you still feel I am to blame. I struggle with that myself every day. Did I do the right thing with her? We’ll never know what the outcome would have been if I had chosen a different course of action, but at the time I made the decision that I thought was best. And now we must both find a way to accept what has happened. I will have to live with that decision for the rest of my life, but I can’t keep looking back and wondering ‘what if’. We both must find a way to move on.

I’m sorry for the things I said to you while you were here. They were cruel and unkind and I wanted you to know that I truly didn’t mean them. I was angry and hurt and I acted on my emotions. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye on things, in fact we rarely have, but I do love you Mother, and I just wanted you to know that. You and Father made me the person I am today, and I want to thank you for that.

Mother, I hope that some day you’ll be able to know Sully as I do, as the man he truly is and that you’ll be able to accept my life here with him. And I wanted to assure you that I am happy here, happier than I’ve ever been. I could not even begin to envision my life any other way.

I pray that our next visit will be a more pleasant one, but until then, do know that I love you and I think of you often.

Love Always,

Michaela

Michaela sank back on her heels as she let the letter fall to her lap. Sully’s arms around her tightened and leaning over he lightly kissed her cheek. "She heard ya, Michaela. She knows."

Michaela leaned into Sully and laying her head onto his shoulder, her tears started anew. "I feel so guilty, so ashamed," she cried softly. "I promised myself I would never let this happen again, and now it’s happening all over. Why didn’t I stop her from leaving."

Sully soothingly rubbed Michaela’s back as he gently rocked her in his arms. Pulling back ever so slightly he asked in a whisper, "What’s happening all over again?" When he received no answer he pulled back even more and brushing her cheek with his finger, he whispered, "Michaela?"

Michaela glanced up at Sully but then quickly she lowered her eyes. "Sully, just hold me, hold me please," she quietly begged as she wrapped her arms around his neck and silently wept. Sully’s arms immediately tightened around her as he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

They sat like that for a long time, all the while Sully continued to gently rock her and whisper soothing words in her ear. He didn’t know why, but he sensed that something was still troubling Michaela. But right now he knew above all else that she needed to be held. And that’s exactly what he intended to do.

It was sometime later when Michaela finally pulled away from Sully’s embrace. She turned her face upwards and Sully gently wiped away her tears. "You okay?" Sully whispered softly as he looked into her eyes. Michaela nodded her head. "Yes," she whispered, her lips barely moving.

Glancing over his shoulder, Sully nodded his head toward the tiny mound of rocks several feet away. Reaching for Michaela’s hands he looked into her eyes and spoke in a soft and gentle voice, "If you don’t think you’re ready, we…"

"No," Michaela interrupted as she tightly squeezed Sully’s hands. "I want to," she spoke softly but with determination. Sully searched her eyes but seeing a hint of uncertainty he wanted to be sure, so he asked, "You sure?" Michaela lowered her eyes for a brief moment but then quickly raised them again. "No," she whispered truthfully, forcing a slight smile.

Sully gazed into her tear-filled eyes and bringing her hands up to his chest, he answered, "I understand, but like I told ya before, I’ll be right here with you. Anytime you wanna leave, you tell me, all right?" Michaela gave him an imperceptible nod as Sully helped them both to their feet. With his arm held tightly around her waist they slowly made their way over to the tiny grave and knelt down beside it.

With their hands clasped together they knelt in silence, each offering their own silent prayer. A few minutes later Michaela slowly reached out and ran her fingers over the tiny cross. "Baby Sully - 1872," she whispered as her fingers lightly traced the carved numbers, "that was the worst year of my life." Sully squeezed her hand tighter. "I almost lost you and then…" Michaela whispered, her voice cracking, "we lost this one."

Sully released her hand and raising his arm, he put it around her shoulder and drew her close. "I know, it was my worst year also," Sully spoke softly into her ear. "I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again." And then in a low voice, Sully whispered, "Sometimes I wonder about what would have happened if I had been there, maybe you wouldn’t have lost the baby. I’ll never forgive myself for not being with you then."

Michaela looked up at Sully and noticed that his eyes were moist with unshed tears. Reaching up she lightly caressed his face. "Sully, we’ve been through this before, it was no one’s fault. There was nothing you could have done if you would have been there," Michaela stated with conviction, "nothing! So you have to stop blaming yourself."

"I know, but sometimes its real hard not to," Sully answered as he leaned over and placed a kiss on the top of Michaela’s head. Then cupping her chin in his hand he met her eyes. "I’ll try not to blame myself if you stop blaming yourself for Marjorie’s and your ma’s death." And then gazing deep into her eyes, he spoke softly. "They were all out of our hands Michaela. We gotta accept that."

"I know, and you’re right, but it doesn’t make it any easier, does it?" Michaela softly cried. "No, it doesn’t" Sully returned as he reached up to wipe away a tear that was trickling down Michaela’s cheek. Michaela looked down at the tiny grave before them and running her hand over the second cross, she whispered, "and then barely a year later we lost another one."

