For personal use and select distribution only © by Judith A., October 2006
No Greater
Burden
By Judith A.
Chapter Thirty-One | Chapter Thirty-Two | Chapter Thirty-Three
Sully had agreed to meet Cloud Dancing at his lodge after he found a diversion for the children. When he arrived at the reservation, he left Katie with Live in Hopes, and then he brought Josef to visit Running Wolf and his family. He shared a cup of coffee with his friends before leaving his son to play with Eyes Like the Sky and making his way across the far side of the Indian Agency.
As he approached Cloud Dancing's lodge, he saw him sitting outside carving a piece of wood. The closer he got, the stronger the tightness in his chest became, until he could hardly breathe. In all the years he had known Cloud Dancing, even in times of discord, Sully had never felt this uncomfortable. He realized this discomfort came from the fear that Cloud Dancing had hardened from his years of living as a prisoner on the reservation. Sully thought if he remained here, helping him and the Cheyenne, he might be able to heal the rift between them while making a difference for the Cheyenne. Yet, a part of him also wondered whether their friendship would ever be the same.
When he reached Cloud Dancing, Sully was unable to read his expression. Hesitant to prompt him, he silently took a seat on the ground next to him. For a long time, they sat wordlessly, staring off in the distance. There were so many things they needed to talk about, but neither of them seemed ready to begin. Not yet able to meet his eyes, Sully focused his gaze on the industrious work of a western tanager constructing her nest. He watched the bird fly back and forth with twigs and leaves in her mouth, the nest taking shape before his eyes.
Cloud Dancing was the first to break the uncomfortable silence. "It is not the first time I allowed my hate to drive us apart." He brought his blade across the wood in several long strokes.
"First time was when Jake shot Little Eagle," Sully recalled. His voice was low, barely above a whisper.
"I do not know when I will learn that my hate is wrong." His tone was laced with regret.
"Ya had a right ta be angry," Sully said, considering his words carefully. He crossed his legs in front of him, his hands resting on his knees.
"Angry, yes…not consumed by hatred and revenge."
Both men measured their words as the icy tension between them began to thaw. It was the start of a delicate truce and neither one wanted to say a wrong word or stray comment that could be misconstrued. With each tentative statement, their words were full of so much more than they were saying.
Sully broached the subject of their discord first. He continued to watch the bird build her nest, finding it easier to speak without making eye contact. "Have ya made peace with the council's decision 'bout Runnin' Wolf?"
Cloud Dancing ran his knife across the wood several times, taking a few moments to collect his thoughts. "Strong Bow argued the same as you did. I could not hear it then. My desire for revenge deafened me to wisdom."
After a long moment, Sully voiced the words that had taken him some time to accept while wrestling with his own feelings of betrayal. "Runnin' Wolf won't let ya down."
In Sully's voice, Cloud Dancing heard the sincerity of his conviction along with the unease of having shared it with him. Knowing that he had put the unease in his tone brought him terrible remorse. "I believe you are right. At the same time, we needed a sacrifice from him for the Washita survivors."
"For what it's worth, I think the council made the right decision," Sully said.
Cloud Dancing was relieved they had both come to the same conclusion about Running Wolf. Both men remained side by side for several silent moments, staring out into the ocean of grasslands, still not quite ready to make eye contact.
Though they had started down the path toward forgiveness, they both knew it would take more time to completely mend the hurts inflicted in their last angry conversation. Cloud Dancing was consumed by a desire to pull back all the disgraceful words he had spoken to his closest friend, as if he had never said them. Knowing that he couldn't blot out the harsh statements filled him with incredible regret and sorrow. Sully, too, had open sores that would take time to properly close. He had concluded that remaining in Oklahoma gave them the best chance to heal completely.
Sully pivoted in his seat, finally ready to face his friend. "Cloud Dancin', I got somethin' ta tell ya." He hesitated suddenly as Michaela's pain-darkened features filled his mind. A spasm of fear crept up his spine and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again. "We're gonna be stayin'."
Cloud Dancing set his wood to the side and turned toward his friend. "I do not understand."
"Michaela an' me, we're gonna stay an' help ya," Sully said with more hope than knowledge.
"Michaela wants this?" Cloud Dancing doubted.
Sully stared at a spot in the air above Cloud Dancing's head. "She didn't take ta the idea right off," he admitted quietly. "We need ta talk more, but if she agrees, you'll have a doctor all the time ta help ya take care o' your people."
"What about the children? The closest white school is over a hundred miles away."
"At first they'll go ta the Cheyenne school, then we'll figure somethin' out. Bein' here's been real good for 'em. They've both grown so much. And, they already have friends here." Sully's voice rose to drown out the disturbing questions invading his mind.
Cloud Dancing's eyes narrowed. "And what will you do?"
"Whatever ya need. We can get that herd started. I know a bit about ranchin'," Sully said.
Cloud Dancing grew uncomfortable. "What about your job protecting the land?"
"I wanna help the Cheyenne…help ya survive," Sully said. His chest tightened as the carefully rehearsed answers to these same questions, that he had given Michaela last night, now seemed naively simplistic in the bright light of day.
"Sully, I do not want you to sacrifice your life based on the foolish rants of a man blinded by hate," Cloud Dancing told him before looking away in shame.