"I know," Sully croaked as he tried to steady his voice, "but we gotta believe they’re in a better place now."

"They are in a better place now, Sully. I know that," Michaela murmured softly with conviction. Reaching out she grabbed Sully’s hand and brought it to her chest. "And we have Sam to watch over them for us …" Michaela nodded her head towards Sam’s grave, and then in a bare whisper, her voice cracking, she added, "and now my mother."

Sully put his arm around Michaela and pulled her close to his chest. "They’re in good hands now," he whispered softly into her ear as he felt his own tears begin to fall. Michaela raised her head slightly and seeing his tears she reached up and gently wiped them away. "I love you," she softly cried. "I love you too," Sully returned as he gently kissed her lips. With their eyes closed and their foreheads touching, they held each other for several minutes giving comfort and support.

Slowly Michaela pulled away and giving Sully’s arm a slight squeeze, she turned to retrieve her backpack. Sully watched in silence as Michaela reached inside her backpack and pulled out a small, black case. Sully immediately recognized the case as the one she had ordered shortly after arriving in Colorado Springs. "Michaela?" he asked curiously as she opened the case and pulled out a small pair of scissors.

Without a word Michaela lifted up her hair and taking a lock from underneath, she cut a strand off and held it tightly in her hand. She turned her face upwards and gazing into Sully’s eyes, he silently conveyed to her to do the same with him. Slowly she reached up and cut a strand from Sully’s hair as well. Sully removed the two strands of hair from Michaela’s trembling hands and then quickly he braided the two together. Lifting up a small rock, he placed the braided hair underneath and then gently placed the rock back on top.

As Sully’s hand lingered momentarily on the rock, Michaela gently laid her hand over his. "We’ll carry both of you in our hearts always," Michaela whispered hoarsely as she lightly squeezed Sully’s hand. Then Sully whispered, "your ma and pa will always love you."

Michaela leaned her head against Sully’s shoulder and quietly she wept. "Does the pain ever stop?" Michaela whispered through her tears. Sully leaned over and kissing the top of her head he answered in a whisper, "with time, Michaela, with time the pain will lessen… but it never completely goes away."

Michaela looked up at Sully with swollen eyes and taking his hand she asked, "Does it still hurt if you think about Hannah?" Sully lightly kissed her swollen eyelids and shaking his head he spoke in a soft whisper, "If I let myself think about it for too long, the pain’s still there."

"Sometimes it’s all I do is think about it," Michaela’s voice was full of pain, "it still hurts so much."

"I know," Sully answered softly as he kissed her hand, "I think about it a lot too, but we still got each other Michaela and I’ll always be here for you." Sully reached up and lightly touched her cheek and then leaning down he kissed away her tears. "Anytime you feel sad Michaela, you can come to me." His eyes locked with hers. "Of all people I’ll understand."

"I know," Michaela sniffled, "I know that it’s just as hard for you," she reached for his hand. "And you do comfort me Sully. I would have never gotten through any of this if I didn’t have you beside me. Thank you for that," she whispered softly.

"You’re welcome," Sully quietly returned as he leaned down and lightly kissed her lips. Sully squeezed Michaela’s hand and then looking into her bloodshot eyes he said, "If we’re gonna make camp by nightfall, we should probably be going soon."

"Will we be able to make it to the hot springs by dark?" Michaela asked shyly.

"Yeah, if we leave now, I think we can make it," Sully answered as he tried to suppress a slight smile. Although he hadn’t mentioned the hot springs to Michaela, it had been his hope that she would want to stop there, even though it would take them slightly out of their way. Now his smile broadened as he thought of their impending night.

Sully slowly stood up, pulling Michaela up with him. "Come on, let’s git going," Sully reached down and picked up Michaela’s bedroll and backpack and helped her slide them onto her back. He then reached down and picked up his equipment and flung it over his shoulder. Michaela shifted the weight of her backpack and then flashing Sully a slight smile, she quietly said, "Let’s go."

The path was much wider now and Sully was able to walk beside Michaela. They held hands and talked about Katie and Brian and their hopes for the future. But the farther they traveled the quieter Michaela became. Sully knew that after the events of today that she was mentally and physically drained and for the first time he noticed how tired and exhausted she looked. He thought about stopping for a short rest, but one quick look at the sky and he knew that if they were to reach the hot springs by dark, they would have to keep going.

The sun was just beginning to set when they reached the hot springs. Sully eyed the bubbling hot springs and noticed now tempting and inviting they looked, but he knew that would have to wait. Instead he turned to Michaela and said, "How ‘bout I gather some firewood and get the fire started while you set up our beds." "All right" Michaela answered methodically as she unloaded her equipment from her back. As she began to unroll their bedrolls, she suddenly stopped, dropping the blanket to the ground. "Sully," she called his name softly. Sully turned his head at the sound of his name. In a mere whisper she began to stammer, "Do you think… I mean would it be possible… well could you…"

Hearing the urgency in her voice, Sully walked over to Michaela and taking both of her hands in his to steady them, he looked into her eyes and gently asked, "What? What it is Michaela?"

Michaela nervously lowered her eyes as she tried to steady the quiver in her voice. Sully gently lifted her chin and looked piercingly into her frightened eyes. "Tell me Michaela," he pleaded softly.

"Well…," Michaela hesitated, "do you think if we used some of our blankets…, I mean… do you think you could build a sweat lodge?" Sully gazed deeply into Michaela’s tormented eyes and then squeezing her hands, he asked, "Is that what you’d like me to do?"

Her eyes moist with unshed tears, she spoke in a mere whisper. "Would you mind?" her voice cracked slightly. Reaching up he gently cupped her chin in his hand and holding her gaze, he answered, "No, I think it’s a good idea." He leaned down and lightly brushed her lips with his. "How ‘bout if you just sit down and rest while I take care of everything here."

"No, Sully, I can’t let you do everything by yourself," Michaela answered anxiously as she nervously wrung her hands. "I can get the firewood and build the fire."

Once again Sully grabbed Michaela’s hands to still them. "I know you can, but you’re exhausted right now," Sully returned as he gazed into her tired eyes. "Just sit down and relax. I’ll have this built and the fire going before you know it."

"I’m fine Sully, really. I want to help, please," her voice softly begged. Suddenly realizing that Michaela needed to keep busy, he reluctantly agreed. "All right, but don’t go far," and then he added, "and we’ll need some stones for the sweat lodge."

Using three long sticks that he had cut from branches, Sully fashioned the poles in the form of a teepee. He then took three of their blankets and wrapped them around the poles, overlapping each blanket so that no light could shine through. He set the remaining blankets inside and spread one out on the ground so they could sit on it.

Sully stood back to view the finished product just as Michaela was returning from the stream with several smooth, round stones. The fire was already going and as the coals began to turn to a glowing hot red, Sully placed the stones in the middle of the fire. Soon after the stones were red hot and using a y-shaped stick, he carried the hot stones inside the sweat lodge.

After removing their outer clothing Sully followed Michaela inside and they sat down on top of the blanket, sitting side by side, their hips barely touching. Sully then draped the last remaining blanket over Michaela’s shoulders. Taking a cup filled with cold water Sully slowly poured it over the hot coals, creating a warm steam vapor that filled the sweat lodge. Removing the medicine pouch that hung around his neck, Sully opened it up and took out a small pinch of the herbs. Sprinkling the herbs over the hot coals, Sully began to softly chant as the sweet smell wafted through the air.

Michaela had been in a sweat lodge several times before, once when Sully had his megrim and the other time after Washita. And even though she didn’t fully understand the nature of the sweat lodge or the Cheyenne customs, she had seen first hand the effects of their healing powers. As Michaela listened to the soothing chants of her husband and the sweet smell of herbs filled her nostrils, she slowly closed her eyes. And once again she was overwhelmed with a feeling of despair and her heart was heavy with the burden of guilt.

Sometime later, minutes, hours, Michaela wasn’t quite sure, she slowly opened her eyes. Sully was sitting next to her cross-legged, his eyes closed in meditation. They were both covered with a sheen layer of perspiration and her damp hair was sticking to her skin. Slowly, cautiously, she reached out and lightly touched Sully’s knee. Sully opened his eyes to see his wife watching him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He reached out and putting his arm around her he gently drew her into his arms, her tears wetting his chest.

"Sshhh, everything’s gonna be all right," Sully whispered soothingly as he stroked her hair.

The air was thick and heavy around them as Michaela slowly closed her eyes and whispered, "I never should have let him leave that day. I should have stopped him from getting on that train just like I should have stopped Mother."

Sully pulled back slightly so he could see her face. "Stop who?" he asked in confusion.

Michaela lifted her head from Sully’s chest and looking into his eyes she answered in a mere whisper, "David. I should have never let him leave that morning. He was so angry with me."

Startled by her answer and with a hint of resentment in his voice, Sully cautiously asked, "What does David have to do with this?"

Michaela quickly lowered her eyes but Sully gently, but firmly lifted her chin and meeting her gaze he gently asked again, "Michaela, what does all of this have to do with David? Tell me, please," his eyes were pleading.

Michaela sat up straight and took a deep, cleansing breath. Taking Sully's hands she clasped them tightly in hers and swallowing over the lump in her throat she began. "Sully, there's something I didn't tell you about my mother's visit." He raised a questioning eye and gently squeezed her hands. She took another deep breath and continued. "The reason my mother came here was to take me back to Boston..., to marry David." she said the last in a rush.

Sully opened his mouth in protest but Michaela quickly continued. "Apparently David has resumed practicing medicine in Boston and it was there that my mother ran into him. She didn't know he was still alive and so naturally she was quite shocked and angry that I never told her."

"You never told your mother about that?" Sully asked in surprise.

"No," Michaela whispered as she averted his eyes. "David told Mother about his visit here. He told her he was still in love with me and that if I would have him he still wanted to marry me. He told her that you were the only thing standing in our way."