"I'm not, Cloud Dancin'. You were right. I haven't done nearly enough for the Cheyenne. Compared ta what you lost, I've lost nothin'."
Cloud Dancing returned his gaze to Sully. "So now you will give up your life and make your family miserable to prove to me how much you are willing to suffer?"
Sully shot up from his seat and reared his head back as if he had been struck. "It ain't like that. We won't be miserable."
Cloud Dancing rose to his feet and stood directly in front of him. "How can you say that, when I am?" He lowered his head to the ground and dropped his voice to nearly a whisper. "I do not want this for you."
"I wanna help you an' Runnin' Wolf…all o' ya," Sully pleaded, his face twisted with emotion.
"This is not your path." Cloud Dancing said. He felt the guilt rise up inside him for having demeaned Sully's commitment to the Cheyenne, pushing him into making such a rash decision.
Sully placed his hand on his shoulder and stared him in the eye. "I thought you'd be glad 'bout this."
Cloud Dancing looked at him with an expression on his face that Sully didn't recognize. It was sorrow mixed with shame. The words he spoke next did not come easily to him. "Sully, in my blind hatred, I lashed out at you for standing beside Running Wolf, who, at the time, I could only see as my enemy. In my desire for revenge, on both of you, I attacked you where I knew it would hurt you the most. It was dishonorable." He paused, swallowing hard. "Sully, no one has done more for us than you have. I would not be alive today if it were not for you. At times, I forget the debt I owe you."
"I owe you so much more'," Sully said, his voice catching with emotion.
Cloud Dancing drew in a long breath. "I am ashamed to admit that, at times, I am jealous of the freedom you have to move between our two worlds. I have never felt at ease in yours. That you found love again and built a strong family fills me with great happiness. The work you do to protect the land for our grandchildren is the correct path for you. Do not throw it all away to repay a debt you do not owe. I have done enough harm. I do not want to be responsible for ruining your life, or driving you away from your family."
Cloud Dancing had a talent for disarming him with the truth when he was buried in denial. Sully rubbed his hand across his temple to ease the early signs of a headache. "You won't."
He advanced a step closer. "What do you think you can do? The Cheyenne are doing all we can. We must use our own voices now. Sully, I want your friendship, but please do not give me your life."
"I wanted ta help ya," Sully said, his voice wavering.
Cloud Dancing looked away, ashamed. "I know what I said to you, and I am sorry, sorrier than you will ever know. You have nothing to prove to me." He raised his eyes to Sully's and placed his hand on his shoulder. "Your spirit always has, and always will, go with the Cheyenne. Please do not do this."
Sully took several deep breaths to settle his emotions. He started to speak, but couldn't.
A great sigh shook Cloud Dancing to his core. "Sully, please think about what you are sacrificing, what you will be putting your family through. Staying here with me is not the correct choice for you. Promise me you will think more about this before deciding."
Sully hadn't expected this reaction from Cloud Dancing. He had been so sure of his conviction last night. It had seemed to be the only path that made sense. This morning, the clarity of his decision had clouded over and his thoughts had a reeling, tenuous quality. "I already thought a lot about it," he said defensively.
Cloud Dancing's brows were drawn together in concern. While he was relieved the tension between them had dissipated, he was profoundly disturbed by his announcement. Even more, he felt responsible for driving Sully into making a decision that he would live to regret. For now, though, he would accept it and pray to the spirits that he might reconsider. After a long while, he spoke. "If you are going to stay here, there is a favor I must ask of you."
Unnerved by the storm of confusion in his head, Sully breathed a small sigh of relief that Cloud Dancing has ceased his protests and changed the subject. "Anythin'."
"When a Cheyenne man marries, he does not have what you call a best man. But, I would like you to stand beside me when I wed…be my best man."
Sully was moved and he gave him a brief hint of a smile. It took a moment before he trusted his voice. "Of course. I'd be honored. When's the weddin'?"
"Soon. I will let you know."
"I hope Two Voices makes ya real happy Cloud Dancin'," Sully said, patting him on the back.
"Thank you, my brother." The two men moved tentatively toward each other to embrace. It was a warm hug that communicated a mutual recognition that their healing had begun. Though some sores were still raw and would need time to properly mend, in this moment, they both silently acknowledged that together they had taken the first steps on the road toward repairing the rift that had threatened to come between them.
* * * * *
Katie placed the arrow against the bow. With her first and third fingers positioned correctly on the arrow, she pulled the string back and let go. The arrow soared straight in the air, falling to the ground just short of the target. "I missed," she said, stomping her foot in frustration.
"You're good for a girl," Live in Hopes told her, as he readied his bow for his turn.
"I can hit it. I'm just out of practice," she excused, miffed by his reference to her gender.
Live in Hopes pulled back on his bowstring and released his fingers, letting the arrow go. It traveled fast and straight through the air, ending with its point securely lodged into the lower right corner of the target. It was far short of the center, but it was the first arrow to hit the target all day. "Your turn. See if you can beat that," he gently challenged.
Katie walked toward the tree they used as a target and retrieved the arrows. On her way back, she counted the paces, going over in her mind how hard to pull the bowstring to hit it this time. Like her mother, she became even more determined when challenged, especially when someone, usually a boy, doubted her ability. "I'm gonna show you this time."