"But we're married now Michaela, we have children, surely your mother didn't forget that," Sully retorted in frustration. "What did she think I was supposed to do, just step out of the way?"

Hearing the anger in Sully's voice, Michaela softly spoke. "Sully, I believe now that my mother wasn't thinking in a logical manner. I believe she was still despondent over Marjorie's death. But in answer to your question, yes, that's exactly what she thought you should do. She called it a 'minor detail'. She even went as far as to contact a lawyer in Boston about getting us a divorce."

Sully's mouth dropped open in astonishment. "Did she really hate me that much?"

Lifting his hand to her mouth, Michaela lightly kissed his fingers. "She blamed 'the wilderness' for taking Marjorie away from her and she told me 'she wasn't going to lose another child to this uncivilized place'. She blamed you for keeping me here. She didn't hate you Sully, she just didn't understand you."

"I understand now why you got so upset with her," Sully replied as he reached out and lightly brushed away a stray tendril that was clinging to her wet cheek.

"Things only escalated from there," Michaela tearfully cried. "I tried to reason with her, Sully. I told her how happy I was here and how much I loved you, but she refused to listen to anything I said. The more I tried to talk to her the more she began to berate you and our home. That's when I lost control and told her if she couldn't accept you or my life here that she wasn't welcome in our home." Michaela gazed into Sully's eyes and with tears streaming down her cheeks, her voice quivering, "I didn't mean that Sully. She just made me so angry."

Sully pulled Michaela's head back down onto his chest and ran his fingers through her hair. "Sshhh, I know you didn't mean it, Michaela. Your ma knows that too."

"No she doesn't. She hates me. She died thinking I'm a terrible person," Michaela cried softly.

"She doesn't hate you and she doesn't think you're a terrible person," Sully crooned softly. "Why would she think that?"

"She just did, that's all," Michaela swiped at her tears. Sully knew that Michaela wasn't making any sense right now so he just continued to hold her and rock her and to whisper soothing words of love into her ear.

Several more minutes went by as Michaela's tears began to cease. Pulling back slightly, his arms still wrapped tightly around her, he softly asked, "Michaela?" "Hmmm," she quietly answered into his chest as her fingers lightly caressed his shoulders. "Why didn't you ever tell your Mother about David returning?" he asked curiously.

Michaela tensed slightly and her fingers stilled. "Because...," Michaela hesitated, but then feeling Sully's fingers giving her arms an encouraging squeeze, she blurted, "because that would have led to questions that I didn't want to answer."

"What kind of questions?" he asked, but when she didn't answer he gently lifted her chin so he could see into her eyes. "Michaela," he gently asked as his deep blue eyes penetrated her soul, "what questions?"

Michaela knew that the moment of truth had finally come. It was now or never and she knew in her heart that she could no longer keep this from Sully. She had to tell him everything; she only prayed that he would understand.

Michaela averted Sully's eyes and began to nervously wring her hands. She shifted slightly so that she could see his face. Sully placed his hands on top of hers to still them and giving her a gentle squeeze he leaned over and softly kissed her lips. "Michaela, what is it? What are you so afraid of telling me?" he gently implored.

Michaela closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Sully, do you remember when we were courting, how afraid I was to be alone with you, to kiss you, to touch you?" she asked sheepishly.

"Yeah, I remember," he answered softly, a slight grin on his face.

Michaela looked at Sully, her cheeks slightly flushed, "Well.., did you ever wonder why I was so afraid to be with you?"

"Sure I did," Sully chuckled softly, "but after awhile I realized it was because that's the way your ma taught you to think; you just didn't know any other way."

"Yes, that's true," MIchaela lowered her eyes and began to fidget with her wedding rings, "and that is part of the reason."

"What do you mean by 'part of the reason'," Sully again grasped her hands to still them. "Michaela?" he waited until she raised her eyes, "what is it you're trying to tell me?"

Michaela pulled her hands from Sully's grasp and wiped her perspiring hands on her skirt. "Sully, remember the time I found Matthew and Ingrid in the barn together, kissing in the hay?" Michaela asked anxiously.

"Yeah, and you were so worried about them that you wanted me to talk to Matthew 'bout the birds and the bees," Sully smiled as he remembered his little talk with Matthew.

"Do you remember the conversation we had that day when I asked you to talk to Matthew?" Michaela queried.

"Yeah, I think so. You told me you found them in the barn together, and I asked you if they were kissing." Sully lifted Michaela's hand to his lips and flashing her a suggestive smile, he lightly kissed her wrist.

"Yes, that's correct," Michaela answered timidly, "and then you said 'so?'" she paused as she shyly raised her eyes, "and then I said 'when people get excited, they might do something they regret'," her voice cracked slightly. Michaela looked at Sully and then quietly asked, "Do you remember what you said next?"

Sully looked at Michaela curiously, wondering where this conversation was leading. "I think so," Sully replied as he looked intensely into Michaela's eyes, "I said something like 'so they try to pretend it didn't happen' and then you said 'sometimes it's too late', and then I said 'is that so?'. Sully stared deeply into Michaela eyes when suddenly a thought occurred to him.

"Michaela?" Sully asked as a sudden fear gripped his throat, "did... did something happen between you and David?"

Michaela suddenly shivered and she quickly pulled the blanket up tightly around her neck. She looked at me with forlorn eyes and in a quivering voice she whispered, "I've never been able to speak to anyone about this before Sully, ever."

Sully laid his hand gently on her knee and looking into her eyes he said, "Michaela, I'm your husband. I love you, you know that. There isn't anything that you could say to me that would change the way I feel about you. Don't you know that by now?" His eyes were pleading. "Please, tell me. What happened?"

She sighed heavily and then quietly she whimpered, "I've always felt so guilty and ashamed about that night."

Sully gulped and then unconsciously his hand gripped her knee tighter and with much hesitancy he asked, "What happened that night?"

Michaela lowered her eyes and with her finger she began to trace the letter S in the dirt. She paused a few moments and then taking a deep breath, she slowly raised her head. "It was the night before David was to leave for the war. My parents were giving him a sending away party, along with several of our other close friends who had also joined the service." Michaela had a faraway look in her eyes and her voice sounded distant.

"After the party was over and all of our friends had left, David asked me to go out into the garden with him. Martha, my mother's chamber maid, started to follow us but when we reached the door, my father stopped her and told her she was excused for the night. Of course my mother protested. It wasn't proper for an unmarried woman to be alone with a man without a chaperone. But my father reminded her that David and I were engaged and that a few minutes alone together would not be improper.

"He's going off to war for God's sake," Joseph replied sternly. "Let them have some private time together without Martha standing over their shoulder watching their every move. What's the matter, don't you trust them," he said to her.

"Fine Joseph, have it your way. You usually do when it comes to Michaela," Elizabeth Quinn remarked bitterly. "But I want you to know that I am against this. It isn't proper for her to be alone with him, what would people think?"

"Quit worrying about what people will think for once and think about your daughter," Joseph's voice was calm and even. "They need to say goodbye to each other Elizabeth, and they don't need Martha or anyone else there to watch over them. Besides, David would never do anything improper where Michaela is concerned."

"Yes, of course, I know that," Elizabeth stammered, "I'm only trying to protect my daughter's reputation. I don't want people to gossip needlessly."

"They won't," Joseph Quinn concluded, before turning around and walking into his study, closing the door behind him.

David slipped his arm around Michaela's waist as he led her out onto the garden terrace, stumbling slightly as he closed the door behind him. He grabbed hold of Michaela's waist tighter to keep from falling. Michaela smiled up at him and said shyly, "I bet you did that on purpose, just to be closer to me." David leaned down and lightly kissed her cheek. "You caught me," he returned her smile.

"Let's go over to the bench and sit down. We'll have more privacy there," David said as he glanced back towards the house, where Mrs. Quinn was peering out the window. Michaela turned her head slightly towards the house and seeing her daughter, Mrs. Quinn quickly snapped the curtain shut.

Michaela turned back to David and gave him a slight smile and then taking his offered hand, they slowly strolled to the corner of the garden, where a small bench was tucked neatly under two large spruce trees. Sitting on the bench, David opened his coat and quickly pulled out a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Smiling at her, he said, "I thought a toast would be appropriate for us tonight."

Michaela shyly batted her eyes and then looking at David she said in a soft voice, "Yes, I think that would be appropriate." David poured the champagne and then raising their glasses, he proposed a simple toast. "May we find happiness in spending the rest of our lives together." He looked into her eyes. She gazed back at him, her eyes moist with tears, and whispered, "Come home safely." They touched their glasses together and then holding each other's gaze, they drank the champagne.

He poured them another glass and he quickly consumed his, but seeing Michaela decline hers, he took her glass from her hand, drank it quickly and then set both of them on the ground. Taking her face between his hands, he gently kissed her lips. "I love you, Michaela, I'll miss you so much" David began to slur his words. Breathless, Michaela pulled back slightly and ran her hand lightly over her forehead. "I feel so dizzy," Michaela faintly whispered but before she could catch her breath David once again seized her lips.

"I love you Michaela," David whispered in her ear as he felt her heart pound rapidly against his chest. David lifted her hand to his cheek. "Michaela, I want you to be my wife, tonight." He lightly ran his fingers down her neck and across her shoulder. Michaela was overwhelmed by the feelings that David was stirring in her and the champagne was making her lightheaded. "David, what are you talking about?" David's fingers lightly raked her arm and sent shivers down her spine. "I don't want to go off to war without knowing what it's like to be with you. I love you, and I know you love me." He lightly blew in her ear and his hands began to fumble with the buttons on her blouse.

"David," Michaela breathed heavily as she quickly stilled his hand, "we can't do this." But her resistance was weakening due to the affects of the champagne and lowering her eyes she slowly released his hand. Her heart was beating rapidly as David slowly unbuttoned her blouse, his fingers lightly grazing her skin. She knew she should stop him now, before it was to late, but her mind was all fuzzy from the champagne.