Live in Hopes stifled a laugh at the serious expression on her face as she readied her arrow. "Katie, you don't have to try so hard."
"I wanna show you I can do it," Katie said stubbornly. It was a stubbornness and determination she came by honestly.
"Why?"
She shrugged her shoulders and looked over at him. "I don't know. I guess I don't like it when folks think girls aren't as good as boys."
Live in Hopes leaned against a tree admiring her drive. "They're not as strong as boys."
"Maybe not, but they're just as smart. I'll hit it this time." She positioned her feet and lifted the arrow up to the bow. Taking another moment to spread her feet apart, she pulled the arrow back with all her might and let go. It moved fast and straight, heading directly for the center of the target when it veered off course, landing in the grass.
"That was better, but your wrist moved. Otherwise you would have hit it," Live in Hopes said, impressed. He let out a laugh at the sight of her dejected face still staring at the target, as if she couldn't believe she missed it. It was a deep, infectious cackle and soon Katie joined him in laughter. He advanced a step toward her as a knot of anxiety, which had occurred with greater frequency when he was in her company, pulled tight again. For over a week, he had spent nearly every day with Katie, yet in recent days something inside him had begun to change, causing him to occasionally feel awkward and tongue tied around her. "I'll stand behind you this time. We'll do it together so you can feel how your elbow and wrist should be."
"All right," she said, walking back toward the tree to retrieve the arrow.
As she got into position again, Live in Hopes stood behind her, his hands circling her waist before coming up to rest over her fingers on the arrow. Being this close to Katie, her soft hair cushioning his cheek, and the faint smell of roses filling his nostrils, he forgot about the game. He closed his eyes to enjoy these new sensations.
Katie felt his hands slack against hers. "You're not paying attention," she scolded.
Live in Hopes' eyes snapped open. Shaking his head to clear it, he firmly placed one hand over Katie's, steadying her wrist and ensuring that her elbow was perpendicular to the arrow. "Do you feel how your arm is supposed to be?"
"Yeah, are you ready?" Katie asked impatiently. Together they pulled back the string and let go, watching as the arrow landed near the center of the target. "We did it," she squealed in delight. Live in Hopes chucked at her mirthful enthusiasm. Katie turned around to hug him as her laughter erupted into a high pitched giggle. Inches away from his face, a host of unfamiliar feelings invaded her senses, quieting her.
Live in Hopes placed his arms around her back, steadying her, and gazed into her eyes. They were now so close to his. Looking into them he realized that he had never seen more beautiful brown eyes, one an almost imperceptible shade lighter than the other. Unsure about what to do, Live in Hopes smiled softly and reached for her hand. Together they eased themselves to the ground knowing that something had changed between them, though neither quite knew what it was.
Katie, too, felt different inside. The first word that came to mind was happy, but it was a new kind of happy. It wasn't the same happy as when she did well on a test, heard the song of an unfamiliar bird, or went riding with her father. This was something unique and she wondered if happy was even the correct word for it. It was a long moment before one of them spoke.
"I wish you didn't have to leave," Live in Hopes said, bringing their joined hands to rest in his lap.
Katie wasn't in a hurry to leave now either. "We're not leaving right away," she said, having no idea when her parents planned to return home.
"But, you are leaving."
"Yeah."
"I'll miss you."
Katie thought about how, for the past few days, when she woke, her first thoughts were of Live in Hopes and when she would see him again. In a short time, he had become her best friend. "I'll miss you, too. We can write each other and we'll see each other again."
He turned to face her, wondering if he would ever see her again and, if he did, would he still be living on a reservation. "My writing will get better. My father is letting me go back to school." He let go of her hand and stood up, motioning for her to stay seated.
"Where are you going?"
"Just stay there. I'll be right back." Live in Hopes walked around the tree to gather sunflowers he had seen growing wild.
"What changed his mind?" Katie asked, raising her voice to be heard.
"I did what your father said. I told him why I wanted to go to school and that I won't forget I'm Cheyenne." He returned to stand in front of her holding out a bouquet of big yellow sunflowers.
As she accepted the flowers, Katie felt her cheeks flush as her eyes drifted shyly toward the ground. No one had ever given her flowers before. Her father brought her mother flowers all the time, and having a boy give them to her now, made her feel a little more grown up. "Thank you."
"You are welcome. The yellow reminds me of your hair." He sat back down beside her.
Katie held the flowers to her chest inhaling their sweet scent. "There's something I'd like you to do for me after we leave."
"Anything."
Katie cast her gaze toward him. "Don't agree yet. It's big and it's something you won't want to do."
He noticed the serious expression on her face and once again the familiar knot twisted in his stomach. "What is it?"
"It would mean a lot to me if you would help Eyes Like the Sky after we're gone. Be his friend."
Live in Hopes was silent for a long time as he considered her request. He thought he would do anything for Katie, but now he wasn't sure. His father had explained the council's decision and asked him to be fair. Still, he couldn't help wonder if his birth parents would still be alive, along with the parents of his friends, if Eyes Like the Sky's father hadn't worked for Custer."
As if reading his mind, Katie's words filtered into his thoughts. "Custer would have found Black Kettle's village with or without his Pa. He would have found a way to attack the Cheyenne. And besides, Eyes Like the Sky isn't to blame."
Live in Hopes turned his head, meeting her encouraging eyes. "If it is that important to you, then yes, I will be his friend."