He pushed her blouse down off her shoulders. "I want you to be my wife, now," he whispered urgently into her ear. He kissed her deeply and she responded in kind. Michaela felt David's hand move slowly underneath her camisole and her breath caught in her throat as his hand barely grazed her breast.

Michaela pulled back breathless and grasping David's hand, she quickly pulled it away. Nervously biting her lower lip, she shyly replied, "No, David, we can't do this, please. It's not right."

But the alcohol was affecting his better judgment and he continued to press her. "Michaela, we're going to be married anyway. If you really love me, you'll be with me tonight," he whispered hungrily. Once again he slid his hand under her camisole and began to lightly caress her skin.

"David, stop!" Michaela begged in a whisper, "please, don't do this. I think you've had too much to drink." She once again grabbed his hand to still it. But David had had far too much champagne and as he kissed her neck, he breathed heavily, "Michaela, I know you want this too." His hands started groping wildly and Michaela pushed him away. "Stop it!" she beseeched." But David wouldn't listen and continued to nibble at her neck, leaning on her heavily. His breath had the pungent odor of alcohol and his words were slurred, "No, please Michaela, I want you. If you really love me you won't say no. I may be killed, this may be our last chance to be together." He began to move his mouth over hers but she quickly turned away

"Don't say such a thing," Michaela whimpered as she tried to scoot away. David grasped her face in his hands and kissed her fervantly. Running his fingers along her shoulder, he slowly slid down the strap of her camisole. Michaela grabbed his hand and pulled it off of her. "I think we better go inside now," Michaela's voice cracked. David was panting heavily as he gently pushed her down onto the bench. Kissing her ear, he whispered, "Don't you want to be with me?"

"Stop it David, you're frightening me. Of course I want to be with you, but not like this, not until we're properly married," Michaela tried to sit up but David's weight was holding her down. David's hand began to caress her back and slowly his hand moved lower on her backside. "That's enough!" Michaela cried harshly as she tried to push David away, "please stop."

David faintly heard Michaela's voice telling him to stop but as his breathing became more rapid and his pulse began to race he once again slid his hand underneath her camisole and then....

"And then what?" Sully demanded softly, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. Michaela looked

up into Sully's eyes and in a timid voice she replied, "I kicked him."

"You what?" Sully asked incredulously, as he slowly unclenched his fists.

"He was frightening me, Sully, and without thinking I kicked him," Michaela whimpered softly and then lowering her eyes, she whispered, "well, actually I kneed him."

Sully reached over and held Michaela's hand tightly in his. "Then what happened?" he asked curiously.

Michaela bit her lower lip and in a quivering voice she whispered softly, "He became angry with me."

David gasped loudly as Michaela swiftly raised her knee. He fell back onto the bench, his knees curled up, gasping for breath. His head was spinning but as the pain subsided David looked angrily into Michaela eyes and demanded, "What did you do that for?"

"Oh, God," Michaela put her hands over her mouth, suddenly realizing what she had done, "David, are you all right?" She quickly reached for his hands but he jerked them away. Stunned, Michaela flashed her eyes at David but then suddenly noticing her blouse she quickly replaced it back on her shoulders and began to button it up.

"I thought you loved me," David slurred as he swayed slightly in his seat, his hand resting on her arm for balance. "I do love you David, but you've had too much to drink, we've both had to much to drink, and I think it's time we said goodnight," Michaela tried to explain.

"You say you love me, but you don't," David mumbled, "or you wouldn't have stopped me." He looked into her eyes and his voice flared, "I don't understand you. You come out here batting your eyes and teasing me and then you tell me no. What am I supposed to think?"

Michaela glared at him unbelievingly, "I was never teasing you, David, and I don't bat my eyes," she replied defensively with tears in her eyes.

David stood up quickly but began to sway and as Michaela reached up to steady him, he quickly pushed her hands away from him. Glaring his bloodshot eyes at her he bitterly retorted, "You better hope I come back in one piece, because if I don't, this night will haunt you for the rest of your life." Steadying himself against the tree beside him, he mumbled, "Goodnight, Michaela," and turning around he walked out of the garden and into the night.

"David!" Michaela’s voice quivered as she called after him, but to no avail. Michaela sat on the bench in shock as she watched David disappear into the night. "What just happened?" she cried softly. Suddenly she began trembling all over as the implications of the night began to sink in. With tears streaming down her cheeks she quickly tucked in her blouse, straightened her hair and picking up her skirts, she quickly ran into the house.

Sully reached up and wiped away the tears that were streaming down Michaela’s cheeks and reaching over he grasped her trembling hands in his. Looking up into Sully’s eyes, Michaela continued through her tears, "The next morning when I went to the train station to see David off I could tell that he was still angry with me; he wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I waited for him to say something, but he never did. He simply gave me a peck on the cheek, said goodbye and then he got on the train."