Without thinking, Katie leaned her head against his shoulder. "Thank you. In time, you won't just be doing it for me. You'll like him."
"I know." He tilted his head so it rested lightly against hers. They remained quiet for a long while enjoying each other's company.
"We should head back. My Pa will come looking for me," Katie said, breaking the tranquil silence.
Live in Hopes rose to his feet and held his hand out to help Katie up. "Will you take a walk with me tomorrow?"
"I'd like that."
"Can I hold your hand until we get near my lodge?" he asked shyly.
Katie smiled at him as a blush once again stained her cheeks. "I'd like that, too."
* * * * *
Michaela sat on the cold, hard surface of the cave with her arms wrapped around her knees, staring at the changing artist's palette of colors along the canyon wall. The wall was bathed in the last throws of golden light from the setting sun. Her own foundation threatened, she found solace in the canyon's solid, imposing granite walls. Though they experienced constant change from the effects of wind and rain, their alterations were subtle from decade to decade, so unlike her own life, with its frequent seismic shifts in direction. Overhead, a red-tailed hawk soared high in the air, calling out shrill, sequential rasps of joy. She scanned the sky for another one, because usually when they made that sound, they were mating.
She hadn't planned on returning to this place. When she left Dorothy around noon, she raced Flash through the open prairie grass as fast as the horse would carry her. Out in the vast open land, she found perspective in her insignificance along with exhilaration from the feel of the wind whipping across her face and hair. It was as if by riding, and riding, never stopping, she could avoid answering Sully, and forever postpone charting a new course for their future. Before she was even aware of it, Flash was climbing higher and higher into the canyon, as if a mystical force had guided her to this place. When the canyon narrowed, thwarting the horse's safe passage, Michaela tied her to an outcropping of rock on the side of the stone face and continued the rest of the way on foot. Upon entering the cave, she was overcome with a sense of serenity and warmth.
From her seat on the ground, Michaela wrapped her arms more securely around herself as a rush of warm, loving memories filled her to the brim with happiness. Closing her eyes, she could almost feel her husband's touch against her skin and his lips grazing her body. After a long time remembering, Michaela noticed that the sky had turned from blue to gray. Night would follow swiftly. If she had any chance of returning to the campsite before dark, and before she worried her family, she had to leave now. Yet she made no attempt to move. Inside these walls, she found peace and comfort. Outside, only confusion and turmoil.
No, she wouldn't leave yet. She wasn't ready and she hadn't made a decision. If Sully could go off on his own for days at a time, and expect her to understand his nature, then didn't she deserve the same courtesy? Just for tonight, she would be selfish. She would spend the night in this safe place, reliving every moment she spent here with Sully, in thrilling detail. The time they spent in this cave would be forever inscribed in her internal scrapbook to be called upon when she felt lonely or afraid.
Questions of whether to stay or go invaded her thoughts, and as the hours ticked by, their frightening implications occupied more of her mind, intruding on her warm recollections. In desperate need of a distraction, she reached for her saddlebag and removed the moccasins she had been making for Sully. While in town, she had purchased the last set of beads she needed to complete them. She began working on them weeks ago, with much needed guidance from Night Crane, and to her great surprise, she found comfort in the steadiness of the work. As she finished affixing the last of the red beads onto one moccasin, she felt as proud of it as she had been of Katie's christening gown. The work calmed her. She reached for the second moccasin, deciding to spend this evening on simple tasks. In the morning, she would turn her thoughts once again to the more complex topic of her future.
The future. The word seemed ominous somehow. Long after completing the moccasins, she was still unable to shut off her mind. Over and over, she considered her options, from all different angles, not finding satisfaction in any of them. Then, as if finding the last clue to a mystery, she came to the realization that the notion of choice was an illusion. The choice before her had never been a life here with Sully or a life in Colorado without him. There was, and always had been, only one decision she could make.
If Sully was intent on staying here to help the Cheyenne, then she and the children would stay, too. They had spent far too much time apart during their marriage. That time apart had taught her that she didn't want to be without her husband and she didn't want her children to be without their father. If this was important to Sully, then she would give this new life a chance. Together they had always overcome whatever obstacles were in their path, and together they would try to make this work for their family. If it didn't, she was confident that *together* they would make the decision to return to Colorado Springs.
With nothing left to decide, worry took the place of confusion in her mind. They were worries about how they would build a satisfying life here, where they would live, whether they would be happy, how long they would try, and if the Cheyenne's constant struggle for survival would wear down and ultimately destroy her husband's hope, as she feared it was slowly doing to Cloud Dancing.
All these colliding thoughts had left her with a terrible, throbbing headache. Michaela curled up on her side along the hard floor, hoping to quiet her mind by escaping into oblivion. As her body folded into itself, she clutched the moccasins tight to her chest. Her eyes brimmed, the water spilling over and scorching a hot path down her face. Perhaps the tears would silence the discomforting voices in her head, allowing her to sleep, and for a few hours, forget that her life was about to change.
Chapter Thirty-Two | Chapter Thirty-Three | Chapter Thirty-Four
Sully had managed to lose all track of time while visiting with Cloud Dancing. When he finally returned to the campsite with the children, they were late for supper. He had an urgent need to talk with Michaela, but he knew that would have to wait until the children were asleep. As he entered the camp, the notable absence of the eagerly anticipated aromas of roasting meat and vegetables caught his attention first. Instead of the usual flurry of activity that accompanied mealtimes, he found the camp deserted, the fire cold, and supper not even started. Scanning the area for his wife, Sully could only locate Brian. He was seated on the ground, skinning a rabbit, seemingly unaware that they had returned.
"Hey, Brian, is that supper?" Sully asked. He watched how he cleaned the rabbit with quick, economical movements of his knife.
Brian raised his head at the sound of his voice. "I caught it a little while ago. It didn't seem we had anything except the corn Dorothy brought back from the market."
Sully knelt down to start the fire. "Where's your ma?"
"I haven't seen her," Brian replied. With a final incision, he removed the rabbit skin in nearly one clean piece.
Satisfied that the fire was ready, Sully rose to his feet. "I'll check the river. She's most likely gettin' water or washin' up." He turned away, heading in the direction of the river.
"Papa, he's gone!" Josef cried out. Upon returning, the first thing Josef had done was check on the wolf, only to find him missing. The little boy ran out of the tent, tears staining his cheeks, as he ran in frantic circles around the campsite in search of the wolf. "He's gone."
Katie sauntered into camp clutching the sunflowers to her chest. She had lagged behind her father and brother, lost in a daydream. At seeing her brother so upset, she snapped out of her reverie. "What's wrong?"
"Seems the wolf's gone," Sully said, pausing in his steps. He kept his eyes peeled on the surrounding area looking for the young wolf. When Josef was about to run past him again, he extended his arms to intercept his son. "It's all right. You took real good care of that wolf. Ya made it possible for 'im ta join up with another pack."
"He's gone?" Katie repeated, disappointed. She poked her head into the tent, making sure he wasn't inside hiding under the bedding or buried beneath Josef's clothes that were strewn about in a mess. While inside the tent, she carefully laid the flowers across her bedroll.
"You think he was well enough to go back into the woods?" Brian asked. His eyes roamed across the campground in search of the wolf."
"Looks like it," Sully said, crouching down to console his weeping son.
Josef sobbed into his father's shirt. He wept so hard his whole body heaved and he gulped for air. "I don't want him to be gone."
Sully held him to his chest, rubbing his back. "I know it hurts, Joe, but the wolf's better off."
Josef recoiled from his father, his face scrunched up in outrage. "No…he's…not." His words were strangled by heavy sobs and he stopped to catch his breath. "He could get his foot caught again. He could get hurt. I can take good care of him." He collapsed, folding his body into a ball on the ground and burying his head in his hands. Katie came over, knelt down next to him and placed her arm across his back.
Sully lowered himself completely to the ground, beside his son. He stroked the back of his head and tried comforting him. "I know ya would, Joe. That wolf's gonna be fine, thanks ta you." Josef's tears continued flowing uncontrollably as both his father and sister did their best to console him. Eventually, he cried himself out and sat up, taking a few heaving breaths.
Convinced that Josef had calmed down enough so that he could leave his side, Sully rose to his feet, scanning the area once more for his wife. It puzzled him that she still hadn't returned. Since the river wasn't that far from the campsite, he was sure she would have hurried back at the sound of her son's hysterical cries. With no sign of her anywhere, he told the children to remain where they were, while he went looking for her by the river.
When Sully reached the riverbank, he noticed Dorothy seated alone, her back hunched over, writing in her journal. Without speaking, he darted his eyes from one end of the water's edge to the other, but he didn't see Michaela, or any of her belongings to indicate that she was nearby. Quietly, he approached Dorothy.
Dorothy startled at the noise from behind, snapping her head around. At the sight of Sully, she held her hand to her chest. "Don't you know not to sneak up on folks? You gave me a start."
"Sorry. I was wonderin' if ya seen Michaela?" Sully stood in front of her with his arms at his side. It was after seven o'clock and everyone was back at the campsite except his wife. He felt the early stirrings of unease from deep within his chest.
"She's not back yet?" Dorothy asked, unable to hide the concern in her voice. She closed her journal, stood, and stepped closer to Sully.
Sully noticed the anxious look that passed across her face and heard the tremor in her voice. "Back from where? Didn't you both go into town?"
"Yes, but…" her words trailed off. There was an unspoken alarm bell in the air between them, almost visible.
Sully felt his fear building at her demeanor and from what she wasn't saying. "What is it Dorothy? Where is she?"
Dorothy's eyes slid off his face in an evasive manner. Then she busied herself by smoothing the front of her dress.
"Dorothy," Sully pressed.
She reluctantly raised her eyes to his. "She said to tell you that she needed time alone and that she was fine. But, I was sure she'd be back by now."
"How long ago was that?"
Dorothy brought her fingers to her face. "Oh dear, let me think. She left me…now when was that…I know…it was around noon."
"Noon!" Sully repeated, louder than he intended, as panic crept into his voice. "That was seven hours ago. Did she say anythin' else Dorothy?"
She cast her eyes toward the ground and sighed. "She made me promise not to say anything."
Sully looked hard at her, his eyes moving over her face as if he would find an answer there. "She told you?"
"She didn't want to. I practically had to force it out of her. She was so upset," Dorothy said.
"I need ta talk ta her. Do you know where she went?"