"I started to go after him, but then for some reason I didn’t," Michaela replied guiltily. She lifted her tormented eyes and then lowering them, she added, "I guess my stubbornness got in the way then also." Suppressing a smile Sully thought to himself, ‘some things never change.’

Michaela swallowed over the lump in her throat. "That was the last time I ever saw him. Four months later I received a telegram saying that David had been killed. I was devastated, not only because he had been killed, but because of the way we had parted." Sully reached out and gently caressed her cheekbone.

"I knew I loved him, but I didn’t want it to happen that way, not under those circumstances," Michaela explained, her voice full of guilt. "I felt so guilty for letting him leave that way and I made a promise to myself that I would never let that happen again. And now," Michaela’s voice cracked, "I let it happen all over again."

Sully drew Michaela into his arms and held her as she wept. As her crying began to cease Sully pulled back slightly and looking into her eyes, he curiously asked, "Michaela, didn’t David ever write to you? Didn’t he ever mention that night in any of his letters?"

"No," Michaela whispered, "I mean… yes, I did receive several letters from him but he never mentioned anything about that night. He acted as if it had never happened." Once again Michaela buried her head against Sully’s chest and allowed her tears to flow freely.

"Sshhh," Sully crooned softly as he wrapped his arms around her even tighter, "It’s gonna be okay."

"Ever since that night I’ve felt so guilty and ashamed," Michaela cried softly, her words muffled against Sully’s chest.

"Ashamed?" Sully asked surprisingly, "why would you feel ashamed? You didn’t do anything wrong, Michaela."

"You don’t understand," Michaela whispered softly, her voice full of despair.

Sully gently lifted Michaela’s chin and looking into her tear-swollen eyes, he spoke softly, "I want to Michaela, please," his voice full of love.

Michaela sighed heavily, "Maybe David was right, maybe it was my fault."

"Michaela, it was not your fault," Sully assured her. "David had too much to drink, maybe you both did, but he should have stopped when you asked him to." He gazed deeply into her eyes, "You didn’t do anything wrong, Michaela."

"But Sully, you don’t understand," Michaela cried, "I wanted him to touch me." Ashamed, Michaela turned her head away from Sully’s piercing gaze and tried to explain. "David had never kissed me like that before," Michaela softly spoke, and then as an afterthought she added "but of course we had never been alone before and David had never been drunk before." Michaela took a deep breath and looked down at her trembling hands. "With the thought of him leaving the next morning and the way he kissed me that night I was completely overwhelmed. I had never felt such strong feelings before and I wanted to be with him that night, I wanted him to touch me, but something stopped me."

Sully gently placed his finger under her chin and turning her head back to him, he looked deeply into her eyes and said with conviction, "You did, Michaela. You stopped him because it wasn't right for you." Sully reached up to gently stroke her cheek, "And if David had any respect for you, he would have stopped right then, when you first told him no."

Michaela turned her head back to gaze into Sully’s eyes and said, "But maybe I was teasing him, without even realizing it."

"Michaela, listen to me," Sully implored softly, "just because a woman blinks her eyes at a man or kisses him doesn’t give him the right to force his advances on her. You didn’t do anything wrong that night, David did."

"Mother didn’t think that," Michaela responded softly.

"What do you mean?" Sully questioned.

"Well, when my Mother was here she told me that David told her about that night and that she was appalled by my behavior," Michaela sniffled. "So you see, my mother does blame me for that night. She thought I was no better than one of Hank’s girls."

"Michaela, your ma don't think that," Sully tried to console her but he knew his words sounded hollow.

Michaela had a far-off look in her eyes as she spoke next. "That night when I ran into the house crying, my mother knew something was wrong." Michaela lightly shrugged her shoulders. "Mother's intuition I suppose. She started to come after me but I heard my father tell her to leave me alone, that it was natural that I would be upset because David was leaving. She didn't come up then, but she did come into my room the next morning."

"Good morning, Michaela," Elizabeth Quinn stated as she knocked on the door and then slowly opened it.

Micheala quickly sat up in her bed. It wasn't often that her mother would greet her like this. "Hello, Mother," Michaela returned.

Elizabeth slowly approached the bed and then pointing to the edge of the bed, she asked, "May I?"

Michaela straightened her shoulders and then pulling the covers tightly around her waist, she answered, "Of course, Mother. Is there something on your mind?"

Elizabeth looked into her daughter's unique eyes, now bloodshot from an endless night of crying, and boldly asked, "Michaela... my dear, did something happen last night. I mean, did David do something that was inappropriate?"

"Of course not, Mother," Michaela replied quickly, stunned by her mother's question, and then she blurted, "don't you trust me?: Surely she couldn't know what happened last night, she thought to herself.

Michaela looked up into Sully's eyes and as she spoke her voice quivered, "It's rather ironic really."

Sully squeezed her shoulders gently and asked, "How’s that?"