"No. I'm sorry, Sully. I wish I did."
"What direction did she head in?"
Dorothy became flustered. "I don't remember. I never imagined she'd be gone this long. You don't think something happened to her?"
"I gotta find her, Dorothy. Will ya stay with the kids?"
"Of course, but how will you find her?"
"I got an idea 'bout where she might be. If I'm right, it's too far ta ride at night. We'll be back in the mornin'."
"What if you're not right?"
"Then I'll keep lookin'. I'm gonna find 'er." He spun around to head back to the children, but not before turning back to Dorothy one more time. "Make sure there's someone at the campsite in case she comes back before I get ta 'er."
"Of course."
"Papa!" A voice called to him from the distance. "Papa, come quick."
As Sully registered Josef's urgent call, his only thought was of Michaela. What if she had ridden back injured or sick? His heart thumping, he turned and ran as fast as he could. Dorothy rushed back behind him, unable to maintain his pace. Sully raced into their campsite, out of breath and panting, stopping short at the sight of the wolf. The small animal was on the ground being held protectively between his two children, each of whom had big grins on their faces.
"He came back," Josef said, smiling from ear to ear. From the expression on his face, his father could hardly believe that, only minutes ago, he had been inconsolable. Josef had his arms around the wolf petting him and kissing the top of his head.
Still breathing heavily, Sully pushed down the terror that had risen to the surface, and emitted a loud chuckle. It was an involuntary noise that came out as an awkward booming laugh that camouflaged his surging panic as to the whereabouts of his wife. "So he did." He walked toward the children and crouched down to scratch the wolf on the head. "Listen, I'm glad the wolf came back, but right now I gotta go find your ma."
"Where'd she go?" Brian asked. He took note of the anxiety in his father's eyes that he tried unsuccessfully to hide.
Katie noticed his worried expression, too. "Is Mama all right?"
Sully patted her head. "She's fine. There's somethin' we gotta talk about is all."
"About going home?" she perceived.
"Yeah, how do ya feel 'bout goin' home?"
"I wanna go home," Josef said. "But only if the wolf comes with us."
"I like it here," Katie said, her thoughts drifting once again to Live in Hopes.
Sully brought her into an embrace, kissing the top of her head. "I like it here, too, sweet girl.
"Why is Mama stayin' away?" Josef was now standing by his father's side, leaning against his shoulder.
Sully drew both of his children into his arms. "She's not stayin' away from you. Sometimes when grownups have a lot on their minds, it helps ta be alone. You can think clearer...make better decisions." At these words Sully couldn't help but acknowledge that his two days alone after his falling out with Cloud Dancing had only muddled his thinking.
"Is that what you do when you go away sometimes?" Katie asked, looking up into his blue eyes.
Sully smoothed her hair. "Yeah, it is." He thought about how true his words were for him, but in all the years he had spent with Michaela, he never remembered her once intentionally staying away this long to work through a problem. That realization caused his stomach to twist again as fears for her safety resurfaced. "I want you both ta stay here. We'll be back by mornin'." Sully thanked Brian and Dorothy for taking care of the children, and then he grabbed a blanket and water before mounting his horse. He pulled up on the reins, urging his horse to go forward. Without much light left before nightfall, he needed to ride fast, fast in the direction of the canyon.
* * * * *
Sully climbed up the canyon in pitch black darkness without even a trace of moonlight to guide his way. In his haste to begin his search, he hadn't remembered to take a lantern, and that mistake had cost him precious time into the canyon. If he was wrong, and Michaela wasn't inside the cave, he would have to spend the night and resume searching in the morning. Having nearly stumbled several times already, he had begrudgingly accepted that he was courting danger to be moving around alone in the dark.
The closer he got to the cave, the more he sensed that Michaela was nearby, as if he could feel her presence. Unfortunately, that didn't mean he would find her inside now, since everything about this place reminded him of Michaela, and the time they spent here together. He couldn't tell if his intense feelings were memories of the past or premonitions of what was yet to come.
When he reached the opening of the cave, he leaned inside to let his eyes adjust to the even darker surroundings. Having passed Flash on his way up, he knew Michaela was inside, but he would feel better confirming it with his own eyes. His eyes roamed around the cave, searching, until they fell on a form curled up on its side. He carefully tiptoed toward the figure, relieved by the sight of his wife's long coppery brown hair that had fallen forward across her face.
"Michaela," he whispered, as he crouched down on the balls of his feet, bending over her. Hearing no response, he became aware of her deep, even breathing. She was asleep. He sat down on the ground facing her back, deciding whether or not to wake her. His hand reached across to touch her, but it hovered in the air without making contact, afraid of disturbing her peaceful slumber. Cognizant that she hadn't slept at all last night or soundly for the past several nights, he decided to let her rest. Their talk could wait until morning.
Sully retrieved the blanket he had brought along. Though he intended to use it to cushion the hardness of the cave floor, he draped it tenderly across his wife, careful not to wake her. As quietly as possible, he removed his belt, beads, and moccasins and lay down next to her. Closing his eyes, he molded his body around her familiar shape, his arm around her waist, drawing her closer to him. When he had fallen into a veil like prelude to sleep, he stirred as soon as he felt her hand clasp his and maneuver his arm more securely around her.
"Sully," she said groggily, emerging from the deep recesses of sleep.
"Shh," he whispered, nuzzling the back of her head and inhaling the faint scent of perfumed soap. "Go back ta sleep."
"You're here?" She was disoriented, unsure if this was a dream or reality.
"I'm here."
Michaela slowly became more awake and pulled herself into a sitting position. She reached out to touch his face, making sure he was real. "I thought I was dreaming." She was grateful for the darkness that hid her eyes from his scrutiny. Even though she couldn't see them, the burning sensation and heaviness told her they were swollen and red. "How did you find me?"
Sully sat up now, too. Frustrated he couldn't see more than shapes in the darkness, he reached out to touch her, needing a physical connection. "I thought about where I'd go. This place holds a special meanin' for us."
"It does."
It was strange to hear her voice, but not be able to read her face. He thought about how her words seemed to lose some of their meaning when they weren't accompanied by her expressive eyes and facial movements. "Michaela, we don't gotta talk now. Let's sleep an' we can talk in the mornin'."
"I don't want to talk," she said, abruptly turning away from him.
"Why not?"
"There's nothing to talk about. For now, I will stay here with you, Sully. Together we'll try to help the Cheyenne and see if we can build a life for our family. I don't want to talk or quarrel about it anymore."
Even though Sully wasn't sure what Michaela would decide, he felt overwhelming relief to hear that she would have stayed. In his despair over the possibility of losing his friendship with Cloud Dancing, Sully had buried his much deeper fear that his wife would chose to return with the children to Colorado without him. He knew he never would have let it come to that. In his guilt over all the Cheyenne had lost, he thought he needed to do more to help them, but he also knew that he would never have sacrificed his family to do it. Reaching out to find her hand in the darkness, he held it. "I didn't come ta fight with ya Michaela. I came ta tell ya we're not stayin'. We're goin' home."
With her head throbbing, she didn't feel capable of having this conversation now. "Please don't change your mind because of me."
He heard the edge in her voice, confused by what had placed it there. "It's partly 'cause o' you, but mostly it's for our family. Our stayin' ain't right for us…any of us."
Michaela wasn't ready to accept that his change of heart was genuine. "I told you I'll stay. If we return to Colorado, I don't want to be blamed for ruining this for you in the way you blame me for Yellowstone," she said, as fresh tears sprang to her eyes. She became aware of the weariness and hurt that rose up hard and bitter in her throat.
Sully scooted along the ground toward her. When he was beside her, he pulled her to him. "Hey," he said, wiping her tears with his thumb. "I don't blame ya for Yellowstone and I'm not gonna blame ya now."
"But, you said…" She halted as new tears pushed up into her throat. She swallowed them back down again so that she could speak. "Sully, I do care about what matters to you."
He framed her face in his hands. "I know ya do," he paused, for the first time realizing the extent to which he had hurt her with his thoughtless words last night. He leaned forward to enfold her in his arms, hugging her tight. His gentle touch unraveled the thin veil of control she had over her emotions, causing her tears to flow freely onto his shirt. For several minutes he held her, rocked her and told her he loved her. "Michaela, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. With no sleep, an' bein' so upset 'bout Cloud Dancin', it all came out worse than I meant. You agreed ta go ta Wyoming. I made the decision ta stay. I thought I could do the same thing with the land in Colorado. I know I can't take back what I said, but ya gotta know I don't blame ya."
Michaela clung tightly to him, her cheek resting against his chest. Her tears had ebbed, but her breathing remained ragged. "You have regrets."
The darkness concealed the subtle shift in his expression in response to her statement. It was a long while before he responded. "Yeah, I have regrets."
She pulled back to look deeply into his eyes, frustrated at not being able to see them. "Tell me."
Sully took a long breath and let it out slowly. "I didn't count on it bein' so hard ta do the same thing in Colorado. I could've been part o' creatin' the first National Park. Instead, I been bangin' my head against a wall tryin' ta get people to protect the land in Colorado." He paused to stroke her face with his fingertips. "I wouldn't change our life and I'd never again ask ya ta stop bein' a doctor, but I can't help wonderin' what it would've been like ta be part o' creatin' Yellowstone."
"It would have been extraordinary for you." She kissed the palm of his hand. "But, Colorado needs your voice, Sully. If we had gone to Wyoming, who knows what might have happened in Colorado. We need to have faith that one day Congress will establish a Rocky Mountain National Park and you will have been a part of it."
Sully repositioned them so they were side by side, his arm around her and her head resting against his shoulder. "I'm sorry I hurt you. These past days I've been so wrapped up in my pain over Cloud Dancin' and the Cheyenne, not what's best for our family. Can ya forgive me?" He thought about the terrible irony of inflicting the same pain on his wife that he had felt at Cloud Dancing's biting words and wondered why so often the most harmful words were said to the people we loved most in the world.
"Sully, of course I forgive you, but I need to know that you truly don't want to stay here."
He ran his hand down her arm in a gentle caress. "Michaela, I was gonna turn our life upside down ta prove ta Cloud Dancin' that I hadn't abandoned the Cheyenne. Stayin' here didn't make sense for me or any 'o us, but I wasn't thinkin' clear. I thought I owed 'im."
"Have you spoken to Cloud Dancing?"
"Yeah, this afternoon. He didn't want me ta stay either. We're all right."