"Don’t you see? I couldn't tell my mother then because I was afraid of what she might think of me," Michaela choked as she tried unsuccessfully to hold back her tears, "and now, after all of these years, because I couldn’t tell her the truth then, she died thinking exactly that." Michaela drew in a deep sigh and slowly let it out. "I don’t know what David told my mother, but in her eyes, I was to blame for that night."

Sully didn’t know what to say to her, so he simply wrapped his arms tighter around her shoulders and held her close to his chest, his hands moving soothingly up and down her back. After a few minutes Michaela raised her pain-filled eyes to meet Sully’s and in a muffled voice she said, "David was right about one thing that night."

"What’s that?" Sully asked gently.

"That night has haunted me ever since I found out that he had been killed," Michaela said quietly. "I can’t bear that again, Sully," Michaela wept openly.

"Sshhh, everything’s gonna be alright, Michaela," Sully whispered soothingly as he kissed the top of her head.

Through her tears Michaela continued, "I waited for months for David to tell me in his letters that that night wasn’t my fault, that it was the alcohol that had made him act that way. I needed to hear that from him, but I never did, he just pretended it never happened. After I learned that he had been killed I was so consumed with guilt. I was so ashamed of my feelings that night. I was ashamed for wanting him to touch me, I felt guilty for letting him leave when he was so angry with me, and then I even began to feel guilty for not being with him that night like he had begged."

"Michaela, look at me," Sully pleaded softly as he gently lifted her chin to meet his eyes, "what David said to you that night was cruel and hateful, but he was drunk and he said it out of anger and frustration. You didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t have anything to feel ashamed about."

"For all those years I carried that guilt with me. It was only when he returned here, to Colorado Springs, did I finally realize that I had made the right choice that night."

"How’s that?" Sully asked.

"Do you remember the night you came to the homestead and David was having dinner with us, when I asked him to stay." Sully nodded his head, remembering all too well that night. "I asked him to stay because I wanted him, no, I needed him to tell me that he was sorry about that night, but he never said a word to me." Sully reached up and lightly caressed her cheek. "I sometimes wondered if perhaps he just didn’t remember it happening, that the alcohol, and then perhaps the war, had affected his memory; but then I would remember how angry he was the morning he left and I knew that he just chose to pretend it never happened."

Sully noticed Michaela shiver slightly and reaching over he pulled the blanket tightly around her shoulders and then gave her a light squeeze. "Thank you," Michaela whispered shyly as she gazed into Sully’s eyes. "You’re welcome," he whispered back.

Michaela reached out from under the blanket and grabbed Sully’s hand. "Later that week David and I went for a walk and he told me that he wanted to stay here with me, but he needed to know how I felt." Michaela looked into Sully’s eyes to gauge his reaction, but they were full of understanding and love. "He said that we were meant to be together, that we could just pick up where we left off," Michaela continued.

Sully lightly caressed her hand with his thumb. "Suddenly I knew then that I had made the right choice that night. We couldn’t just pick up where we’d left off. And besides," Michaela replied as she flashed him a crooked smile, "by then I was already in love with you. I realized then that I had wanted David to stay not because I still had feelings for him, but that I had just needed him to say something, anything about that night." She sighed heavily and then in a quiet voice she said, "After seven years I was finally able to put that night to rest. But after I learned that my Mother had died, all of those feelings of shame and guilt came rushing back."

Sully reached over and pulled Michaela into his arms, holding her tightly against his chest. "I love you," he whispered into her ear.

Michaela pulled back slightly to gaze into Sully’s deep blue eyes. "I know," she returned, "and I love you too."

Suddenly they were interrupted by the loud rumbling of Sully’s stomach. Sully looked up through the small opening at the top of the sweat lodge and realized that it was now very late. This was not how he had envisioned spending their night at the hot springs, but he also knew that this time was vital for Michaela to heal all of her wounds.

Smiling at Michaela, he kissed the top of her head. "Michaela, it’s getting’ late. How ‘bout we get us something to eat and then we can snuggle under the covers or," Sully raised his eyebrow suggestively, "maybe we could get into the hot springs and do some more talkin’."

Michaela stroked Sully’s chest and in a weak voice she replied, "Yes, I suppose we should do that."

Sully once again pulled back slightly and carefully eyed his wife. He could tell by the drawn out features on her face that today’s events had taken its toll on her. She had dark circles under her eyes and they were red and swollen and she looked totally exhausted. He vowed to himself that he would give her extra special care tonight. "Tell you what," Sully spoke softly, "how ‘bout I get us something to eat while you sit here and rest."

Expecting a protest, Sully was surprised when Michaela answered in a faint voice, "Alright, I am feeling rather drained right now, but I think I’ll come outside and sit by the fire."

"Sounds good," Sully returned as he helped them both to their feet. "I’ll get the fire going again and then I’ll throw us something together to eat." He embraced her briefly and then leading her out of the sweat lodge, he gently guided her over to a log next to the fire. He threw a few more logs onto the fire and soon it was again burning bright, casting a flickering shadow over Michaela’s weary face.

CONTINUED