"I'm glad. I know how important he is to you. I meant what I said, Sully. We would never have left with the two of you at odds with each other."
"We'll be fine. We'll be even better after I tell 'im we're not stayin'." Sully lowered his eyes and dropped his voice. "As hard as it is ta accept, there's nothin' I can do ta help the Cheyenne now."
Michaela knew how difficult it was for Sully to voice those words. He always tried to find a way to help his friends and family, even at great risk to himself. Unable to find an appropriate response, she tightened her arm around his waist, leaned further into him and let her touch and her silence communicate her understanding and empathy.
He kissed the top of her head then reached for her hand. "There is one thing I gotta ask ya though."
"What is it?" she asked nervously.
"'Fore we head home, would you do me the honor of accompanyin' me to a weddin'?"
Michaela's face broke out into a broad smile. "Cloud Dancing's?"
"Yep."
"I'd be honored." She snuggled closer to him, glad to have put this latest disagreement behind them. "Oh dear, I have nothing appropriate to wear."
He chuckled. "You're beautiful. It don't matter what ya wear. 'Sides, it's a Cheyenne weddin'. Don't expect me ta wear a suit."
"I wish you could wear the shirt you wore for our wedding. You were so handsome."
Sully grew quiet for a moment. "It was Cloud Dancin's marriage shirt from Snow Bird. Don't think it'd be right for this weddin'."
"I never knew that."
"He wanted me ta wear it for them on our weddin' day, ta bring me the same happiness he found with Snow Bird?"
"Did it work?" she quipped.
He placed a soft kiss on the side of her head. "What do you think?"
"Will Cloud Dancing be as happy in his new marriage?"
"He'll make it work," he said simply, knowing that Cloud Dancing would never be as happy as he was with Snow Bird. Sully leaned back on his hands and felt something under his fingers. "What's this?" he asked, holding something that felt like a shoe, but not one of Michaela's.
Michaela placed her hands on the object he was holding. "It's a moccasin. The other one should be around here somewhere. I finished them today. They were supposed to be a gift."
Sully felt the soft leather, sturdy sole and the pattern of intricate beadwork. "You made 'em?" he asked, failing to hide the surprise in his tone.
Michaela didn't take offense. "Yes, with Night Crane's help. I chose a pattern in blue and red."
"For serenity, home, and warmth," he said, moved. He continued to finger the soft deerskin. "I can't see 'em, but they feel nice and soft. I could use a new pair. Thank you." He pulled her closer, wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her shoulder.
"You're welcome. I'm glad you found me tonight."
"Same here. Ya had me real worried. It's not like ya ta disappear." Sully pulled back, his face only inches from hers. "Michaela, were you really prepared ta stay?"
She brought her hand up to his forehead, her fingers lightly caressing his temple and brushing over the side of his face. "The one certainty I've learned throughout our marriage is that I don't do well when we're apart. It's as if a part of me is missing. No matter what we decide for our future, I won't be apart from you. And our children don't thrive as well without you either. I also knew that you would never harm our family. If, after a time, we couldn't build a satisfactory life here and it was hurting the children, you would have wanted to return home as much as I would."
Sully swallowed the lump in his throat. "I would. I don't wanna be apart from you either…or our kids. I just needed some time ta figure out the right thing ta do." He grasped her hand, placing a soft kiss to its back. "Just so ya know…I wouldn't have stayed without you. I need all of ya so much."
"We need you, too." Talking together in this intimate, trusting darkness comforted her and she fell against him, nuzzling her face in the side of his neck.
Instinctively his arms came around to hold her. "Ya think you can go back ta sleep? We'll head back ta the campsite at first light."
At Michaela's affirmation, Sully rose to lay the blanket out as a cushion against the stone floor of the cave. He watched as his wife shed her blouse and skirt, preferring to sleep in only her camisole and pantaloons. Sully followed suit by removing his shirt, but keeping his buckskins on. Once they were horizontal on the blanket, Sully pressed his body alongside hers, so that her back was snug against his chest, while his left arm rested across her waist, his fingers lightly grazing her breasts. "I love you," he whispered before kissing the nape of her neck and closing his eyes. In the darkness, the timbre of his voice was like a caress.
Michaela turned in his arms so they were now on their sides, face to face. "And I love you." He opened his eyes, wrapped his arms around her and when she moved closer to him, he kissed her forehead. A long moment passed as each of them became absorbed by memories of what they had last shared in this special place. Sully pushed the hair back from the side of her face and traced the arch of her cheekbones with his fingers. Michaela marveled at how, despite how long they've been married, the touch of his fingers, in such a simple gesture, could still arouse her.
She leaned forward to kiss his lips, drawing strength from the steadiness of his affection. He cradled her against him, deepening the kiss. She stroked his temples and cheekbones before her hands became lost in his thick brown hair, weaving it between her fingers as she kneaded his scalp. She felt the pressure of his hand on the small of her back urging her against him. Sleep was now forgotten as their movements, which had begun slowly, became more urgent, as they sought to satisfy a deep hunger of mutual forgiveness. It was as if the apologies and new understandings they had spoken earlier were merely appetizers to a feast of more profound communication. At the end, after they had reaffirmed their enduring love, they drifted off to a peaceful sleep, wrapped in the tight knot of each other's arms.